Wade on Birmingham

The Future of Birmingham: 101


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The Future of Birmingham

  1. Hipsters forced to sit in the back of the (solar-powered) (karaoke) bus.
  2. Automated city council pay raises with compounded interest.
  3. Newspaper printed three times a month on super-secret schedule.
  4. CrossPlex holds IronTribe CrossFit Games; nerds hide in basements.
  5. Drivers use bike lanes as intended … “emergency” parking.
  6. Barbecue-flavored craft beer.
  7. And deep-fried gourmet popsicles.
  8. And throwed trolls.
  9. Our inevitable annexation by Atlanta.
  10. City lands not one but two NFL franchises fleeing gently used stadiums.
  11. UAB football team disbanded for second time, during winning drive of national championship game.
  12. Vulcan gets a tattoo!
  13. No more toxic dumps — cancer injected directly into North Birmingham residents.
  14. Farm-to-table movement grows crops directly in dirt pile on your dinner plate.
  15. Newly rebuilt I-20/59 collapses after looters strip it for copper wiring.
  16. Illegal immigrants escape impoverished Hoover to sneak into the land of promise, McCalla.
  17. Nightly races between Taco, Hot Dog and recently out-of-work Finebaum. (Spoiler: Finebaum cheats.)
  18. As Millennials turn 30, indicated by flashing crystals in their hands, they come to Boutwell for the renewal of Carousel.
  19. The Combloggerator Matrix comes online, mercilessly assimilating all posts and bloggers.
  20. The new Publix? All bread and milk.
  21. The new Trader Joe’s? Speculoos Cookie Mayo.
  22. Fusion-powered Bank for Savings rooftop sign visible from space.
  23. MTV arrives to film an episode of “Pimp My Airport.”
  24. New sport diathlon from combining firing ranges and trampoline parks.
  25. Bessemer revolts, dumping sweet tea into Alabama Splash Adventure.
  26. Airwaves ruled by wacky morning team of Barkley and Bubba.
  27. The gUber app: Users get rides from ’82 Camaros with flame decals (seat belts and airbags optional).
  28. Tiny trailers infest Homewood … with cuteness!
  29. Schools sort children into bins: Soylent Green, Soylent Teriyaki, Soylent Gluten-Free.
  30. St. Paul and the Nicely Mended Bones, thanks to rehab at UAB Hospital.
  31. “Welcome to the Courteney Cox-Kwon Museum and Muffler Shop!”
  32. Everyone lives in at least two condos and parks in their living rooms.
  33. The zoo’s biggest attraction? Man!!!
  34. Advanced parking meters simply explode at random.
  35. A lone survivor crosses the food desert in search of rhubarb.
  36. Self-driving city buses take payment in cash, tokens and stray animals.
  37. Prize2theFuture … ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!
  38. In Trussville, you’re either eastern Walmart or western Walmart.
  39. Loudspeakers from every corner blare sports talk radio nonstop.
  40. “The Walking Dead,” but with fatter, slower zombies.
  41. Drone delivery of tacos is a thing. Like, straight to your greedy tacohole.
  42. City flag? Magician’s hat with a dead rabbit.
  43. City mascot? Diabetes.
  44. Bus terminal smell upgraded to “uptown funk.”
  45. Steel plants converted into discotheques.
  46. Segregation limited to humans, cyborgs and robots.
  47. We finally land a car factory. It’s for the Kia Mucus.
  48. #HashtagCity
  49. (No, seriously. That’s our new nickname.)
  50. Water/sewer bills in convenient podcast form.
  51. Kiddieland reopened to genetically engineered dinosaurs that can never ever go berserk and devour their human masters.
  52. Meat and four, baby.
  53. (The four are also meats.)
  54. Montgomery takes Birmingham’s lunch money, holds the city upside-down over a toilet.
  55. Mayoral debates via Dubsmash.
  56. Quantum technology allows pork to be simultaneously chopped and sliced.
  57. Some dissension over 50-foot Larry Langford bronze statue in Linn Park.
  58. Cyber attack exposes everyone’s real names from al.com usernames.
  59. The World Games never leaves. IT NEVER LEAVES.
  60. Secret NASCAR races inside Century Plaza.
  61. Pop-up eating contests.
  62. Baptists now greet each other at the liquor store and the strip club.
  63. Richard Scrushy holds city hostage with a mustache ray and taunts a helpless public.
  64. Lacrosse, but with balled-up copperheads.
  65. Prominent websites continue to include Birmingham in Top 10 lists, but only ironically.
  66. The Barons move to Mt. Olive.
  67. Giuseppe Moretti LXXXIII discovers the remains of the tiny Statue of Liberty and the horrifying origin of the City of the Apes.
  68. Rectal vaping not only encouraged but mandatory.
  69. Annual city budget is one part speed traps, one part business licenses, one part GoFundMe campaign.
  70. Dome built in wrong shape.
  71. The final phase of gentrification goes perfectly, as every house in Birmingham costs at least $500,000.
  72. The Regions Park Supermax Correctional Facility.
  73. Megachurches become sentient, overcharge for coffee.
  74. Birmingham Bowl played to the death, as per ESPN rules.
  75. Public spaces: dog park, cat park, skateboard park, hoverboard park, Confederate dog park, sacred Indian burial ground park.
  76. Everyone finishes the new Metric Mercedes Marathon, a bracing 26.2 meters.
  77. Clone of Lou Wooster saves city after Ebola epidemic.
  78. Elevated 280 barely used by hover cars.
  79. Paying sales tax requires installment plan.
  80. One-way streets all head north-northeast.
  81. Mountain Brook grows clones each fall for fresh harvest of domestic servants.
  82. The last locally owned company does, in fact, turn off the lights.
  83. GMOs hold Pepper Place hostage.
  84. Thanks to stern billboards, human trafficking down 70 percent.
  85. Everything is as Sun Ra predicted.
  86. By the light of the full moon, Condoleezza stalks the city streets, a grim avenger of the night.
  87. The Second Life version of Birmingham suffers from clone flight.
  88. Graffiti king Moist becomes artist laureate.
  89. We feed the poor feral cats.
  90. Correction: We feed the poor to feral cats.
  91. A revitalized Ensley still only one-third full.
  92. Trains merely slow down at station, as passengers expected to hop off and on quickly.
  93. Bonnaroo juggernaut leaves our festivals with drummer from Blink-182 plus Kenny Chesney.
  94. County bankruptcy paid off, but debt collectors keep calling at all hours.
  95. School days and sporting events begin with civic anthem, “Do I Make You Proud?”
  96. Civil Rights Heritage Trail selfie stations.
  97. Police body cam footage powers entire season of “Cops” and “The First 48.”
  98. Plasma force fields shield buildings from tornadoes, debris and other outside agitators.
  99. Home schooling expanded to home churching, home sporting.
  100. Upon sudden impact, cars equipped to deploy business cards for Alexander Shunnarah.
  101. Red Mountain renamed Peak Birmingham.

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The Future of BirminghamEssays from other contributors are available in the free ebook, “The Future of Birmingham.”

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2 Yips for “The Future of Birmingham: 101”

  1. Chris Davis
    Friday, September 18, 2015, 7:18 am

    It’s a bright and terrifying future! I can’t wait! Great list!

  2. Wade Kwon
    Friday, September 18, 2015, 1:13 pm

    Thanks, Chris! 🙂

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