So be of good cheer
By Wade KwonWe love a good party, so December is our chance to swing with the best. Though we’re at our best staked out in a quiet corner with an adult beverage and surrounded by friends, we can be lured out to the bigger affairs through:
- open bar;
- people we haven’t seen in forever;
- open bar;
- door prizes;
- open bar;
- awkward moments;
- and open bar.
Join us on our recent two-party jaunt. Party all day, and party all night. (That joke never gets old.)
First stop was the corporate shindig, held at the Scrushy Healthsouth Conference Center on U.S. 280. They greeted us at the ballroom entrance with name tags (yay!), door prize tickets and drink coupons (double yay!). Gotta like the name tags, especially after you’ve kicked back a few and wanna know whose wife you’re “mistakenly” groping. Of course, the name tags don’t work on the those with slinky cocktail dresses (me? guilty!).
And the drink coupons were actually worthless to me — I had given blood that morning. Stupid donor guidelines!
As we dumped our coats at the racks, we entered the ballroom. The band was playing lite jazz, which meant someone was receiving a root canal backstage. The tables featured festively decorated sleighs as centerpieces, and the buffets featured hot hors d’oeuvres. Who cares? Open bar!
Wait …
We mixed and mingled to a jinglin’ beat, with the obligatory hellos and nice-to-meet-yas. After a trip to the bar and buffet table, we went ahead and claimed table space. Gotta stake territory if you’re gonna endure dinner with the cool people. And by “cool,” we mean “not completely drunk and even more obnoxiously louder than usual parked two cubes down in the office every friggin’ day.”
Tied scrolls on mint green copy paper were on every table, along with pens. I had to peek: They were crossword puzzles. Well, not exactly crosswords in the strict sense: some of the words kinda intersected, and the numbering was hit or miss. All had holiday-related clues, such as “(blank) the red-nosed reindeer” or “everyone’s favorite snowman.”
I slipped the ribbon back on the scroll and went back to sipping my very non-alcoholic Diet Coke.
It’s as exciting as I’ve described it.
A company official stopped the band to broadcast the following important announcement: “The open bar is closing in 10 minutes, so please use your remaining drink coupons.”
He might as well have announced that the bird flu was wafting through the joint and that the bartenders had the only vaccine, such was the rush to get to the two bars. Mind you, a couple of hundred people were there in their holiday finest, jostling for the last wine, beer and cocktails ever. (Yep, no bar, even cash bar, after 7:30.)
We made our way back to the tables, and like it or not, our table’s roster had been set — friends and foes be damned. As we exchanged greetings, the white devil woman next to me told the black guy at our table, “You look like Chris Rock!”
(pause for awkward laugh/acknowledgment)
At least she didn’t tell me I looked like Lucy Liu.
I noticed that the tables had been fortified with wine. Four bottles per, or one bottle per two guests. All right! I mean, curse you, Red Cross.
I forgot to mention that the other goodie on each table was four CDs by the house band (don’t ride the elevator without it).
As the staffers set up the serving tables for dinner, we sat through the obligatory welcome speeches. Next came the crossword contest, in which each table’s octet was supposed to work together for a prize. We skipped the whole teamwork concept (heck, we didn’t even sit boy-girl-boy-girl) and were soundly trounced by the neighboring super loud super drunk table. They won candy.
(Earlier, one of the super drunk women thought it was a hoot when she misheard my name as “Weed.” As in, “I’m so drunk right now but I probably smoked too much weed, Weed.” Hilarious.)
Organizers called out door prize raffle numbers throughout the evening. The winners received gift cards to the mall, the home improvement store and the discount store. Lots of drawings, but our table won nothing. Losers.
We swarmed the long serving tables to load our plates. The dinner even had a roast beef carving station in back.
The main course went smoothly, save for one spilled bottle of wine (not that we didn’t have three other open full bottles just sitting there).
Next came the part for which I had waited all week: corporate-mandated shenanigans!
The official called the managers up to the dance floor one by one. They were split into two teams of five around separate microphones, as indicated by their wacky hats: One team had Christmas tree hats that lit up, the other team had boring ol’ non-light-up elf hats.
Apparently, last year’s face-off was a trivia competition. This year, the teams would guess holiday songs from clues and then sing them. For example: “Ecstasy to the Planet” would be … “Joy to the World.”
Delicious!
The audience, especially the super drunk table, ended up calling out most of the answers, so the teams just ended up singing bits of carols from the shouted titles, while the band’s guitarist played backup. That’s what Christmas is all about: middle-age white management dudes (and one dudette) making partial asses of themselves for my amusement. Dance, puppets, dance.
No prize, except the losing team was fired and escorted immediately out of the building. (And not the good kind of escorts, either.)
One last official announced the Christmas bonus: a rolling suitcase. He joked that it wasn’t an omen of mass layoffs.
(pause for awkward laugh/acknowledgment)
Since the luggage was too bulky to hand out on site, he told employees to see Sheila down in HR next week to claim their gifts.
The lights went down, the band started up, and many employees plus guests dispersed with marginally increased cheer. We were outta there, time to hit the next party.
Sure, we’d miss the dancing. But our gliding across the floor wouldn’t eclipse the tiny moments of job joy already provided that evening. Still, we should’ve sold our spare drink coupons.
We’ll have part 2 on Wednesday Thursday …
• • •
Been to any good Festivus parties lately? Comments, please.
