Happy Martin Luther King Day — or as it’s known at Bellsouth, Monday.

Where are my dang keys?
Did I forget this meeting?
Who took my stapler?

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“Excuse me, could you …”
“Wait, I need help finding the …”
Clerks pass like phantoms.

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Checkbook reckoning
comes out all wrong, leaving me
dizzy from balance.

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Louse of cards: You can piss off the civil libertarians and the immigration advocates all you want — just don’t piss off the DMV. Implementing the Real ID program is turning into a costly nightmare for state motor vehicle agencies. Designed to fight terrorism with national ID cards, the program is forcing the 50 states to modernize and synchronize their old-but-functioning drivers license systems.

After drivers submit documents to prove their identities, states will have to retain paper copies of those documents for at least seven years or digital images for 10 years. … Alabama’s survey response called the project ”massive,” saying that while the state had the proper equipment at six licensing centers, ”we do not have the resources to equip all of our 79 offices.”

Alabama tried to work ahead, but created confusion after notifying 65,000 residents about different names on licenses and Social Security cards, including women who had changed their last name on one but not the other after marriage or divorce.

You may have a legitimate drivers’ license and Social Security card, but if you don’t have a legit Real ID card by 2008, you won’t be able to board a plane or enter a federal building.

• FAQ: How Real ID will affect you [CNET.com]
• How the program affects drivers licenses [National Conference of State Legislatures]
• A history of opposition to national ID cards [Electronic Privacy Information Center]
• An opposition site [UnRealID.com]

• National ID a ‘Nightmare’ for States [Associated Press]

Stuck in neutral: Alabama has begun issuing new harder-to-forge drivers licenses. But when the computer goes down, no one across the state can obtain one. Does this mean the terrorists win by default?
• Drivers fume at license system [Birmingham News]

Inside his heaven: Huntsville native Bo Bice, the most recent “American Idol” runner-up, will be featured on at 9 tonight on CMT’s “In the Moment” (repeating at midnight). He’ll also be on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” at 11:06 p.m. Monday on ABC 33/40. But if you’re more Old Testament than New, you can see Richard Scrushy preach Sunday morning in Anniston. Testify! No, really, we need you to testify in the fraud hearing.
• ‘In the Moment’ [CMT]

Also:

• Girl Scouts ’shocked’ that Thin Mints cause fat customers
• City council approves $50,000 to hire own mayor
• Seeking better life, onion ring stows away in french fry container

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Mo Rocca, former “Daily Show” correspondent and host of Bravo’s “Things I Hate About You,” will be onstage at 8 p.m. Jan. 21 at the Alys Stephens Center on Southside.

And we’ve got two tickets for one shameless winner.

Spend a Saturday night with the author of "All the Presidents’ Pets" and raconteur on the VH1 franchise, “I Love the (pick a decade).”

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Baby girl wakes up
to demand bottle, blankie,
bear, books and big hugs.

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One of the high points of the Birmingham scene in 2005 was well-dressed YPs (that’s young professionals) sipping cocktails, snacking on fancy finger foods and admiring artwork. Art on the Rocks was the place to be, even if it was in, of all places, the city art museum.

Such success was surprising, probably even to the organizers, for the new monthly venture. And it was brilliant. Thousands of people actually paid $10 a head to visit a place they can see for free six days a week. Free food, cash bar, DJ, music act, craft activity and the most important ingredient, fun.

Can anyone, even the museum itself, match that initial success?

UAB’s Alys Stephens Center thinks so, and brought in an informal focus group to shape its plan. At stake, a piece of the growing YP entertainment market in Birmingham.

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All heart: When the top athletes need surgery to save their multi-million-dollar careers, they come to Birmingham. Jim Andrews, one of the world’s top orthopedic surgeons, has saved many a knee, shoulder and elbow. So who minds the Birmingham doctor when he’s in trouble? Sports blog Deadspin discovered in a news report about Astros first baseman Jeff Bagwell that his surgeon, Andrews, had a heart attack on Sunday. It goes on to report that he’s in intensive care. A report in the Houston Chronicle also mentions Andrews’ heart attack in passing. But the item has yet to make news in this market.

Update

The Birmingham News and NBC 13 slip in quick updates. Not to mention a press release on the good doctor.

• Palmer’s dad: Surgery went well [Cincinnati Enquirer]

Cardiac, a rest: Shelby Baptist Medical Center wanted to keep its 18-month-old open-heart program, but Brookwood Medical Center challenged in court. Which led to Shelby challenging Brookwood’s $54 million renovation/expansion project. The two health care conglomerates buried the hatchet, allowing each to continue on its merry way. The real winner? Not patients.
• Baptist, Brookwood settle Shelby feud [Birmingham News]

Hics-ville: Didja hear the one about the guy who had hiccups for three years? He lost 50 pounds and wanted to kill himself. Robert Smith, a 53-year-old maintenance worker in Montgomery, lived with this miserable condition, until a New Orleans neurosurgeon implanted a nerve stimulator in Smith’s chest. The hiccups disappeared. All because one doctor came up with a creative use for a device designed to treat epilepsy.
• A Horrific Case of Hiccups, a Novel Treatment [New York Times]

Also:

• Birmingham economic forecast calls for partly solvent, chance of sell-off
• It’s all fun, games until someone loses
• Chimp remains mum on gubernatorial candidacy

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Oh sweet caviar,
Mercedes and stock options …
I just can’t quit you.

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No privacy for
citizens while watching out
for terrorists. Shh.

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Garbage bags line street
sitting sentry with trash cans
while city trucks hide.

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You’re somebody sellable: For sale: One department store chain with 40 outlets in nine states. Gently used by Saks. Founded in 1887 in Birmingham. Make an offer.
• Saks Mulls Possible Sale of Parisian Chain [Associated Press]

Must-sell TV: For sale: One network-owned TV station in Top 50 market. Fresh personnel, consistently No. 3 in news. Slightly wear and tear from long-standing NBC affiliation.
• Network puts NBC13 up for sale [Birmingham Business Journal]

New car smell: For sale: 2007 Alabama-made SUVs. Well-known brands. One’s high-end full-size vehicle, other’s compact affordable model. Must make way, eventually, for 2008 cars.
• Alabama-made SUVs on display at Detroit auto show [Associated Press]

Out is in: For sale: Natural beauty of mountains, forests, rivers, beaches, more. Some coastal “aging” from recent hurricanes. Campers, hunters welcome.
• New Alabama tourism campaign set to kick off [Associated Press]

Also:

• Legislature prepares to ‘wing it’ on issues, bills
• Oneonta man wins sweepstakes, loses car keys
• Sixth graders sell most fruit baskets to unsympathetic relatives

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Wish it were April
so we could forget the cold
and spring everywhere.

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Gym bag packed in hall.
Ready to go for yoga?
Or sit and veg out?

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