Wade on Birmingham

Contest results: Pick your favorite haiku

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haiku contest prize - pink pillowThanks to everyone who read through the haiku for the Pick your favorite haiku contest. First, our randomly drawn winner from all qualified entries is … James!

Congratulations, James, your crappy prize —a hot pink heart-shaped pillow in honor of Valentine’s Day — is on the way.

The big question is: Will I be part of Friday’s lineup of spoken word performers at BMA Speaks on Friday at the Birmingham Museum of Art?

(Updated with response from the museum.)

The answer came in an e-mail from the person who asked for entries last week:

Dear Wade-

Space is getting pretty tight. I can really only accommodate something that is very short, only a two or three minute poem at the most. Do you have something that could be read in that short amount of time?

Thanks.

Are you kidding me?! First, if you’re going to solicit entries, read the damn entries. (I’ll include my submission below.) Second, just how long do you think it takes me to read 17 lousy syllables? Two- to three-minute poem?? Try two- to three-second poem.

Arrrgh. And that’s why the Birmingham Museum of Art is a joke when it comes to planning something like a spoken word event.

Allow me to respond poetically:

Thanks for trying to
reach out to poets, only
to kick them in crotch.

Go if you want to hear, not the best poetry, but the ones that fit in a predefined timeslot. I’m staying the hell away.

Update (Feb. 6): Melanie Parker, the museum’s marketing/PR director called Thursday to apologize for the mix-up. The person coordinating the event responded without an apology.

Here are a few of the entries I could’ve read Friday night.

hell hath no furry
Catlike reflexes
are just no match for doglike
imbecility.

blur of days
I did this Sunday.
(Or was that last Saturday?)
Is today Tuesday?!

blazing around
A hundred degrees
don’t make you smarter, but they
do make you suffer.

tavern toast [James’ winning pick]
Biker gang mingles
with frat boys and old ladies.
Liquor makes this work.

up and autumn
Fall wanders to town,
Hues turn non-green with envy,
No leaf left behind.

fruit war
Bananas attack.
Apples fight back; peaches flee.
It’s threat level orange.

brutally malled
Shoppers choke the aisles
desperately seeking joy
in prepackaged goods.

temp-estuous
If you can’t stand heat,
get the hell out of ‘Bama
in winter??! Warm spell.

pigs and lipstick
I prefer them pigs
without makeup, looking all
natural and what.

muchas smooches
They started out as
wary companions, but then
had a liplock lunge.

our bodies, our shelves
We chase each other
around the bookstore sharing
laughs and tunes and sweets.

post-modern corporate riddle
What’s worse: being axed,
facing the ax, or grinding
through a sucky job?

a long political season
Maybe we could vote
tomorrow and end the long
stream of ads, pundits.

words that are outdated or i loathe
Cyber. Staycation.
Brand management. Pre-boarding.
Green. Operative.

the big bailout
It’s like we’re all on
the Titanic, with lifeboats
carved from slabs of salt.

the undecided
We’ve had 23
months, 10 days, five hours. You
still can’t pick a prez?!

there once was a time
We prospered, gas flowed,
homes felt safe, rivers ran clear,
and our nation led.

bus to nowhere
The city bus rests
along the curb, disgorging
its stranded riders.

changing of the guard
The old soldier stares
across the battlefield and
declares victory.

intimacy
True intimacy
comes from intertwining of
unsheathed beating hearts.

president obama
The American
dream starts with one voice preaching
possibilities.

table for one
Two drink minimum,
jazz until the wee hours,
lost in smoky gaze.

a steady tremble
Her soft hand keeps watch
over mine, while a second
hand provides backup.

buzzword bailout
Change! Terrorist fist
bump! Maverick! Staycation!
Recessionista!

the pain of letting go
I said I didn’t
need you any more. But I
lied just a little.

so much for small talk
It starts out as an
introduction and ends up
as a fumbled gulp.

dear santa 2008
Please reduce your staff
by 10 percent and drop all
bonuses. Thank you.

nonresponsive
She doesn’t answer
but lets it pass aside as
a touchy subject.

peanut gallery perspective
Back row listens, waits,
while audience still debates.
Complain and complain.

3 Yips for “Contest results: Pick your favorite haiku”

  1. Jen
    Wednesday, February 4, 2009, 11:56 pm
    1

    Start out rhyming, end up crying.

  2. Wade
    Thursday, February 5, 2009, 12:01 am
    2

    Rhyming? RHYMING?! Blurg.

  3. trav
    Thursday, February 5, 2009, 1:17 am
    3

    That’s too bad. ‘Fruit War’ and ‘Dear Santa 2008’ need to be uttered into a mic and amplified.

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