Wade on Birmingham

Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 5

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  1. could be verse
    Real poems have lines
    like “somber remembrance” and
    “enchanted embrace.”
  2. breaking point
    Ultimate test of
    customer service: Can you
    give me change for 10?
  3. overheard while shoplifting
    If you think that’s bad,
    wait until you hear about
    my other gallstone.
  4. mea gobble
    Message to turkeys:
    Sorry about the slaughter,
    but you taste too good.
  5. all at once
    Highways and airports
    fill with travelers en route
    to a home somewhere.
  6. macy way
    Airy procession
    marches down streets to delight
    chilly spectators.
  7. gift shift
    Elusive perfect
    present hides among aisles of
    discounted baubles.
  8. relative riddle
    Is Uncle Stan gay
    or just really fond of tea
    and muscle-bound men?
  9. osaka connection
    Even an ocean
    can’t separate lovebirds from
    two home continents.
  10. mayhem next month
    Who would win: Christmas,
    Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Solstice
    or Drunkenness Day?
  11. passing of the plates
    Turkey leftovers
    still squat in corner of fridge
    as pumpkin pie goes.
  12. cole’s law
    When I fall in love,
    it will be forever … I’ll
    never fall in love.
  13. the santa cause
    Kids, don’t ever stop
    believing in magic of
    holiday giving.
  14. and the whole world laughs at you
    Ranting at hecklers
    projects undignified air.
    In the end, poise counts.
  15. the resolution will not be televised
    To me, HD looks
    same with wider pic and less
    money in wallet.
  16. clear and present arranger
    Holiday shopping
    nets more gifts for me than for
    loved ones on long list.
  17. ribbit relations
    Thinking back, I thought
    he really said was “Can’t we
    all just get a frog?”
  18. volunteer state
    Lend a hand to those
    who need it and reap rewards
    you can’t imagine.
  19. for kids from 1 to 92
    Although it’s been said
    many times, many ways, Mer-
    ry Christmas to you
    .
  20. bare necessities
    Shopping in comfort
    in your underwear makes for
    awkward trip to mall.
  21. without a paddle
    Xbox, Wii, Gameboy,
    PlayStation, PC, Mac and
    cell. But what of Pong?
  22. peak, a view
    Snow-covered mountain
    looms like crystal pyramid
    sent from wintry land.
  23. scrooged at 2:15
    I’ve seen this movie
    too many times on cable.
    Well, once more won’t hurt.
  24. second hand schedule
    Not so much that I
    can’t sleep as that I can’t seem
    to follow the clock.
  25. on to lacrosse
    Football season won’t
    go away, even after
    stench overwhelms me.
  26. for extra credit
    Pop quiz: This year was:
    a) blessed; b) abyssmal; or
    c) full of surprise?
  27. chrono-metrics
    I find time stands still
    when my eyes remain open
    and life meanders.
  28. spatial deliveries
    Deliveries pile
    up on doorstep, as Christmas
    cheer comes in boxes.
  29. my muse
    Tall, willowy, with
    a hint of danger. Also,
    fully stocked with meth.
  30. 2 soon 4 1040
    Columns of numbers
    hide deductions and details
    for IRS use.
  31. mini-blizzard in dixie
    Electric snowflakes
    dot lampposts along blacktop
    bereft of powder.
  32. to my hair and/or mistress
    You may think that you’re
    worth the time and trouble but
    don’t flatter yourself.
  33. more like egg-not
    Holiday eggnog,
    so much better than plain ol’
    regular eggnog.
  34. circle of labor
    Soon, new arrivals
    take still-warm seats of those who
    moved on to next jobs.
  35. faded yellow ribbon
    In case you didn’t
    remember, we’re still at war
    somewhere over there.
  36. for the rest of us
    Air those grievances.
    Happy Festivus, Georgie!
    Now pin your father!!
  37. panic! at the newsstand
    Critics’ year-end lists
    cite whole other culture I
    missed while watching crap.
  38. sock it to me
    Empty stocking hangs
    on mantel, soon to be stuffed
    with holiday gear.
  39. like a bowlful of jelly
    I heard him exclaim …
    Happy Christmas to all, and
    to all a good night!”
  40. tide of indifference
    Seriously, let’s
    not discuss football for at
    least six, seven months.
  41. supersized, thanks for asking
    Holiday pounds to
    melt away like so many
    pre-resolutions.
  42. vacation on the bed
    Days off turn into
    sick leave as body recoups
    from start of winter.
  43. squeaky wheel and deal
    I’ve registered a
    complaint, while you merely whine.
    See the difference?
  44. one year at a time
    Can’t look ahead to
    new year until old year stuff
    gets taken care of.
  45. ticking of the calendar
    Even one day can
    make all the difference if
    it is one well spent.
  46. impotent potables
    Cure for hangover:
    More drinks, plus a week’s worth of
    downtime. Quiet, please.
  47. priorities in the new year
    Welcome back to the
    grind. Lots to do, but first, how
    about some coffee?
  48. freezer frame
    Icy bin contains
    frosty bagged treasures that were
    once cooked leftovers.
  49. what has crippled the office
    Influenza or
    common cold or some type of
    walking pneumonia.
  50. sour time to shine
    Bitterness isn’t
    a good way to live out your
    limited lifetime.
  51. money talks
    When you’ve got it, you’ve
    got it. When you don’t, make sure
    you can purchase it.
  52. crave theater
    When someone suggests
    “milkshake,” it’s stuck in my head
    if not on menu.
  53. rocky roads
    Pitch white countryside
    hatched with straight slivers at foot
    of majestic range.
  54. tone ref
    Evenhanded voice
    can smooth roughest of journeys
    with dulcet output.
  55. feline fixture
    The fierce stuffed bobcat
    serves as tabletop lookout,
    permanently crouched.
  56. suicide squeeze
    Miles of nothing bring
    unnatural end to desperate
    townsfolk all alone.
  57. bad blood
    Pint-size donation
    pricks at good will when needle
    hits nerve while in vein.
  58. pulpy love
    Those stacks of paper
    seem archaic with scanners
    to digitize all.
  59. maladays
    Concentration: shot.
    Feeling of queasiness: yep.
    Illness: reigns unchecked.
  60. state of the artifice
    Cool folks disregard
    uncool masses for sake of
    keeping up image.
  61. cynic’s oath
    Even if I trust
    you, which I don’t, your lies can’t
    move me anymore.
  62. crash saga day 1
    Computer hard drive
    conks out after strange doings.
    I meant to back up!
  63. crash saga day 2
    Long night yields relief
    as copied ones and zeroes
    migrate to backup.
  64. crash saga day 3
    Laptop teases with
    on-again, off-again boot.
    Why can’t you behave?
  65. crash saga day 4
    Faithful computer,
    you made it through mid-’00s.
    Alas, short circuit.
  66. morsels, more so
    Dining among friends
    provides more than sustenance,
    as luck would have it.
  67. against the migraine
    Never mind what the
    doctor, common sense says — it’s
    all in your headache.
  68. ever too late
    Catching up ain’t no
    fun when the falling behind
    is surging ahead.
  69. identity heft
    It’s not enough to
    know who you are if no one
    else knows who you are.
  70. through panoramic panes
    Great outdoors appears
    warmer from safety of walled
    indoors during winter.
  71. ode to friday
    Weekend seems like a
    good idea after five
    (or so) working days.
  72. dial m for mirth
    Familiar voice greets
    me from afar with touching
    sentiment and wit.
  73. plebeian, heal thyself
    Should I worry more
    about the things I eat or
    the wanting of sleep?
  74. artistry deity
    Act of creation
    isn’t god complex but more
    like feat of mortal.
  75. the lost rumination
    Thoughts lost in maelstrom
    of distraction set noggin
    reeling without end.
  76. payback’s a brunch
    Revenge is a dish
    best served with a knowing smile
    and unanswered glee.
  77. a model’s life
    Stand there, hold this and
    don’t look directly at the
    camera, OK?
  78. shill the beans
    If I told all my
    secrets, and all their secrets,
    who would believe me?
  79. one-a-half-way street
    Trust takes time for me,
    but only because others
    give it so freely.
  80. your guide to the super bowl
    Hard to say if bear
    would beat colt, unless colt is
    really a pistol.
  81. pro-crastinate, anti-quate
    Why put off things now
    when you can stop completely
    and relax awhile?
  82. cut-rate convo
    If you have time to
    talk later, feel free to do
    talking for me, too.
  83. not my problem
    If nobody takes
    responsibility, then
    no one is to blame.
  84. things to do while driving
    Eat, talk on phone, change
    CD, adjust heat, yell at
    other car, primp, nap.
  85. black valentine
    2/14 horror
    movie? Easy. Regular
    day plus expectation.
  86. bigger and better
    The accomplishments
    somewhat make up for what is
    missing in this life.
  87. funny girl
    Her one-liner brings
    easy laughter and sense of
    possibility.
  88. cells’ bells
    The place where I come
    from is not far from the place
    where I’ll return soon.
  89. pop pop pop
    Late at night, gunshots
    pepper dreamscape with horrid
    bursts of mad chatter.
  90. cupid human tricks
    Hearts, flowers, candy,
    nothing but tokens on a
    bad greeting card day.
  91. shiversmith
    Bitter winds add to
    misery of too much snow
    in blitzing blizzard.
  92. critical ass
    Toughest audience
    weighs in every time I look
    in any mirror.
  93. the adhd post
    Short attention span
    makes for cheap gag when– hey, what
    happened over there?
  94. what the world needs now
    Believe in power
    of love, or live without hope
    of better planet.
  95. fitzgerald was right
    I have witnessed the
    elite put on their pants one
    pressed leg at a time.
  96. cold snapped
    Thawing has begun.
    Resume circulation of
    blood and start warming.
  97. hell hath no furry
    Catlike reflexes
    are just no match for doglike
    imbecility.
  98. take his side
    The other me lies
    on a beach, sipping cold drinks
    and not wondering.
  99. enroachment
    Horrid little bug
    scampers across countertop
    in once clean kitchen.
  100. kidding kapers
    An insulting jab
    meant as a compliment shows
    just how far we’ve come.
  101. afternoon amble
    Dog on a leash and
    baby in a carriage head
    down street together.

• • •

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