Wade’s 101: Funny about love

By Wade Kwon

Find that special someone
1. Direct marketing: “Have you seen me?”
2. Billboards look cheap; electronic billboards are classy.
3. Rent puppy. Meet singles in park. Let dog go free.
4. Bribe bartender to create new highly addictive drink named after you.
5. Craigslist, but only if you’re looking for serial killers with e-mail access.
6. Hire street team to build buzz on your smile, grooming.
7. Hack into freeway signs: “Warning: Hottie ahead.”
8. Invest in trendy Iraqi mail-order bride.
9. Stalk, but don’t look desperate.
10. Bankruptcy hearing crashers.

21st-century chick flicks (titles translated from Chinese)
11. “Cute Couple Banters via Pneumatic Tube, Pinned Messages on Board”
12. “Homely Teen’s Unlikely Makeover”
13. “Prom Where Social Misfit Proclaims Undying Love for Popular Team Booster”
14. “Opposite Man, Woman Have Sex”
15. “Promiscuous Western Woman Bemoans Impending Spinsterhood”
16. “Shirtless Buxom Collegians Behave in Unchecked Dishonorable Fashion”
17. “Let Us Engage in Forbidden Relations, Cowboy Friend”
18. “We Shall Be Together for Eternity Despite My Unfortunate Terminal Illness”
19. “Our Lustful Dancing Is a Metaphor for Sexual Positions”
20. “Carefully Selected Actors Paid Handsomely for Inevitable Onscreen Romance”

Getting personal
21. “Bitter young woman looking for next so-called Mr. Right to use her, then dump her. No drugs.”
22. “Xbox freak seeks co-player who’s not better than him.”
23. “Impossibly attractive babe ISO your credit card number, bank account.”
24. “Day laborer ready to trade red roses for green card.”
25. “I love cats! Do you love cats? Aren’t they the bestest ever?”
26. “Closeted gentleman seeks discreet partner for meaningful glances, no touching.”
27. “Party girl ready to settle down with well-hungover guy.”
28. “Creepy older bachelor wants youngish pigtailed co-ed. Always.”
29. “Strong sista looking for a man. Un-huh, that’s right. Are you my man? You don’t look like my man. Hmmph.”
30. “Let’s run off to Vegas — but half-sies, 'kay?”

First-date horror stories
31. Stopping by the dog track to win enough money for dinner.
32. “I’m live-blogging this whole night!”
33. Wearing matching outfits, right down to the miniskirt and heels.
34. The camera adds 10 pounds, but apparently Match.com subtracts 100 pounds.
35. Not only does he live with his parents, he goes on double dates with them.
36. You don’t get a rose, while your eggs are rotting.
37. He’s a millionaire all right, a Confederate money millionaire.
38. Turns out, you were both lying about your gender.
39. Every other. (ring) Sentence is. (ring) Interrupted by. (ring) His cell. (ring) Phone.
40. Doesn’t bother to sell you into sex slavery because “you’re too judgmental.”

Nicknames to avoid
41. Tinky Winky
42. Condi Wondi
43. My Little Scientologist
44. Love Monkey
45. Vulcan Butt
46. Future Ex
47. Tipsy McStumbles
48. The Plaintiff
49. Ragin’ Agin’
50. Mommy

Insta-counseling
51. Just because he doesn’t want to commit doesn’t mean he isn’t also selfish and boring.
52. She just doesn’t get you. Hell, who does?
53. Ask your inner child. Ask him to stop crying before I really give him something to cry about.
54. And how does that make you feel? (repeat until hour’s up)
55. Tell me everything he does wrong in bed and how I can personally fix it.
56. So far, you’re winning, but only because he stopped to have a nervous breakdown.
57. Look at this inkblot. Does it make you hot?
58. Have you tried shacking down?
59. Why can’t you two be more like the other couples in group therapy? No, not this group — the non-crazy ones.
60. Look into each others’ eyes, while I rummage through your purse.

Hot reads
61. “Emotional Distance for Dummies”
62. “He’s Just Not Into You, But Your Sister …”
63. “The Kama Sutra Coloring Book”
64. “Hotter Guys in 30 Days”
65. “Seven Secrets of Highly Successful Sluts”
66. “Dr. Phil’s Guide to Doin’ the Nasty”
67. “Metrosexuals Are From Mars, Retrosexuals Are From Venus”
68. “Harry Potter and the Inappropriate Crush from 37-Year-Old Fans”
69. “The Da Vinci Code for Couples”
70. “You Can’t Do Any Better, So Deal”

Cupid: Wanted dead or alive
71. Promises scores of virgins if you do his bidding.
72. Shoots targets without warning.
73. Preaches love but uses force when necessary.
74. Looks totally gay.
75. Arrow tips show trace amounts of “roofies.”
76. Bow backup? A standard issue M-240 medium machine gun.
77. Recruits members through proclamations, brainwashing.
78. His father was a warmonger.
79. Yes, he packs hate arrows, too. (Look it up.)
80. Our only hope? Cynicism, the Kevlar of romance.

Lessons from celebrities
81. Relationship woes can always be blamed on the paparazzi.
82. Nothing says “I love you” like a million-dollar diamond ring.
83. You can marry anybody in England.
84. It’s not adultery; it’s African humanitarian work.
85. Just ask yourself: What would Xenu do?
86. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing in the tabloids.
87. It’s not a prenup; it’s a standard contractual rider.
88. Divorce is fleeting, but a murder acquittal is forever.
89. You’ll know it’s love when the fans and gossipers say so.
90. Even Oprah falls for a no-good liar every once in a while.

End of the line
91. Show me the money (you stole from me).
92. She’s even faking it during your screaming matches.
93. Your real forbidden love? Nightly three-ways with Ben and Jerry.
94. You complete(ly annoy) me.
95. She wants to move in; he wants the total destruction of her homeland.
96. Even the TiVo is crying because “mommy and daddy are fighting.”
97. Help me to help you (move out).
98. He smokes the meth faster than you can make it.
99. Love apparently also means never having to say, “I borrowed your toothbrush.”
100. You had me hell(o).

Thank goodness for …
101. Porn and/or chocolate.

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