Wade on Birmingham

Wade’s 101: Headline retrospective 2

  1. Baptists battle for who will lead them back into wilderness
  2. Cops to promote “Puppies for Guns” trade
  3. Bus survey arrives late, refuses answers not written on exact change
  4. Bureaucrats take extra-long smoke break to make up for late arrival
  5. Out-of-work teachers, bankers form long bread line
  6. Remodeled restaurant still smells like fried ham
  7. Over-the-mountain mayors vow to form ‘kick-ass’ garage band
  8. Minor leaguers need seasoning in steroid abuse
  9. Brighton mom still ‘phoning it in’ on dinner prep
  10. Trussville embraces cultural diversity of Purple Onion
  11. Disgraced CEO finds God, shakes Him down for cash
  12. Prom season ends with five breakups, two births, one missing limo
  13. Yearbook wish to “Have a good summer” eerily prescient
  14. Birmingham sheds Magic City nickname for something ‘less heathen’
  15. Local deadbeat dads still expect Father’s Day gifts
  16. Your MySpace page is barely readable, a tad tawdry
  17. Municipalities to make up tax-holiday shortfall with random property seizures
  18. Hurricanes predicted to beat up state, vow to never do it again
  19. Arts groups stock up on liquor for cultural boozefests
  20. VBS class takes field trip to see how purgatory works
  21. Overpriced bottle cap murals planned for art festival
  22. Transit solution eludes non-bus-riding, non-carpooling officials
  23. Some parents put baby in a corner
  24. Lakeview revelers celebrate Mexican holiday with American excess, Panamanian pharmaceuticals
  25. Super sewer actually has no remarkable powers
  26. Next week: Iced Tea Turnoff Week
  27. Courts clogged with indicted officials awaiting or attending trials
  28. Steel coil breaks loose, robs liquor store
  29. Hoover to be renamed ‘Birmingsouth’
  30. Election officials prepare for trickles of voters on Tuesday
  31. Fraud trial swears to tell the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth
  32. Spring fever upgraded to vernal plague
  33. School changes motto to “Chug! Chug! Chug!”
  34. Pledges conduct virtual panty raid on Facebook.com, MySpace
  35. Sky is all thunder, no storm
  36. Birmingham-Southern to field D-III rock, paper team, adding scissors squad by 2009
  37. Festival theater to be converted to sticky 18-room mansion
  38. Young professionals fight to be heard, then say nothing
  39. Immigrants gather to watch World Cup, scare barflies
  40. June bugs rename themselves as “summer swarm”
  41. State officials plan for unlikely outbreak of World Cup fever
  42. Undocumented dogs, cats prepare daylong rally for Saturday
  43. Attalla girl turns to life of porn, sweet sweet porn
  44. Home-schooled kids want chance to let down teammates, too
  45. Baby sells naming rights to online casino
  46. Nonvoters rush to not register to not vote
  47. Ozone creeps in on little wheezing cat feet
  48. Citizens flee downtown for gun shops, liquor shacks of suburbia
  49. Hot enough to make meth on the sidewalk
  50. Mayor, governor confer on secret backup dome
  51. Nationally ranked schools still stuck in Alabama
  52. Parks debate wireless canine access
  53. County rezoned entirely for condos
  54. Downtown hot dog vendors war over frank matters
  55. Midfield pharmacy offering Flag Day sale on expired condoms, pregnancy tests
  56. Summer school cliques have second chance to shun outsiders
  57. Did we remember to shut off the irony?
  58. City braces for vocal onslaught of region’s worst singers
  59. Hitchhiker aspires to be professional HOV passenger
  60. Organizers of crime-awareness parade arrested for criminal negligence
  61. Only 42 shopping days until runoffs
  62. Transit fight threatens to destroy false unity
  63. City budget passes without any fatalities
  64. Protesters at fountain use come hither chants
  65. Will Smith to star in 2007 comedy-action pic, “Letter from Birmingham Jail”
  66. Parents expected to ruin kids’ lives through over-, underparenting
  67. Pension fund turns out to be Confederate money, coupons for hugs
  68. State bird flu plan: Shoot, deep-fry, then eat
  69. You can never put too much water in a water treatment facility
  70. Case of blahs spreads like apathetic wildfire
  71. It’s too beautiful a day to stay inside and vote
  72. Alabaster summer school class learns about stuff it should’ve learned back in fall
  73. Weekend picnic ends tragically in stomach cramps, sunburns
  74. Roebuck pawn shops offer baby-sitting, coffee, wi-fi
  75. Teachers’ dirty looks running in short supply near end of school year
  76. Easter “sugar high” finally wearing off
  77. Free-range college grads threaten to overrun fragile downtown ecosystem
  78. State names official moonshine, meth
  79. Stranded senior citizens hitchhike to bingo hall, tattoo parlor
  80. Killer storms threaten porous citizens
  81. Fireworks stands peddle discount finger- and eye-removal kits
  82. Downtown ‘Idol’ celebrations turn to riots, leaving 12 hungover
  83. City residents to leave urban quiet for noisy speedboats at lake retreats
  84. HealthSouth to change name to EnronSouth
  85. Woodville petting zoo suspected as harbor for terrorist llamas
  86. Losing candidates prepare to make losing endorsements
  87. Lacrosse team loses heartbreaking season ender in court, 12-0
  88. It’s always sunny in Pleasant Grove, making it difficult to sleep
  89. Immigration reform leads to angry words between non-Indian residents
  90. Governor ponders run for U.S. Poet Laureate
  91. Ice cream trucks prepare to deliver frozen treats, narcotics
  92. Bridal registry nothing more than wish list of kitchen appliances, pricey linens
  93. Allergens roam city unchecked, unlicensed
  94. AmSouth downtown headquarters to be turned into low-rent condos, homeless shelter
  95. Gardendale movie theater expected to show only family-friendly fare, fold by year’s end
  96. North Birmingham car wash employees might not ever get rich
  97. Troopers to mock, honk at stranded interstate drivers
  98. City plans to sell off excess ozone to airy locales
  99. Area kids escape boredom of school for tedium of summer
  100. Beach forecast: heavyset, with chance of occasional thong
  101. Soul Patrol recalled from active duty

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