Wade’s 101: Headline retrospective 2
By Wade Kwon- Baptists battle for who will lead them back into wilderness
- Cops to promote “Puppies for Guns” trade
- Bus survey arrives late, refuses answers not written on exact change
- Bureaucrats take extra-long smoke break to make up for late arrival
- Out-of-work teachers, bankers form long bread line
- Remodeled restaurant still smells like fried ham
- Over-the-mountain mayors vow to form ‘kick-ass’ garage band
- Minor leaguers need seasoning in steroid abuse
- Brighton mom still ‘phoning it in’ on dinner prep
- Trussville embraces cultural diversity of Purple Onion
- Disgraced CEO finds God, shakes Him down for cash
- Prom season ends with five breakups, two births, one missing limo
- Yearbook wish to “Have a good summer” eerily prescient
- Birmingham sheds Magic City nickname for something ‘less heathen’
- Local deadbeat dads still expect Father’s Day gifts
- Your MySpace page is barely readable, a tad tawdry
- Municipalities to make up tax-holiday shortfall with random property seizures
- Hurricanes predicted to beat up state, vow to never do it again
- Arts groups stock up on liquor for cultural boozefests
- VBS class takes field trip to see how purgatory works
- Overpriced bottle cap murals planned for art festival
- Transit solution eludes non-bus-riding, non-carpooling officials
- Some parents put baby in a corner
- Lakeview revelers celebrate Mexican holiday with American excess, Panamanian pharmaceuticals
- Super sewer actually has no remarkable powers
- Next week: Iced Tea Turnoff Week
- Courts clogged with indicted officials awaiting or attending trials
- Steel coil breaks loose, robs liquor store
- Hoover to be renamed ‘Birmingsouth’
- Election officials prepare for trickles of voters on Tuesday
- Fraud trial swears to tell the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth
- Spring fever upgraded to vernal plague
- School changes motto to “Chug! Chug! Chug!”
- Pledges conduct virtual panty raid on Facebook.com, MySpace
- Sky is all thunder, no storm
- Birmingham-Southern to field D-III rock, paper team, adding scissors squad by 2009
- Festival theater to be converted to sticky 18-room mansion
- Young professionals fight to be heard, then say nothing
- Immigrants gather to watch World Cup, scare barflies
- June bugs rename themselves as “summer swarm”
- State officials plan for unlikely outbreak of World Cup fever
- Undocumented dogs, cats prepare daylong rally for Saturday
- Attalla girl turns to life of porn, sweet sweet porn
- Home-schooled kids want chance to let down teammates, too
- Baby sells naming rights to online casino
- Nonvoters rush to not register to not vote
- Ozone creeps in on little wheezing cat feet
- Citizens flee downtown for gun shops, liquor shacks of suburbia
- Hot enough to make meth on the sidewalk
- Mayor, governor confer on secret backup dome
- Nationally ranked schools still stuck in Alabama
- Parks debate wireless canine access
- County rezoned entirely for condos
- Downtown hot dog vendors war over frank matters
- Midfield pharmacy offering Flag Day sale on expired condoms, pregnancy tests
- Summer school cliques have second chance to shun outsiders
- Did we remember to shut off the irony?
- City braces for vocal onslaught of region’s worst singers
- Hitchhiker aspires to be professional HOV passenger
- Organizers of crime-awareness parade arrested for criminal negligence
- Only 42 shopping days until runoffs
- Transit fight threatens to destroy false unity
- City budget passes without any fatalities
- Protesters at fountain use come hither chants
- Will Smith to star in 2007 comedy-action pic, “Letter from Birmingham Jail”
- Parents expected to ruin kids’ lives through over-, underparenting
- Pension fund turns out to be Confederate money, coupons for hugs
- State bird flu plan: Shoot, deep-fry, then eat
- You can never put too much water in a water treatment facility
- Case of blahs spreads like apathetic wildfire
- It’s too beautiful a day to stay inside and vote
- Alabaster summer school class learns about stuff it should’ve learned back in fall
- Weekend picnic ends tragically in stomach cramps, sunburns
- Roebuck pawn shops offer baby-sitting, coffee, wi-fi
- Teachers’ dirty looks running in short supply near end of school year
- Easter “sugar high” finally wearing off
- Free-range college grads threaten to overrun fragile downtown ecosystem
- State names official moonshine, meth
- Stranded senior citizens hitchhike to bingo hall, tattoo parlor
- Killer storms threaten porous citizens
- Fireworks stands peddle discount finger- and eye-removal kits
- Downtown ‘Idol’ celebrations turn to riots, leaving 12 hungover
- City residents to leave urban quiet for noisy speedboats at lake retreats
- HealthSouth to change name to EnronSouth
- Woodville petting zoo suspected as harbor for terrorist llamas
- Losing candidates prepare to make losing endorsements
- Lacrosse team loses heartbreaking season ender in court, 12-0
- It’s always sunny in Pleasant Grove, making it difficult to sleep
- Immigration reform leads to angry words between non-Indian residents
- Governor ponders run for U.S. Poet Laureate
- Ice cream trucks prepare to deliver frozen treats, narcotics
- Bridal registry nothing more than wish list of kitchen appliances, pricey linens
- Allergens roam city unchecked, unlicensed
- AmSouth downtown headquarters to be turned into low-rent condos, homeless shelter
- Gardendale movie theater expected to show only family-friendly fare, fold by year’s end
- North Birmingham car wash employees might not ever get rich
- Troopers to mock, honk at stranded interstate drivers
- City plans to sell off excess ozone to airy locales
- Area kids escape boredom of school for tedium of summer
- Beach forecast: heavyset, with chance of occasional thong
- Soul Patrol recalled from active duty
• • •
Read more Wade’s 101.