Wade on Birmingham

Wade’s 101: Guv, actually

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Bob Riley for governor
1. Not crazy, for a change.
2. When the revolution comes, the revolutionaries will be shot.
3. It’s morning in Alabama.
4. Bow before your new Korean masters.
5. The second term’s the charm.
6. Shriner, I hardly even know her.
7. Robert Renfroe Riley. Renfroe? really??
8. Made Katrina his bitch.
9. Amendment One, Riley 0.
10. Will send O.J. to Aruba to find the real killers.

11. Latest Executive Order? Krunk it up.
12. Has names for each of his 400 cattle.
13. (One is named Moo.)
14. Just fundamental enough.
15. A recovering Congressman.
16. Cover model for Governing’s 2003 swimsuit issue.
17. Calling for boycott on Sprite Remix Aruba Jam.
18. Won’t rest until state is leader in competitive eating.
19. His wife is a Patsy.
20. Thinks domes are “the sex-ay.”
21. Beloved by industry, wooed by business.
22. Will fix prison overcrowding and post-apocalyptic food shortage simultaneously.
23. Loves the Commandments, hates the Commandmentor.
24. Planning a Robert Trent Jones Miniature Golf Trail.
25. Mama said it’s just as easy to love a rich governor.

Don Siegelman for governor
26. “Pick Six” in ’06.
27. When the revolution comes, the magistrates will be shot.
28. (18) days without an indictment.
29. (221) days without a conviction.
30. Once issued an executive order outlawing fatties.
31. Still waiting for that recount …
32. Will make Chrismukkah a state holiday.
33. His Meetup group is, like, totally on top of things.
34. Beat Fob, wants Bob.
35. This term, it’s personal.
36. You can campaign from jail, right?
37. Also wants second shot at becoming attorney general, secretary of state, lieutenant governor, grand poobah …
38. Can’t be bought — without a fat wallet.
39. Gunning for that Edsel plant.
40. Just because he and Scrushy were indicted together doesn’t mean they’re … you know.
41. “Do over!”
42. The edumacation governor.
43. Can finally pay off his wife’s AmEx bill.
44. Banned portable classrooms; now wants to ban portable meth labs.
45. Don’t get him started on earrings.
46. Seriously, bet on 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42, and you can’t lose.
47. Absolutely no bribes from terrorists. Period.
48. Allied with Axis Automotive Powers to form unconquerable army.
49. Your vote is tax-deductible.
50. “They can kiss my ass, and you can quote me on that, too.”

Lucy Baxley for governor
51. Chicks in ’06.
52. When the revolution comes, the men will be shot.
53. … and Oprah for president!
54. Cannot and will not pee in a jug.
55. First female lieutenant governor … in space!
56. “Go to the polls or the Republicans will get you.”
57. Hidden tattoo: “Realtor4Life.”
58. Watch out: She’ll put us all on a diet just like hers.
59. You can take the girl outta Pansy, but you can’t take the Pansy outta the girl.
60. Once married to Bill Baxley, from “The Incredible Hulk.”
61. As state treasurer, unsuccessfully lobbied against nickels.
62. Plans to be another stand-in for George Wallace.
63. Her brooch sees all, knows all.
64. She baked me a pie, a freedom pie.
65. Punchline: We won’t have to pay her her as much.
66. She’s not only president of the Senate, she’s also a member. Well, sorta.
67. Proposes strict monitoring of conveyor belts with chocolates.
68. She remembers a time before the Second World War.
69. Will turn this chamber around right now if senators don’t behave.
70. She’s older than Sherman Hemsley …
71. … but younger than Mary Tyler Moore.
72. Smells like lilacs.
73. No, really, women can vote and drive and everything.
74. Platform: to have one by late 2006.
75. You go, tired empowerment cliche!

Roy Moore for governor
76. Testify in ’06.
77. The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt vote for Roy.
78. WJWD: What Jesus would do.
79. Alabama uber alles.
80. No justice, no peace.
81. Poetry hobby should make for rhyming fiery inaugural speech.
82. Constitution, schmonstitution.
83. Homeschoolers vote free.
84. When the revolution comes, the godless will be shot.
85. Pray as you go.
86. Salvation today, salvation tomorrow, salvation forever.
87. Your church and state headquarters.
88. Roy is my co-pilot.
89. You’ll want to be with this numbskull when the saints go marching in.
90. Solid as a rock.
91. Putting the “mental” in fundamental.
92. Vote, repent, repeat.
93. Declared Georgia, Mississippi and Tennessee as new “Axis of Evil.”
94. How could Ann Coulter be wrong?
95. Sequel to “So Help Me God”? “And Justice for All, Biatch.”
96. Plans on sneaking a 10-ton zircon Book of Revelation monument into governor’s mansion.
97. Nickname in Vietnam: Captain America.
98. Nickname in Vance: Sgt. Scripture.
99. Coming in 2008: The Stand in the Statehouse Door.
100. Vote for Roy on 06/06/06.

Wade for governor
101. He dares defend our rights.

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2 Yips for “Wade’s 101: Guv, actually”

  1. Wade on Birmingham » Blog Archive » Wade’s 101: Guv, actually
    Wednesday, November 23, 2005, 11:11 am
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  2. Ginny
    Wednesday, November 23, 2005, 2:18 pm
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