Wade’s 101: Superman 2006
By Wade Kwon- Still has to hold down a day job.
- Able to leap tall blondes in a single bound.
- You try getting hazard insurance for Fortress of Solitude.
- Easier to clean own suits thanks to Dry-El.
- Spent last five years hunting predators on MySpace.
- Batman: cool car, gadgets galore.
Superman: tiny apartment at $2,000/month and a hot plate.
- Now fights for truth, justice and red states.
- Still refuses to answer questions about alleged steroid abuse.
- What’s on his iPod? Gnarls Barkley, Nelly Furtado, Kryptonian chants and dance remixes at supersonic levels.
- Is two subs away from a free sandwich.
- Some idiot archvillain keeps signing him up for magazine subscriptions under “Cal L. Bytes.”
- His agent keeps booking him for Aquaman’s gigs.
- Saves world from giant asteroid, but does he get a cut of the merchandising? No-o-o-o.
- It’s a bird. It’s a plane. Nope, it’s a bird.
- Why does Wolverine get to host the Tonys?!
- Surgeon General determines prolonged exposure to X-ray vision has been known to increase risk of cancer.
- Every redneck with a ‘tude has to tug on the damn cape.
- Supergirl’s weakness? Paris Hilton and rum benders.
- For the last time, stop shooting and/or throwing guns at him.
- Declining Justice League now simply “Coalition of the Super-Willing.”
- Superman’s real curse is a weakness for Bunco.
- Showdowns take twice as long because foes can’t decide which flavor of kryptonite to wield.
- Earth 2: Superman can’t swim.
- Earth 3: Daily Planet is a tabloid, and Clark Kent stuck covering celebrity births.
- Earth 4: Everyone else is from Krypton, while Superman’s from Brazil.
- Earths 5-9: Superman has varying number of kidneys (don’t ask).
- Earth 10: Superman impervious to smell of freshly baked bread.
- Hasn’t updated his blog in months.
- In Metropolis: car thefts, down; purse snatchings, down; Superman-related crimes, way up.
- Strong enough to lift tanks, but can’t pick up a dinner check.
- Faster than a speeding Kennedy.
- More powerful than a loco Dick Cheney.
- Recent interviews break down into long sales pitches for Kryptoscientology.
- Unable to upgrade library crystals to high-def.
- Pet peeve: rescued citizens who blurt out “Entourage” spoilers before he can watch on DVD.
- Earth dad still wants him to be “next Tiger Woods.”
- Space dad lectures him constantly about getting a real job, protecting secret identity from telemarketers.
- Earth mom tells him to marry plain Sally from Smallville.
- Space mom lays on galactic guilt trip from beyond the grave.
- Holds raves in the Phantom Zone.
- Kisses librarians to make them forget about his overdue books.
- Actually knows Seinfeld.
- Too cheap to buy DVR. Instead, flies back in time to catch missed dialogue.
- Cape looks flashy, but keeps getting snagged on telephone poles.
- If he walks, people ask him why he isn’t flying.
- If he flies, people ask him if he’s too good to walk.
- Once lobbied to have Samuel L. Jackson play him in the movie.
- Lois doesn’t always understand that school buses on fire come first.
- Tried to win Lois by juggling horses.
- “Accidentally” eavesdrops on Lois’ cell calls to friends, mother.
- Loves Lois for who she is: pushy reporter with a savior fetish.
- His nickname for Lois: “The Lane Attraction.”
- Tells Lois this is absolutely the last time he’s flying her to coffee cart on Seventh because it has better lattes.
- Always pulling that “And how many nuns did you save today?” crap with Lois.
- Lets Lois win at arm wrestling.
- Hides especially naughty fan mail from Lois.
- Sees right through her.
- X-Men: teen mutants with angst.
Superman: grown man with tights.
- Would rather talk it out.
- The glasses help correct slight astigmatism in the right eye.
- Don’t get him started on who’s faster, him or Flash.
- His other secret identity? Kenny, the guy who cuts in line at the subway.
- Tries to rap. Can’t rap. Shouldn’t rap, really.
- Goes to the movies by sitting on fire escape, uses X-ray vision and super hearing.
- Same with concerts.
- Spider-Man sticks to walls. Is that even a power?
- Keeps meaning to, but hasn’t seen the sights around home state of Kansas.
- Perry White won’t give him comp time or replace broken desk chair.
- Has girlfriends in every time zone.
- Constant harassment from Minutemen over undocumented alien status.
- Loves an aromatherapeutic candlelit bath every so often.
- Still wants credit for the times he saved the world but no one remembers, or it happened in space.
- Loves writing, hates reporting.
- Tired of lazy hecklers calling him “Stupidman” or “Superretard.”
- Says he voted in last election, but actually spent day golfing with Green Lantern.
- Thinks he could kick the Powerpuff Girls’ ass.
- Has a thing for villainesses.
- Pretty much does everything with his bare hands.
- Seriously, how does Wonder Woman find that invisible jet? Refuel it? Know when to replace the tires?
- Considering retirement by 39.
- Never knows what to say to Jimmy Olsen on the elevator.
- Kryptonite makes him temporarily incontinent.
- Promises sick kids in hospital that he’ll knock Cubbies out of park, just for them.
- Daily Planet Web site always cutting off his stories in mid-senten
- Sick to death of corn and wheat.
- Chicks dig the hair curl.
- Can’t write checks any more at the corner deli since the whole thing three years ago.
- Gen. Zod is a general the way Capt. Crunch is a captain.
- Has dreams where he can fly. Wakes up in a volcano.
- For some reason, Lex Luthor keeps sending him stupid blog quizzes and personality tests.
- Hulk smash puny humans.
Superman suck up to puny humans. (Hulk laugh at Superman.)
- Goes commando at night. Sometimes on foggy days.
- Man of Steel was once Dork of Sixth Grade.
- It is forbidden to interfere in the course of “Dancing with the Stars.”
- Can outwit Brainiac, but not Windows XP.
- Stupid lead wrapping paper with those stupid red-and-blue bathrobes for stupid surprise birthday parties.
- Wishes it really were hip to be square.
- Bizarro loves being filler in comedy list. Bizarro loves everything and everyone.
- Working on first novel about a single gal’s misadventures in dating, dieting, urban life and the right shoes.
- Oh, it’s already been broughten.
- Up, up and (wait for it …) away.
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Read more Wade’s 101.
Thursday, June 29, 2006, 4:30 pm
[…] When he started his blogs last year, he brought back the 101 idea, and this time around he hits Superman. While he’s not the comic nerd I am, he’s well versed (like no one I know, frankly) in pop culture — and you’ll be amazed at some of the things he remembered to poke fun at. So go, now, and read Wade’s 101: Superman 2006. You will believe a man can try. […]