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Wade’s 101: You’re so Birmingham if … (2010 Twitter version)

Friday, August 27th, 2010

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  1. The only political or social cause you’ve ever been involved with was to legalize stronger beer. (@david_carter)
  2. You can’t stop wishing corruption didn’t kill City Stages. #didanybody’schecknotbounce? (@sandybirmingham)
  3. You’ve never used public transportation in Birmingham. (@bwdaly)
  4. You go to a “meat n’ three” because someone said that they have “good vegetables.” (@rebecca_morrow)
  5. Your panhandler rides a nicer bike than yours. (@WadeOnTweets)
  6. You think Surin is a really nice restaurant. (@Iva4Gov)
  7. You’re a judge with a law degree from an unaccredited law school. (@bwdaly)
  8. You can do an impression of Bill Bolen saying “Momma.” (@bwdaly)
  9. You are sitting around trying to think up clever sayings for #You’reSoBirminghamIf. (@filamentartists)
  10. You say “Vulcan” and not “The Vulcan.” (@CreekRat)
  11. You’ve never lived in a real city and don’t understand how bad things are here. (@bwdaly)
  12. You used to drink beer at Norm’s. (@CreekRat)
  13. You grew up 30+ miles out in the suburbs, but still claim the ‘ham as your “hometown.” (@feralparakeet)
  14. You know the truth of Birmingham retail: If you can’t park and see it, the shop is unlikely to survive. (@politicalparlor)
  15. You’ve ever wanted to get the clippers after James Spann’s hair to shave that little center part off. (@StaceyHood)
  16. You bought your 205 jersey at a yard sale or Goodwill. (@WadeOnTweets)
  17. You voted for Ruben, Bo and Taylor. :) (@sandybirmingham)
  18. You constantly tell people how awesome Birmingham is, even though you know it’s a lie. (@david_carter)
  19. You don’t know how to get over the mountain without using 65 or 31/280. (@bwdaly)
  20. You can drive from downtown to the Inverness Target without getting on 280. (@piercingwit)
  21. Anyone you ever elected went to jail. (@WadeOnTweets)
  22. You discussed how sad you were when the Stallions and the Fire folded, but you never went to a game. (@MellowBHAM)
  23. You wish the Iron Bowl was moved back to Legion Field. (@Iva4Gov)
  24. You’ve always wanted copies of the Legion Field lions to guard your driveway. (@theCapNdavid)
  25. You’re one of the badasses from @BAAMfest who proved you don’t need the city government to put on a successful festival. (@bwdaly)
  26. You have to fly through a hub in Atlanta, Memphis, Houston, etc. to get to the West Coast. (@Iva4Gov)
  27. You judge the severity of severe weather by how James Spann is dressed. (Coat off, sleeves up: Better pay attention!) (@kristenmstewart)
  28. You went to an all-white or all-black school. (@bwdaly)
  29. Your only political trope is race. (@bwdaly)
  30. You’ve ever heard slot machines described as part of the civil rights movement. (@chris_depew)
  31. You prefer faith to knowledge. (@bwdaly)
  32. You’ve had a supermarket checkout person refuse to sell you beer at 11:53 a.m. on a Sunday. (@messyepicure)
  33. You remember going to Century Plaza! (@briancauble)
  34. Your megachurch has its own ZIP code. (@WadeOnTweets)
  35. You’ve dressed up as a former Jefferson County commissioner for Halloween. (@UrbanPat)
  36. You confess to friends that your parents were racists … “but I’m not!” (@collirp)
  37. You pick a lunch place solely based on its dancing sign guy. (@WadeOnTweets)
  38. You have a favorite Mike Royer hairpiece. (@joey__t)
  39. You kill the messenger. (@bwdaly)
  40. You believe “progress” requires the destruction of our history. (@tbdcreativeinc)
  41. You don’t valet. (@Iva4Gov)
  42. You’ve moved out of the city, but still keep whining about its leaders. (@seankelley)
  43. The compass on your iPhone points toward Vulcan. (@andyspain)
  44. You have hope and work for change despite the naysayers. (@bikeskirt)
  45. You are so paranoid about what outsiders think you can’t laugh at your own expense. (@chris_depew)
  46. You drink Grapico and Buffalo Rock. (@Iva4Gov)
  47. The new Bass Pro Shops store is a destination for you. (@aathu)
  48. You look forward to seeing what Mickey Ferguson is going to do on Halloween! (@Iva4Gov)
  49. Your life was enhanced by Cecil Whitmire. (@bwdaly)
  50. You do that ghetto “Electric Slide” to every damn song. (@yendisak)
  51. You know not to read the comments on AL.com. (@Owsley9)
  52. You go off-roading on unpaved city streets. (@WadeOnTweets)
  53. You know Marty and Ona really well. (@aathu)
  54. You whine that criticism is part of the problem. (@bwdaly)
  55. You can’t find the humor in the negatives. (@filamentartists)
  56. You use Dale’s Steak Seasoning. (@Iva4Gov)
  57. You have no idea of the pernicious effect of college football on Alabama’s public university system. (@bwdaly)
  58. You remember seeing Survivor @WrightCenterSU. (@WrightCenterSU)
  59. You’ve known or met at least two people that have worked for EBSCO. (@rebecca_morrow)
  60. You whine about metro traffic but would never dream of taking a bus. (@AR_Kirby)
  61. Your favorite sports team is at the college level or below. (@khcreative)
  62. You pop a woody every time a new chain store or chain restaurant opens. (@bwdaly)
  63. You helped elect Larry Langford mayor without a runoff. (@bwdaly)
  64. You grew up wanting to live in the big city and ended up in Birmingham. (@WadeOnTweets)
  65. You recognize something good must be afoot, if the naysayers come out play. (@Owsley9)
  66. You wish the Birmingham Barons played more games at Rickwood (and actually in Birmingham). (@politicalparlor)
  67. You’d drive downtown for hockey but not to Hoover for baseball. (@WadeOnTweets)
  68. You’re generous. Birmingham is ranked as the most charitable city in the United States! http://bit.ly/aEiJXW (@alabamapossible)
  69. You have the front of Vulcan as your view instead of the butt. (@motionmind)
  70. You confuse tourists needing directions and say, “Follow me …” (@aathu)
  71. You know the steam table at Fife’s. Yum. #ILoveBirmingham (@Jerry_Griffies)
  72. You remember when Dreamland only had ribs, white bread and sauce. (@StaceyHood)
  73. You’ve ever spent a week’s pay on a tailgate party. (@chris_depew)
  74. Your political campaign has distributed flyers calling your opponent an Uncle Tom. (@bwdaly)
  75. You give and understand directions that are nothing but numbers: 31, 280, 459, 150, 119 … (@KnowTea)
  76. You write a blog post for @aldotcom about this hashtag. http://ow.ly/2vmWd (@KristenHeptin)
  77. You’re addicted to Milo’s sweet tea. (@aathu)
  78. You are a struggling freelancer. (@filamentartists)
  79. You learn that you and the person you just met have seven mutual acquaintances. (@AR_Kirby)
  80. Your “minister” was part of Richard Scrushy’s Amen Mafia. (@bwdaly)
  81. You miss Ollie’s barbecue. (@DrNemoJr)
  82. You have no sense of irony. (@bwdaly)
  83. Everybody in your circle is banging one another. (@yendisak)
  84. You think Pam Huff has been on TV for too long. (@aathu)
  85. Your parking meter is actually a sawed-off pole. (@WadeOnTweets)
  86. You are sick and tired of hearing the word “potential.” (@filamentartists)
  87. Your sewer bill could pay for clean drinking water for three African villages. (@sandybirmingham)
  88. Most of your tweets are about shopping. (@bwdaly)
  89. Everyone you know — grannies, hippies and pastors included — is in at least one football pool. (@chris_depew)
  90. You don’t tell your customers who you pull for in the Iron Bowl because you don’t want them to hold this against you. (@APPRAISALSOURCE)
  91. You have a favorite BBQ joint, sports talk show, hot dog place, high-grav brew and wing shack. (@WadeOnTweets)
  92. You had a dream last night featuring Jim Skinner. (I did.) (@bwdaly)
  93. Your former mayor is a shopping addict. And is now in jail. (@cmhallua)
  94. You only spend money in the Lakeview District drinking. (@aathu)
  95. You buy sweet tea at the grocery store. (@juliesenter)
  96. You’ve ever felt sick when you heard someone say “the neighborhood changed” and realized what they meant. (@glennybrock)
  97. You call Pam Huff “Ham Puff.” (@bwdaly)
  98. You have more square feet of TV than linear feet of books. (@bwdaly)
  99. You aspire to live in Hoover. (@aathu)
  100. You jus’ got you one o’ nem “tweeter pages.” (@aathu)
  101. You ignore the fact that most of the city’s population is poor and struggling, while you just care about lunch/bars/events. (@david_carter)

The full list of #YoureSoBirminghamIf tweets from Aug. 26, 2010.

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Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 17

Monday, June 21st, 2010

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  1. down the looking glass
    More movies will use
    3D as gimmick, but need
    2D beforehand.
  2. rock star knitting
    Electric needles
    shred leather yarn into a
    bitchin’ Afghan shawl.
  3. an hour here, an hour there
    Folks may gripe about
    springing forward, yet they fall
    back on time-wasters.
  4. vast improvements
    Big changes afoot.
    Everything old must make way
    for up and coming.
  5. march missteps
    The tango of spring
    and winter, as each fights to
    lead across the land.
  6. beyond the edge of midnight
    Prowl the city streets
    looking for action, looking
    for some distraction.
  7. ice and hardwood
    Balls and pucks, dribbles
    and dekes, madness arrives in
    many forms this month.
  8. printemps, salut
    With the arrival
    of spring, the nose itches and
    aches. Damn allergies.
  9. mother nature’s prerogative
    Why not sunny and
    warm, followed by snow and rain
    and chills? Seasons change.
  10. one cure
    Easier to fix
    health care than the cancer of
    partisan rancor.
  11. dirty dreams
    The garden will be
    lush with vegetation and
    sweat from planting hands.
  12. plan for spring cleaning
    Throw away every
    thing. Done. Now the house is as
    clean as it can be.
  13. internal barometer
    Spring demands penance
    through sneezes and sniffles. An
    allergy humbles.
  14. strangers no more
    Banishment of the
    begins with hello.
  15. school spirits
    Each sip enhances
    and also suppresses new
    alcohol knowledge.
  16. the south: a primer
    Sweet tea, hey y’all, fried
    foods, slow drawl, warm greetings, hot
    summers, bless your heart.
  17. work station, early monday
    The hallway remains
    quiet, even as the drones
    file in for the week.
  18. people are
    People are funny,
    warm, mean, cryptic, loving, true,
    hateful, rude, human.
  19. cutting your losses
    Some would rather hold
    on to a losing hand than
    fold and shuffle up.
  20. the unexpected
    The end of a long
    day brings not relaxation
    but a renewed hope.
  21. the talkative introvert
    The shy will speak, the
    dead will rise, and blood will pour
    from heaven’s earhole.
  22. an iPad for an iPad
    Uploaded on the
    holy e-tablet are the
    1010 commandments.
  23. a rabbit’s tale
    Eggs to hide, baskets
    to deliver. A bunny’s
    work is never done.
  24. egg-pocalypse
    Each still-hidden egg,
    a ticking time bomb rotting
    in its hand-dyed shell.
  25. a coy season
    Spring sometimes likes to
    hide herself between winter
    and summer, too cute.
  26. life is a game show
    Questions get harder.
    The prizes, bigger. No help
    from the audience.
  27. that’s how rumors get ended
    People will talk, but
    then someone actually
    listens. Game over.
  28. a day of tasks
    Somehow, it always
    gets done. Leftover items
    seem to disappear.
  29. this modern life
    Robot slave who takes
    out the trash and feeds the dogs
    and raps: Where are you?
  30. putting made easier
    Virtual greens on
    widescreens lie in wait for crowds
    of upscale gawkers.
  31. on two wheels
    The land zips by, but
    with a tactile breath. Helmet
    on, feet pedaling.
  32. stuffy
    world keeps the nostrils clenched and
    the oxygen scarce.
  33. the sweet tea brigade
    Gallons of sugar
    water soothe on hot days. And
    then, the kidney stones.
  34. the ides of april
    Beware, for the day
    comes at a steep cost to tax
    cheats and laggards, too.
  35. unqualified but unabated
    The advice is free,
    even if the adviser
    is making it up.
  36. a night on the town
    A quick wave, a long
    conversation, a crushing
    handshake, a deep nod.
  37. a slight sizzle
    The tell-tale texture
    of a perfectly prepared
    lamb chop. A cook knows.
  38. circles
    Your circle and my
    circle intersect without
    subtracting ourselves.
  39. craft on demand
    Fast, good or cheap, pick
    three. No, wait. Pick two. Or pick
    one, cross your fingers.
  40. the puppy episode
    A floppy-eared, four-
    legged visitor heads your
    way with slobber, barks.
  41. spare the earth, spoil the parasites
    Nonstop assault on
    Mother Earth: matricide or
    just plain suicide?
  42. the end of days
    The time comes in a
    relationship when all that’s
    left is small goodbyes.
  43. at first, i was afraid
    I was petrified.
    It took all the strength I had
    not to fall apart.
  44. porch song
    Gazing upon the
    long stretch of highway, bare feet
    tickled by the breeze.
  45. services out of town
    The trunk is lightly
    packed with belongings and grief.
    Time to pay respects.
  46. sunset from the summit
    Never felt so close
    yet so far from God’s design
    trapped in this ballroom.
  47. every place is bridgeport
    Past the strip mall lies
    the former Walmart and the
    row of used car lots.
  48. parade of smarts
    The brains took turns at
    the mike to divulge what the
    world will look like soon.
  49. crude retort
    The sugar white sands
    cannot escape the oily
    wrath of poisoned tides.
  50. river rampage
    Music City drowns
    beneath stormy onslaught. The
    river runs through it.
  51. unanswered questions
    How did I get here?
    What’s it all about? Is that
    all there is? Why me?
  52. the happiest of wags
    Space dog careens through
    the den, sending poor earth cat
    into a tizzy.
  53. a pint for courage
    One more tug of beer,
    a sip and a gulp. Ready
    for trouble, as such.
  54. advice and insults, free today
    You should look into
    mutual funds, you slimy,
    brainless, lame asshat.
  55. and then the room started spinning
    Before the lights went
    out, the faces closed in and
    the sweat came pouring.
  56. the taco truck
    The oven has holes
    for the cooks to peek out from
    while frying themselves.
  57. stunned but not stunned
    Even at its worst,
    there’s still room to be surprised
    at a brand new low.
  58. losing the signal
    At one point, loud and
    clear. But since the storm, the line
    crackles with static.
  59. sails unfurled
    The dock but a speck,
    the ocean swallows us as
    we surge through the waves.
  60. if it weren’t for the last minute
    Deadline is far off,
    no need to panic. Except
    when it sneaks up fast.
  61. the yardstick
    Do we measure our
    worth against the past, against
    others or don’t count?
  62. tomato invitation
    The vines stretch for more
    room, expecting fruit to burst
    forth any day now.
  63. insurgency
    Rules are issued. They
    rebel. Lines are drawn. They cross.
    Top down. They fight back.
  64. social creatures
    Hiding in a cave
    is no match for venturing
    out into the light.
  65. guessing game
    Thoughts unspoken give
    first clues to internal gaps
    in the narrative.
  66. rib tickler
    Meat really shouldn’t
    fall off the bones. Otherwise,
    you’re stuck with just bones.
  67. pooch parade
    Down the lane, packs of
    dogs march to the beat of a
    thousand wagging tails.
  68. the joy of hex
    Place a curse upon
    the object of your disaf-
    fection. Stir, stir, stir.
  69. rectangular input
    Moving from screen to
    screen, absorbing images
    and words and content.
  70. sentimental, at times
    The faded dusty
    photo reveals a moment
    of pure tenderness.
  71. doused in chlorine
    Bobbing along in
    the deep end, dodging divers
    in cannonball mode.
  72. lessons in comic form
    Don’t try to kick the
    football. Don’t try too hard at
    work. Dennis? Menace.
  73. after lost
    Castaways stuck on
    weird island. Only hope for
    rescue is dying.
  74. the thin line between light and dark
    The winds blow. The rains
    fall. The line snaps. Thus ends our
  75. mutually assured disaffection
    The trust died when she
    lost faith and he kept fighting
    their reality.
  76. influence
    The office nerd has
    no say in the product launch
    but knows good pizza.
  77. dark water
    Hurry, gotta beat
    the traffic to the beach, where
    the oil awaits.
  78. t-shirts for me
    I’m the realest bitch
    you know. No-drama zone. Honk
    if you love silence.
  79. steady on
    The compass needle
    spins with drunken lurches, but
    the course remains true.
  80. posthumous honor
    For those who died in
    service, our feeble thank yous
    must suffice for now.
  81. if goldfish voted
    Not sure why they try
    to sway your vote just 10 feet
    from the polling place.
  82. balls and strikes
    The pitch. Foul tip. The
    pitch. Ball one. The pitch. Strike two.
    The pitch. Out at first.
  83. dairy patrol
    What equinox? The
    real summer starts when the ice
    cream truck jingles forth.
  84. waves of grains
    Hundreds of miles from
    the beach, still finding sand in
    shoes and cars and bags.
  85. counting fireflies
    Flashing blips poke the
    darkness straining to get in
    sync with each other.
  86. the flow of notes
    The saxophonist
    blares out riff after smooth riff,
    shades on the whole time.
  87. there is only try
    The odd thing about
    second chances? They can help
    remove all regrets.
  88. your guess is as bad as mine
    How do we handle
    conflict? Smoothly. How do we
    keep going? Blind faith.
  89. polished to perception
    The best manuscripts
    artfully hide a series
    of drafts and rewrites.
  90. hooky
    Run free. Escape the
    corporate dungeons for a life
    richer in mischief.
  91. the modern ghost
    The modern ghost haunts
    not rundown shacks or scary
    graveyards. He brings dread.
  92. a festival forgotten
    The park once teemed with
    teens and old folks in chairs till
    the money ran out.
  93. about a radish
    The oddball in the
    salad bowl has something to
    say, if only asked.
  94. patriotic cloth
    The fabric of a
    nation isn’t measured in
    stitches but people.
  95. the longest days
    Sweat forms the moment
    grownups step out to check if
    the lawn needs water.
  96. the shortest nights
    Repeat location;
    the crickets and fireflies
    transmit them in code.
  97. a cloak of civility
    Must the default be
    attack and denigrate? Or
    can we listen, too?
  98. house call
    The patient is in
    her pajamas, with an un-
    prescribed ice cream float.
  99. american voodoo
    If it happened, we
    didn’t do it. If we did
    it, pure accident.
  100. the corners in life
    The corners are cloaked,
    with a fist or a tiger
    or a dream in wait.
  101. dueling virtuosos
    Violin and flute
    aren’t foes, but bad notes sound out
    a different tune.

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Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 16

Friday, March 12th, 2010

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  1. santa has severe type 2 diabetes
    Seriously, what
    did you expect from such a
    diet of cookies?
  2. parade of cubicles
    The stapler does not
    suffer from boredom. It moves
    often cube to cube.
  3. a gentle drift
    the cold gave way to flurries
    descending darkly.
  4. the tradition
    Round up the fans to
    watch the game, drink beer, yell at
    the refs, root root root.
  5. a pancake kind of morning
    The house needs warmth. It’s
    a pancake kind of morning.
    Heat up the syrup.
  6. you better watch out
    Santa has turned on
    spyware and night vision to
    decide naughty, nice.
  7. predictions for the next decade
    Flying cars, yoga
    weddings, telepathic phones,
    wars without borders.
  8. a campaign without end
    The race starts anew.
    Someone will someday lead this
    town, but not this year.
  9. sent from above
    A squirrel has the
    run of the attic, keeping
    humans up at night.
  10. adventures at the online mall
    Hard to flirt with the
    virtual checkout girl when
    cart’s filled with doilies.
  11. no wonder
    Piling on the years
    slowly drains the wonder from
    a once bright outlook.
  12. post-modern sleigh ride
    Solar-powered sleigh
    comes with DVD player,
    espresso machine.
  13. crimson pride
    In tough times, a band
    of football crazies pins their
    hopes on Bama’s boys.
  14. a different kind of fun
    It’s a different kind
    of fun when the light goes on
    and teaching connects.
  15. fight on
    No one knows your pain
    but you. And still, you soldier
    on because you must.
  16. that was the decade that was
    War on Terror, Web
    2.0, reality
    TV, red/blue states.
  17. trickles and pours
    Drips and deluges,
    showers and sprinkles, water
    torture never ends.
  18. shopping in the closet
    Zip disks, notebooks, pens,
    souvenir cups, CDs, a
    melted candy cane.
  19. creature feature
    The day you forget
    makeup is the day you see
    friends at the movies.
  20. the case for steroids
    Man was meant to hit
    lots of home runs and bench press
    700 pounds.
  21. short days, long days
    Winter arrives on
    time, with the shortest days filled
    with the longest lists.
  22. the airing of grievances
    Mon ami, what a
    disappointment you’ve been. And
    how dreadful your frown.
  23. the good in all
    If for one day the
    world’s people can become good,
    let it never end.
  24. repeat the sounding joy
    The Lord is come! Let
    Earth receive her king. And hea-
    ven and nature sing
  25. christmas was here
    Pine needles, stray bow,
    wrapping shards, gift receipts, tubs
    of leftovers, peace.
  26. roar in the back yard
    Metal monster sends
    leaves flying into messy
    piles with much thunder.
  27. tomorrow always dies
    The promise of a
    new 24 hours wears
    thin in just a day.
  28. the busiest street in town
    The busiest street
    in town sees a car or two,
    maybe a lost dog.
  29. till the very end
    The fireworks and
    black-eyed peas can’t wait for the
    calendar to change.
  30. a bad breakup
    I looked upon the
    passing year and decade with
    a hint of contempt.
  31. and now your moment of ’10
    Once bit10, 10der
    caress brings a sweet 10sion
    never forgot10.
  32. blades of gory
    The rink seems even
    bumpier when hugged at high
    speed along the ice.
  33. oh, frostbite
    Bitter cold punches
    warm-blooded Southerners right
    below Bible Belt.
  34. flaky threats
    They are coming, and
    nothing you do can stop the
    cruel snowy stampede.
  35. i wish it were colder
    Today, I wish it
    were colder. I can still feel
    my fourth toe and neck.
  36. supermarket sweep
    Blizzard forecast sends
    shoppers on rampage for the
    essentials: bread, milk.
  37. game prep
    Pace nervously, make
    comfort food, wear team colors,
    find a way to win.
  38. writ her name in crimson flame
    Fight on, men! Remem-
    ber the Rose Bowl, we’ll win then.
    Dixie’s football pride.
  39. the cupcake factory
    The little people
    frost their little cakes on a
    little wooden bench.
  40. the case of the missing afternoon
    It is enough to
    share the couch and watch TV
    mysteries for warmth.
  41. but it’s a dry cold
    Shivers and shakes, ice
    and chills. Winter has gone South
    for the, um, winter.
  42. after carson, before armageddon
    The Late Night Wars of
    ’10 began with Leno bomb
    planted in prime time.
  43. t-shirts unlimited
    Each event, group, run,
    slogan has been captured with
    another T-shirt.
  44. promise unfulfilled
    The people will be
    burned only so many times
    until they give up hope.
  45. help haiti
    Now is the time for
    the world to lend a hand to
    our Haitian neighbors
  46. return of the bug
    Even after flu
    vaccine, cootie shot, body
    succumbs to sickness.
  47. habits
    Let’s do the same thing
    a thousand times because it
    takes little effort.
  48. a matter of service
    Do not expect good
    service until you give good
    service unprompted.
  49. rebooting birmingham again
    The reset button
    is faded and worn, having
    been used quite a bit.
  50. stains of history
    Swiftly the currents
    of events rush by, little
    understood for now.
  51. the 39th parallel
    Cross this border to
    see beyond the mists of youth.
    Gaze into more life.
  52. a dare-to-be-great situation
    Buy, sell or process?
    As long as you get paid a
    princely, tidy sum.
  53. no punching at the dinner table
    As satisfying
    as it could be, please refrain
    from feast fisticuffs.
  54. a reporter’s secret
    He never goes home,
    never stops calling, writes and
    rewrites with gusto.
  55. the road to success
    The road to success
    looks nothing like a highway.
    Yet the path is worn.
  56. a rush ahead to the blood
    Smell that? It’s the scent
    of a good story waiting
    to be told to all.
  57. oh, stop
    “Did you hear about
    Fred?” “Fred rules!” “What’s this I hear
    about Fred?” “Get him!”
  58. stronger than she looks
    I can tell her just
    about anything. She won’t
    buckle or break down.
  59. negotiations
    Not so much about
    the plans. Just about the way
    we woo each other.
  60. anywhere there’s cake
    Spongy rich inside
    with a healthy heaping of
    frosting. Milk? Gravy.
  61. the vapors
    Time to bring back the
    vapors, fainting spells and the
    phrase, “I do declare.”
  62. fate accompli
    We are headed to
    the cliff, unable to veer
    away or slow down.
  63. before there was cake
    Powdered sugar leaves
    a tell-tale trail along the
    kitchen countertop.
  64. under the blue tarp
    The bones rot away
    with each pissy rain cloud, hurt
    by frail shingled skin.
  65. keep digging that grave
    Ignorance becomes
    quicksand. Stubbornness becomes
    policy. No hope.
  66. the rehearsal
    It’s somewhat like a
    real performance, minus the
    eyes and time limit.
  67. made with real hummingbirds
    Every last crumb must
    be digested, lest the bak-
    er be offended.
  68. who dat?
    Who dat? Who dat? Who
    dat say dey gonna write dis
    verse? Who dat? Who dat?
  69. notepads and netbooks
    The students scribble
    rapidly on paper and
    pixels. Learn later.
  70. infinite wandering
    is a wonderful thing, till
    you need to focus.
  71. cookies for breakfast
    Taboo treats at the
    breakfast table not as nice
    as the company.
  72. mostly covered
    Mild winter on pause
    as celestial dandruff
    smothers the Deep South.
  73. the olympics of me
    Easy gold medal
    for me in spilling food on
    shirt, typos, napping.
  74. no tricks
    Infant child can’t talk,
    crawl, play trumpet, make dinner,
    write essays, not drool.
  75. cupid’s lament
    Even with many
    arrows on target, mortals
    desire comfort.
  76. a civilization of bureaucracy
    Mayans built temples.
    Egyptians built pyramids.
    We stack paperwork.
  77. the winter equation in dixie
    Mostly mild, with a
    chance of snow and ice, and some
    occasional warmth.
  78. insecurity risk
    The gray light of the
    kitchen reinforces a
    sense of aloneness.
  79. resolutions on, resolutions off
    The gyms, deserted.
    The credit cards, maxed way out.
    Resolved, not hardly.
  80. in the planning stages
    Clean out the closet,
    plan for vacation, smoke less,
    world domination.
  81. olympic dreams: brush with glory
    The disk sails down the
    rink, aimed with bristled intent
    at icy bull’s eye.
  82. olympic dreams: cavalcade on ice
    Hicks, clowns and native
    characters strap on skates to
    wow judges and fans.
  83. olympic dreams: ski, shoot, ski
    With rifles at the
    ready, skiers charge across
    snowy countryside.
  84. olympic dreams: good and bumpy
    Mogul minefield stands
    between agile skiers and
    medals podium.
  85. olympic dreams: i got my half-pipe
    Baggy gymnasts of
    the snowboards twist round and round,
    hanging in mid-air.
  86. olympic dreams: blue borders
    Exposed veins pulse with
    energy from the mountain
    as ants slide between.
  87. olympic dreams: down the frozen colon
    The track has a rep.
    The athletes have a mission:
    Steer straight, fast and true.
  88. olympic dreams: pucks unlimited
    Faceoff. Deke, shot, block.
    Icing, pass … fight! Penalty.
    Shot, shot, score! Horn! Roar!
  89. olympic dreams: vancouver mush
    A host city with
    too much warmth can’t keep much snow
    on the mighty slopes.
  90. at the holi table
    To enjoy the feast,
    you must prove your faith and wear
    a colorful face.
  91. a question of worth
    The lone monk used an
    abacus to calculate
    his worth before God.
  92. almost a blizzard
    When it snows three times
    in a season in the South.
    invest in long johns.
  93. peace be unto you
    Conflict breeds options.
    Fight back. Tuck tail. Induce guilt.
    Give in. Or just talk.
  94. the sin of defiance
    Be not sorry, proud
    jester, for your eternal
    reward is coming.
  95. step step glide
    They dance before a
    half-empty room, half-dressed, full
    of joie de vivre.
  96. heavier than previously thought
    The gold statue, an
    indicator not of true
    merit, but good hype.
  97. minimum flow
    The couch can only
    go so many ways in a
    room before it cries.
  98. the run
    Dawn comes, and out the
    door. Legs begin to churn back
    and forth down the street.
  99. adventure is out there
    Beyond the confines
    of daily routine is a
    world of grand mischief.
  100. need-to-know basis
    Lifelong learning starts
    with observing, then thorough
    questioning. Truth comes.
  101. under foot
    Culinary plans
    can falter when four-legged
    friend strolls through kitchen.

• • •

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Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 15

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

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  1. notes from voltaire
    Life is a shipwreck,
    but we must not forget to
    sing in the lifeboats.
  2. relative insignificance
    A man can feel small
    next to a saint, who feels small
    next to a belief.
  3. pick a direction
    Turn left, then right and
    head for daylight. Soon, you will
    see an opening.
  4. the liberal lion sleeps tonight
    Teddy Kennedy
    gave life to public service
    so we don’t have to.
  5. smiling and wagging
    Pet me, says the hound
    on the patio. And we
    oblige the canine.
  6. traffic snarl
    Clogged lanes move inch by
    inch in never-ending race
    between points A, B.
  7. the days are getting shorter
    Impatient autumn,
    wait your turn. The unruly
    summer needs more time.
  8. football season: can you hear the roar?
    Can you hear the roar
    coming from across the quad?
    It’s time for kickoff.
  9. football season: dear coach
    Please take us to the
    national championship
    (or else, you’re fired).
  10. football season: all bets are on
    What’s the line on the
    game? Not that I want to bet
    or call my bookie.
  11. football season: painted chest dudes
    Noble collegians
    preen with school spirit on their
    fermented torsos.
  12. football season: hey ref
    Do you know why you
    suck? I shall tell you why. You
    suck because you suck.
  13. football season: sideline hazard
    When approached by the
    mascot, make no eye contact
    and don’t shake its hand.
  14. football season: yell, then yell some more
    The raging crowd roars
    its lusty approval as
    the team marches in.
  15. the naming of a decade
    The aughts? The naughts? The
    zeros? The oh-ohs? Decade
    ends in just four months.
  16. working world
    underpaid, stressed out, under
    deadline, over it.
  17. at the drive-in
    I declared my love
    over shakes and a burger,
    hold the mushiness.
  18. 09-09-09
    Dogs for dogging, hands
    for clapping
    . Birds for birding,
    and fish for fishing.
  19. hip to be unemployed
    Meet you at the bar
    for networking after some
    time at coffee shop.
  20. inconsolable souls
    Did we really just
    leave 9/11 victims
    without true justice?
  21. art in review
    How can so many
    artists spend so much time and
    yet produce such crap?
  22. impromptu sing-along
    We don’t start and end
    each others’ sentences. We
    belt out made-up tunes.
  23. the unhappiest place on earth
    What Walmart offers
    (besides low prices): show of
    human misery.
  24. courtesy of the love bandit
    A mysterious
    note appears: “Meet me in the
    bedroom, without pants.”
  25. kindness
    Look back, and see all
    who treated you with kindness
    when you weren’t looking.
  26. fizz
    The glass bubbles in
    anticipation. Lips to
    devour the drops.
  27. d-i-v-o-r-c-e
    A parting of the
    ways, man the lifeboats, let one
    man put asunder.
  28. wash away your sins
    The clouds formed the new
    sky, a torrential dome of
    unending downpour.
  29. the chosen ones
    Get gussied up, preen
    for the cameras, hear them pick
    other, cry inside.
  30. the fog
    Where is the coffee?
    Why is the alarm blaring?
    Morning comes too soon.
  31. wake up
    Wake up, world. Don’t you
    know there’s injustice and sin?
    (Like there’s always been.)
  32. last edition
    The presses rolled one
    last time, and the very last
    newspaperman left.
  33. poisoned from within
    The municipal
    halls were choked with false leaders
    lining their pockets.
  34. saw it in a movie once
    This dude swooped in and
    knocked out the villain, then made
    out with, like, three chicks.
  35. stale popcorn
    The rattling of the
    tough popped kernels goes well with
    the warm flat soda.
  36. restless audience
    They waited in line,
    they waited in seats. Start the
    movie already!
  37. march of the chairs
    The rolling chairs sped
    down the hallway, while folding
    chairs ambled along.
  38. beyond sleepy
    Eyelids remain at
    attention, desperately
    in need of at ease.
  39. weather that demands specific tops
    Air with a bite, light
    with a waxing crispness, and
    sweaters without holes.
  40. this play is just for us
    If we sit very
    still, the performance will keep
    us gripped in drama.
  41. things you learn
    How to tie your shoes,
    bake a pie, drive a car, kiss
    properly, feel good.
  42. trapped on a shuttle bus
    The route takes us no-
    where, yet it’s where we belong,
    looking out windows.
  43. yard warfare
    The yard next door has
    an abundance of leaves, which
    makes this yard pristine.
  44. mask of uncertainty
    Halloween costume
    rejects: Jacko, birther, swine
    flu, Larry Langford.
  45. the unblogged life
    The unblogged life is
    not worth tweeting, Socrates
    said via Facebook.
  46. in the grip of fall
    Art festivals, cool
    air, an abundance of dead
    leaves and Christmas sales.
  47. nature by night
    Silhouettes of trees
    form towering dancers. Dusk
    settles in for now.
  48. a little bit behind
    Later turns into
    next week, which becomes sometime
  49. the palace gourds
    A pumpkin for each
    table, a dancer for each
    stage. Cue the frolic.
  50. cutting smile
    Eyes of triangles,
    crooked nose, and a toothy
    sad grin carved by hand.
  51. all it takes
    All it takes is a
    look from you, a thoughtful gaze,
    a playful hug … (swoon).
  52. the obvious punchline
    Where is the dislike
    button? That’s what she said. I’m-
    ma let you finish.
  53. bundle of nerves
    Stomach a’quiver.
    Unable to sit or stand
    still. Peace of mind gone.
  54. an empty closet
    Hangers dangle on
    the rod, in a sad closet
    without her effects.
  55. the unfinished haiku
    The grand poet took
    up his quill with a flourish
    but came up short
  56. that was the whole of her sermon
    Only connect the
    prose and the passion, and both
    will be exalted.
  57. the bells have stopped ringing
    The standing army
    of one-armed bandits take cash
    as muted beggars.
  58. introvert’s delight
    Learning to reach out,
    then finding a dark hole to
    climb in and recharge.
  59. last on the tarmac
    Luggage comes spilling
    out from the steel belly, glad
    to be home at last.
  60. timed travel
    Two hours forward,
    90-minute delay. Flight
    breaks late barrier.
  61. fiction-finding mission
    Among the bogs and
    swamps, intrepid children looked
    for minotaur eggs.
  62. feats of moderate human strength
    When it comes to doors —
    elevator, revolving —
    he has leverage.
  63. fortunes on the field
    All eyes from the stands
    and from living rooms were glued
    to the final play.
  64. pick up the pieces
    Love endures, despite
    aches and despair and baggage
    and fear and hardship.
  65. city in two
    City of progress
    or site of urban decay.
    A mayor on trial.
  66. deck the haunted halls
    Any decor plans
    beyond orange/black scheme, fake webs
    and witches and ghosts?
  67. political thievery
    A crook stole more than
    just the county’s wealth. He stole
    our trust and goodwill.
  68. the horizon within reach
    A new day, a new
    chance to clear out old tactics
    and lift Birmingham.
  69. birmingham renewed: baby steps
    Who we are as a
    city comes not from who leads
    but who does the work.
  70. birmingham renewed: exorcising ghosts
    Are we haunted? Must
    we fear those who would corrupt
    this town for their gain?
  71. country song 2009
    She done defriended
    me on Facebook and tweeted
    me for the last time.
  72. all souls’ day
    They came for a stay,
    to check on those not ready
    yet for their last trip.
  73. daylight savings redux
    Would it be OK
    to get an extra hour
    of sleep, clock keepers?
  74. what do you want to hear?
    I’ll tell you what you
    want to hear. But only if
    you listen closely.
  75. birmingham renewed: the reins
    The reins are tattered,
    yet still tethered to horses,
    strong but unguided.
  76. birmingham renewed: let’s undo something
    The mistrust, the lies,
    the hopelessness, the rancor,
    the path to nowhere.
  77. birmingham renewed: smash cynicism
    Begone, cynics and
    sycophants. Let us begin
    with true dialogue.
  78. birmingham renewed: vulcan says
    The god of the forge
    leapt from the mountaintop to
    keep watch from up close.
  79. birmingham renewed: what we have
    Good people, good food,
    stubbornness, sense of humor
    and stories galore.
  80. gobbler holocaust
    Somewhere, in the pens,
    struts a turkey who’ll be my
    Thanksgiving repast.
  81. forgotten wars
    We sometimes forget
    those conflicts that kept us free,
    and those who fought them.
  82. the old-timers
    The old-timers sit
    and chuckle in their booths each
    and every morning.
  83. think bigger
    Do not dwell on what
    has been done, what has “worked,” but
    go forth with gumption.
  84. the saddest pup in the world
    Don’t think you can con
    me out of dinner bites. I
    see your tail wagging.
  85. among the ruins
    Among the ruins
    of the decaying forest
    lurked the rogue possum.
  86. fulfillment
    Fulfillment is warm,
    clean laundry, walking along
    with the one, deep breaths.
  87. brisk
    The wind whips up, as
    if to show who’s in charge while
    autumn takes its hold.
  88. let out a woo hoo
    Let out a “Woo hoo!”
    when something goes right, when you
    feel like making noise.
  89. vampire weekend
    They live off blood and
    apparently fervored teen
    girl adulation.
  90. wish list for mayor
    Good ideas, some
    common sense, vision, fiscal
    stewardship and charm.
  91. home stretched
    Moments of silence
    deafen the fields of high school
    teams out of playoffs.
  92. slowly the leaves turn
    Too much water, not
    enough water, and the leaves
    go pale without fail.
  93. visions of cranberries
    The table is set.
    Soon, Tom Turkey will bring feasts
    to all good children.
  94. you may say
    I’m a dreamer. I’m
    not the only one. I hope
    someday you’ll join us.
  95. the view from the shore
    From rude beginnings,
    a prosperous, kind, violent
    nation came to be.
  96. the iron bowl in 17 syllables
    Tradition, empty
    malls, rivalry, crimson white,
    orange blue, braggin’ rights.
  97. just a little more effort
    Some more writing here,
    some more cleaning all around.
    Who needs any sleep?
  98. unable to escape its melody
    Over and over
    the piano sounds out the
    notes heard just by me.
  99. chat away
    Type your sentiments
    on a tiny window in
    a phosphorous screen.
  100. so much good stuff
    Don’t be surprised by
    so much good stuff. Be alert:
    Catch it in advance.
  101. make the season bright
    Head down the street to
    reward neighbors with an off-
    key Christmas carol.

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Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 14

Saturday, August 22nd, 2009

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  1. welcome to the neighborhood
    It is the hour
    when children devour, lawns
    are cut, and we walk.
  2. motivated to stall
    The deadline looms, yet
    the work pile remains. Maybe
    motivation soon.
  3. anywhere a classroom
    Wherever a thirst
    for knowledge, a font appears
    to quench with wisdom.
  4. (more…)

Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 13

Wednesday, May 13th, 2009

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  1. a flaw in weather technology
    Who ever heard of
    seasonal rodent?
  2. 140 characters at a time
    I joined Twitter at
    long last, but now I won’t have
    time to surf Friendster.
  3. a little too frosty
    When you can see your
    breath with your eyes closed, it’s way
    too cold to exhale.
  4. (more…)

Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 12

Sunday, February 1st, 2009
  1. the eerie quiet
    After the crater,
    an unspoken wake begins,
    to pay our respects.
  2. uncool beans
    Sitting in Starbucks
    makes me smell like burnt coffee
    long after I leave.
  3. ponderings on mid-life
    It was then his life
    had spun out of control, a
    hopeless wreck of dreams.
  4. (more…)

Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 11

Friday, October 24th, 2008
  1. yin and yang
    Much is given, much
    is asked. Somewhere, the harvest
    matches the hungry.
  2. pastoral inhabitants
    Farm roll call: goats, cats,
    peacock, chickens, puppies, cows,
    llamas, pigs and worms.
  3. composed at a keyboard
    Can we break grip of
    technology’s distractions?
    Are we not machines?
  4. (more…)

Wade’s 101: Birmingham’s 2020 Summer Olympics

Friday, August 8th, 2008

Torch Relay
1. Stops to light a lot of smokes along U.S. 31.
2. And to roast a pig.
3. Chased by dogs, nearly extinguished by fire hoses.
4. Flame changes to green if no traffic fatalities occur.
5. Due to severe drought conditions, torch transported by hearse surrounded by trooper cars most of the time.
6. As per contract, torchbearers must smile while using sponsor’s product, Cialis With Lime.
7. Fire bad. But free publicity good.
8. Charles Barkley runs it into Legion Field, tripping over his mouth a couple of times.
9. And lighting the cauldron, it’s the 1980 Birmingham Bulls squad!
10. And parking the cars, it’s the 1980 Birmingham Bulls squad.

Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 10

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008
  1. litter rally
    Rubbish! Unkempt room
    surrenders to posse of
    garbage bags. Rubbish!
  2. firefly serenity
    They blink across the
    deep blue darkness, heralding
    winter’s departure.
  3. pollen on hard times
    The yellow coats are
    coming. The yellow coats are
    coming. No escape.
  4. (more…)

Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 9

Friday, April 4th, 2008
  1. have holly jolly kwanzaa
    The shops are abuzz
    with bargain hunts and a few
    unhappy returns.
  2. bargain has-bin
    Crazy deep discounts
    drive shoppers wild with armfuls
    of clearance goodies.
  3. empty gaze
    Vacant stares greet my
    eyes from all points, including
    my own reflection.
  4. (more…)

Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 8

Tuesday, December 25th, 2007
  1. keeping hope alive
    When will the next great
    leader step forward and drag
    us into the light?
  2. diplomatic tide
    Citizens of the
    world find their way to the hills
    of Alabama.
  3. are you smarter than a mayoral candidate?
    Forum sheds little
    light on dark reality
    of city’s problems.
  4. (more…)

Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 7

Monday, September 17th, 2007
  1. techno chronic
    Simplest of gadgets
    baffles smartest of humans.
    Time to reboot life.
  2. stage 6 (2007)
    Vault isn’t a real
    event, just a sponsor of
    Dance Depot dwelling.
    Take the floor as two.
    Swing your partner round and round.
    So much fun you sweat.
  3. stage 5 (2007)
    Festival for kids?
    But they’re small and can’t afford
    Publix shopping. Yet.
  4. (more…)

Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 6

Wednesday, June 6th, 2007
  1. galactic top
    Each twinkle in sky
    orbits other twinkles in
    cosmic whirligig.
  2. whoa whoa whoa
    I’ve often wondered
    about horses. But not in
    a sexual way.
  3. twenty-eight days later
    Short month still leaves too
    much undone. Need petition
    for new, longer day.
  4. (more…)

Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 5

Sunday, February 25th, 2007
  1. could be verse
    Real poems have lines
    like “somber remembrance” and
    “enchanted embrace.”
  2. breaking point
    Ultimate test of
    customer service: Can you
    give me change for 10?
  3. overheard while shoplifting
    If you think that’s bad,
    wait until you hear about
    my other gallstone.
  4. (more…)