Wade’s 101: The Cult of Martha Stewart

Originally published January 1996.

1. Decorating guru by day, stripper by night (paint stripper, natch).
2. Motto: “If you don’t look good, you don’t look good.”
3. Can pit olives using only her telekinetic powers.
4. What instrument does she play? All of them!
5. Middle name? Fussbudget.
6. She renovates more before 9 a.m. than most people do in a lifetime.
7. If life were a hockey game, she’d be the zamboni guy and wouldn’t need the zamboni.
8. The ugly truth: She’s a housewarmin’ junkie.
9. The weather bureau would name hurricanes after her if they only went a little faster.
10. Likes spackling, hates grouting.
11. She wrote the book on perfection, but no one may read it, ever.
12. Thinks Bosnia simply lacking in stylish outerwear.
13. The tragedy of her life summed up in three words: permanent sugar high.
14. In a fair fight, she could poke both your eyes out with her pointed insights on ornamental shrubs.
15. Favorite competition in the Miss America Pageant? Bathroom tiling.
16. There’s a little Martha Stewart in all of us, waiting to get out and kill us when we’re not looking.
17. It’s not easy being queen of the pixies.
18. For God’s sake, she pickles horsemeat!!
19. Claims she could’ve made the world in five days, and with more color-coordination.
20. Martha 1, Tackiness 0.
21. The Martha you once knew is dead; meet Ubermartha, Warrior Pri(nce)ss.
22. Can say “That’s the wrong way to do it” in 38 languages.
23. The Martha 1996 calendar features new holidays like Hemming Day.
24. Using ultra-slow-mo, the Martha TV program shows actual footage of her making a sandwich.
25. The Martha 900 line features her heavy breathing … as she builds her own levee.
26. The Martha syndicated column has recipes for homemade gasoline, industrial solvents, and Tagamet.
27. The latest Martha book is a wacky list of reasons to hate Auburn.
28. The Martha Web site will feature her reaching out of the computer screen to straighten your desk.
29. On the Martha radio call-in show, callers must pass a rigorous screening process testing their knowledge of sponges.
30. The sun never sets on her empire (at least, not without her permission).
31. And yet, she appears perfectly normal just looking at her.
32. The penalty for crumbs in her living room is death by macramé.
33. Her New Year’s Resolution? More panache!
34. Every time she looks in a mirror, her reflection is busily making curtains.
35. If you feed her after midnight, she turns brutally violent.
36. If you get water on her, she multiplies like mad.
37. Martha Stewart is currently portrayed by three-time Emmy-winner Tyne Daly.
38. Hummingbirds get tired watching her.
39. If you could bottle her, you’d end up smushing her in a tiny jar or just plain suffocating her.
40. In trailer parks across the land, “Martha who?”
41. When she appears onstage in “The New New Odd Couple,” Tony Randall’s the slob.
42. Maiden name? Busybody.
43. Fans usually greet her with “You’re much scarier in person.”
44. Domestic bliss is the disease; Martha’s the cure.
45. Those guys from the X Files haven’t solved her … yet.
46. She uses focus groups to determine the best way to sell toxic waste recycled into seashell soaps.
47. She just loves to fiddle.
48. “Gee, what are we going to do tonight, Martha?” “The same thing we do every night: Try to take over the world.”
49. She’s kinda sensitive about the whole “needing to eat at least once a week” thing.
50. In French Guiana, she’s our ambassador of cutlery.
51. Question: Why climb a mountain?
52. Standard answer: “Because it’s there.”
53. Martha’s answer: “Because you can do it in three steps. First, we’ll make some petons out of old horseshoes …”
54. Her line of perfume? Eau d’Epoxy.
55. Team of scientists at Martha Stewart Labs looking for way to clone her using ordinary household items.
56. If they succeed, it will mean an end to wearing stripes with polka dots.
57. Each clone will be assigned to a family to “manage” household affairs.
58. Within a decade, mankind will have evolved to a new level of harmony and understanding.
59. And then, all the Martha clones will tour in a new production of “A Chorus Line.”
60. Whenever you ask her “My house or your house?” the answer’s always “My house.”
61. (sobbing) “Make her stop!”
62. Even when you fantasize about her, she’s bossy.
63. Every night it’s the same: Make cocoon, sleep three hours, eat cocoon.
64. If the Pope ever excommunicated her, there’d be a schism the size of Jersey!
65. Wasn’t Martha the one who took on Godzilla awhile back?
66. She exists at a cruising altitude of 2 cm off the ground.
67. Her parents made her play house all the time.
68. Her teachers admired the way she kept order in the classroom when they couldn’t.
69. Like Kathie Lee Gifford, but annoying in her own special way.
70. Burnt muffins are her Kryptonite.
71. One too many mai-tais and she’s off re-tarring the roof!
72. “Martha’s Place,” a new sitcom where the moral is “surrender now.”
73. If she ever snapped, who could tell?
74. Martha Stewart Dessert Topping: It’s also a floor wax.
75. Martha Stewart Power Sander: Now available in taupe.
76. Martha Stewart Toothpaste: Mint, blackberry, and chutney flavors.
77. Martha Stewart Batteries: Not available without a license.
78. Martha Stewart Stealth Bomber: If you’re gonna bomb ’em, bomb ’em with flair.
79. At Martha Stewart University, you can major in political science with a minor in the loom. (“The minor in the loom, the minor in the loom, heigho! the derry oh, the minor in the loom.”)
80. Intensity, thy name is Martha.
81. Giggles uncontrollably at lesser beings.
82. Chanting “Martha” as a mantra brings a quiet spirituality, not unlike that of ramming your head repeatedly into a spiky brick wall.
83. If she and Richard Simmons ever had a child …
84. When camping, decorates tent better than most folks decorate their living rooms.
85. Secret Service code name? Potholders.
86. What these kids don’t understand is that no one’s loved and lost like Martha has.
87. She eats lazy slobs like you for breakfast (but only if you’re a lazy slob high in energy, low in cholesterol).
88. Do you get the feeling she didn’t get a pony as a child?
89. Home, sweat home.
90. “Martha Stewart: The Movie,” starring Jim Carrey in a blonde wig.
91. Could run the government with one eye closed.
92. Can’t spell “Stewart” without “wart.”
93. In past lives, she was a food editor, a roadie for Kiss, and a sorority chaplain.
94. In future lives, she’s already made reservations to be a bartender, a terrorist, and a yak trader.
95. The army wouldn’t take her: “too” gung ho.
96. Her hobbies include darning socks, backgammon, and raking in gobs of money.
97. You must “be” the dust bunny.
98. She once dug a swimming pool in her back yard using only a bucket and spork.
99. She’s actually a cyborg sent from another galaxy to craft us into submission.
100. In case of ATF members, all followers are instructed to knit on sight.
101. Her way or the highway.

Wade wrote Mojo Nixon’s hit song, “Stuffin’ Martha’s Muffin.”

Posted: Monday, November 14, 2005, 9:12 pm, in Wade's 101.
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