Animal jail is fun
By Wade Kwon
My timing is off.
After my pal Mike shelled out $5.50 for me to go to the Birmingham Zoo with him and Baby Girl, I probably shouldn’t have blurted out, “I’m philosophically opposed to zoos.”
Which makes me the monkey.
In our stroll along the paths, between the goat pen and the MILFs (mothers I’d like to forget), we enjoyed the sunny weather, the wandering packs of kids, even the Baby Girl’s mimicry of wild creatures.
“Moo,” she’d say, referring either to cows (not there), or the ’67 Jets (not there, but not forgotten).
Mike and his wife, Maddie, spend Tuesdays like this at the zoo, when it’s half-price and Baby Girl’s buddies are all there. It’s quite the social outing.
I go back and forth on zoos in general. Especially this one, with its history of problems, such as losing accreditation. Some zoos are better than others, just like some sanitariums are better than others.
So about halfway through the monkeyhouse, Mike turns to me and asks, “So, what do you think?”
Quicker with a quip than with a sincere evaluation, I again blurt:
“Animal jail is fun.”
(pause)
Mike was not amused. “Better that they be hunted down in the wild,” he replied.
Oh-kay.
But, it’s good for kids like Baby Girl to see animals in their semi-natural habitats. One newer area featured an owl, an eagle and a hedgehog, and the habitat theme seemed to be “Felled Trees.”
Kids need to know about delicious emus biodiversity so they can save the planet from us.
If they really want to learn about species that need rescuing, send kids to tour prisons.
Those places feature the most dangerous animal of all.
Man. (It is man, right?)
“Look, look at how those cons are playing with each other. See, that one made a shiv. Aww, everybody’s hugging …”
Conservatives will love it, because it will show how we’re getting tougher on crime. Liberals will love it, because it will show without question how we’re mistreating those poor thugs.
I’ll love it, because Tuesdays will be half-price. And the gift shop will kick ass.
So, I’m not completely opposed to zoos. Just stop throwing peanuts at me and watching me touch myself in the corner.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005, 8:38 pm
Worthwhile reading: THE LIFE OF PI.
Not that you should change your mind — not that I really care all that much, in fact. But your post brought it to mind. And it’s a damned fine book, while I’m talking about it.
Oh, and it reminds me that I always said I’d watch more football if there were guaranteed to be at least one grotesque injury or death in a random game every Sunday.
Thursday, October 13, 2005, 11:56 am
Wait, who’s this Mike guy? You went to the zoo twice in one day? Who marries someone named Maddie? Freakin’ pinko. Why you want to take all the animals away?
Thursday, October 13, 2005, 9:21 pm
That’s Mr. Freakin’ Pinko to you, good sir.