Wade’s 101: Love sucks
By Wade Kwon- I know that of which I speak.
- Let’s face it: Tis better to have loved and won.
- Now is the winter of our dysfunction.
- If you love someone, set them… up?
- I laugh in the face of commitment.
- Some call me the gangster of love (and I’ve ordered a hit on Cupid).
- Bad question: Who are you, and what are you doing in my bed?
- Worse question: Who are you, and what are you doing in my pants?
- I may be cheap, but I’m also easy.
- Today’s mantra: shoulda seen it comin’, shoulda seen it comin’, shoulda seen it comin’…
- Love means never having to say “Piranha are eating me alive!”
- If love makes the world go round, mine could use a little push.
- Those three little words that mean so much: Credit cards accepted.
- “I just need some space.” Cringe factor: 7.
- There’s a new self-help video for recovering “love” sufferers called I’m Okay, You’re a Lying Sack of Shit.
- You know what they say about too much lovin’? (No, I’m asking you.)
- The 900 line I’m starting offers affection and tenderness.
- Operators standing by live to cuddle long-distance.
- Sample: “Oh honey, you know you’ll always be the one for me” ($2.99/min. MC/VISA).
- Press 1 for commitment, 2 for sincerity, 3 for mushiness.
- Press 4 for wooing, 5 to hear “I love you” repeated non-stop.
- At any time you may press the star key to speak to Barry White.
- But it’s not all migraines and sweaty palms…
- That part about for better or for worse? It ain’t a multiple choice question…
- Pickup line for the rest of the decade: “I know you’re my therapist, but you have the most gorgeous eyes.”
- When they toss the bouquet at a wedding, bat it down and stomp it into petal dust.
- Always a stalker, never a stalkee.
- Who wrote the Book of Love? The same guy who wrote Catch-22.
- Nothing says “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” like a binding pre-nuptial agreement.
- The best cure for a broken heart? A swollen gland.
- Romeo and Juliet? I love happy endings.
- Flirting: the love that dare not speak its name.
- Dating services: no-fuss one-stop pimping.
- Adultery: love to go.
- Loneliness: I prefer “love-challenged.”
- Bulimic love: Instead of binge purge binge purge, it’s fumble despair fumble despair.
- Second guessing: the cool-down routine after an invigorating break-up.
- “Boy meets girl, boy loses girl in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year’s Day.”
- Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match…
- Find me a find, catch me a catch…
- Bartender, bartender, lend me a match…
- Pour me a drink (I’m going to retch).
- Every song reminds you of her, even though you’re listening to talk radio.
- In my language, “love” would just be another synonym for “ha!”
- Instead of escort services, how about rebound services?
- What was I thinking?!
- Dating: that nervous tic.
- Love: that queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach.
- Relationships: that constant pounding in your skull.
- Break-ups: that overwhelming sense of doom, with occasional bursts of gloom.
- Even my blow-up doll left me (for the Michelin Man).
- “Is that the salad dressing you bought?” meaning either “Oh, there it is” or “You got the wrong kind you incompetent jackass.”
- It’s a fact: Love causes cancer.
- And it’s been proven harmful in small children and animals.
- Pride? Yeah, right!
- Sayonara, self-esteem.
- “Maybe we should start seeing other people” Cringe factor: 6.
- Ah, bitterness.
- Everything’s better with bitter.
- Bitterness is a many splendored thing.
- Bitter? I hardly even know her! (rim shot)
- I’d like the break-up haircut please, extra conditioner.
- How do I want my coffee? Black, like your heart!!!
- How do I want my eggs? Scrambled, like my soul.
- I’d now like to take back every love poem, haiku, and rondo.
- We’re shipping troops overseas? Send me!
- Testing new pharmaceuticals? Pick me!
- Balancing the budget? Me me me!!
- “If it weren’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have no luck at all.”
- “It’s not you, it’s me.” Cringe factor: 9.
- You get along, they fight constantly.
- You break up, they’re still together.
- Ain’t love grand?
- I’ve got the lovesick to my stomach makes me wanna holler les’ better blues.
- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you.
- Ah television, you’ll never leave me.
- Sweet sweet beer, you’ll never forsake me.
- Dear chocolate, promise me you’ll always be my one and only.
- Lovely nicotine, you’ll… oh, forget it.
- Breakup Express, a new service featuring quick courteous delivery to your door of the dreaded news.
- The Love Doctor is in.
- Advice to singles: You are not alone (no, wait, you are).
- Advice to steadies: Yes, that is a gun pointed at your head.
- Advice to the lovelorn: Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stranger.
- Advice to the engaged: Pawn your rings.
- Advice to newlyweds: separate honeymoons.
- Advice to divorcees: I told you so.
- That’s okay, my friends never liked you anyway. Nyaah.
- It’s good to have a sense of humor, so it can get crushed, too.
- “I gave her my heart, and she gave me a pen.”
- Who gets custody of the stuffed animals?
- I believe my inner child is saying, “KILL ME NOW!! KILL ME NOW!!”
- Everyone’s fave question: “Whatcha thinking about?”
- Everyone’s fave response: “Umm… nothing?”
- I’m allergic to puppy love.
- Let’s fight over the wagon wheel coffee table.
- “I just don’t love you anymore.” Cringe factor: 9.6.
- Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk.
- “As contestants in the Relationship Game, here are some lovely parting gifts. Thanks for playing. Suckers.”
- Isn’t co-dependency fun?
- Love sucks, and then you die.
Despite all his rage, Wade Kwon is still just a rat in a cage.
Originally appeared in the February 1996 issue of Black and White.
Also:
- Wade’s 101: Funny About Love
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Read more Wade’s 101.
Sunday, February 11, 2007, 10:07 pm
I’m reading your 101 while listening to Loudon Wainwright III’s “People In Love”, how appropriate.
Monday, February 12, 2007, 3:11 pm
So much has changed in 11 years. Or, not.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007, 9:16 pm
Some things are timeless. Like good music. Or the pain of love.
Sunday, September 16, 2007, 10:45 am
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