1. have holly jolly kwanzaa
   The shops are abuzz
   with bargain hunts and a few
   unhappy returns.
2. bargain has-bin
   Crazy deep discounts
   drive shoppers wild with armfuls
   of clearance goodies.
3. empty gaze
   Vacant stares greet my
   eyes from all points, including
   my own reflection.

(more…)

1. keeping hope alive
   When will the next great
   leader step forward and drag
   us into the light?
2. diplomatic tide
   Citizens of the
   world find their way to the hills
   of Alabama.
3. are you smarter than a mayoral candidate?
   Forum sheds little
   light on dark reality
   of city’s problems.

(more…)

1. techno chronic
   Simplest of gadgets
   baffles smartest of humans.
   Time to reboot life.
2. stage 6 (2007)
   Vault isn’t a real
   event, just a sponsor of
   Dance Depot dwelling.
    
   Take the floor as two.
   Swing your partner round and round.
   So much fun you sweat.
3. stage 5 (2007)
   Festival for kids?
   But they’re small and can’t afford
   Publix shopping. Yet.

(more…)

1. galactic top
   Each twinkle in sky
   orbits other twinkles in
   cosmic whirligig.
2. whoa whoa whoa
   I’ve often wondered
   about horses. But not in
   a sexual way.
3. twenty-eight days later
   Short month still leaves too
   much undone. Need petition
   for new, longer day.

(more…)

1. could be verse
   Real poems have lines
   like “somber remembrance” and
   “enchanted embrace.”
2. breaking point
   Ultimate test of
   customer service: Can you
   give me change for 10?
3. overheard while shoplifting
   If you think that’s bad,
   wait until you hear about
   my other gallstone.

(more…)

1. I know that of which I speak.
2. Let’s face it: Tis better to have loved and won.
3. Now is the winter of our dysfunction.
4. If you love someone, set them… up?
5. I laugh in the face of commitment.
6. Some call me the gangster of love (and I’ve ordered a hit on Cupid).
7. Bad question: Who are you, and what are you doing in my bed?
8. Worse question: Who are you, and what are you doing in my pants?
9. I may be cheap, but I’m also easy.
10. Today’s mantra: shoulda seen it comin’, shoulda seen it comin’, shoulda seen it comin’…

(more…)

1. Houndstooth jockstrap.
2. Find a way to bring back the Statue of Liberty play.
3. Trademark motivational bumper sticker, “Get thee behind me, Saban!”
4. Get sweet tattoo of Big Al …
5. … and get that stupid “Dolphins Forever” tattoo lasered off.
6. Recruit large impressionable teens to beat the holy hell out of other large impressionable teens for 12 or so Saturdays.
7. Paunch it up with steady diet of Golden Flake and Coca-Cola.
8. Give 110 percent. Take the team to the next level. Play with intensity.
9. Finally, finally splurge on premium unleaded gas.
10. Walk on water. Then turn water into dirty, well-trod wine.

(more…)

1. diner’s choice
   Tell me all about
   
the specials, and bring me an
   
appetizing dish.
    
2. snakes off a plane
   World holds its breath as
   
terror almost strikes again.

   Calamity? Tamed.
    
3. noon shall pass
   Choice at lunchtime is
   
extracubicular jaunt
   
or eating at desk.
    

(more…)

Then
1. Fear of turbans.
2. Fear of white powder.
3. Fear of Osama.
4. Fear of speaking out.
5. Fear of uber-jingoistic country anthems.
6. Fear of yellow cake and aluminum tubes.
7. Fear of knowing too little.
8. Fear of sharing too much.
9. When is it OK to laugh?
10. When is it OK to stop crying?
(more…)

1. drops on in
   Flowers are coming
   thanks to these passing showers
   that soak up the sun.
    
2. uno de mayo
   Workers’ holiday
   marks birth of eight-hour day.
   Almost quittin’ time?
    
3. señor suave visits the patio
   Older gent puffs on
   cigarette and borrowed time,
   with stylish mustasche.
    

(more…)

1. Baptists battle for who will lead them back into wilderness
2. Cops to promote “Puppies for Guns” trade
3. Bus survey arrives late, refuses answers not written on exact change
4. Bureaucrats take extra-long smoke break to make up for late arrival
5. Out-of-work teachers, bankers form long bread line
6. Remodeled restaurant still smells like fried ham
7. Over-the-mountain mayors vow to form ‘kick-ass’ garage band
8. Minor leaguers need seasoning in steroid abuse
9. Brighton mom still ‘phoning it in’ on dinner prep
10. Trussville embraces cultural diversity of Purple Onion

(more…)

1. Still has to hold down a day job.
2. Able to leap tall blondes in a single bound.
3. You try getting hazard insurance for Fortress of Solitude.
4. Easier to clean own suits thanks to Dry-El.
5. Spent last five years hunting predators on MySpace.
6. Batman: cool car, gadgets galore.

   Superman: tiny apartment at $2,000/month and a hot plate.

7. Now fights for truth, justice and red states.
8. Still refuses to answer questions about alleged steroid abuse.
9. What’s on his iPod? Gnarls Barkley, Nelly Furtado, Kryptonian chants and dance remixes at supersonic levels.
10. Is two subs away from a free sandwich.

(more…)

1. Debating “X-Men 3” vs. “Da Vinci”: Who would win, Wolverine or Jesus?
2. Last year: sucking ozone. This year: ozone enemas.
3. Fainting, for dramatic purposes only.
4. Scouring Facebook.com for psycho rants.
5. Missing a kidney.
6. Undermining the new committee chairman.
7. Sending the kids to Border Patrol Camp.
8. Swimming secretly in neighbor’s pool.
9. Peeing secretly in neighbor’s pool.
10. “Tiara Girls” marathon!!

(more…)

1. age of reason
   Passage of time brings
   us one step closer to death.
   At least we have cake.

2. when needles attack
   Nurse hunts for shy vein.
   Don’t make me watch don’t make me–
   I’m … going … to … faint.

3. on the menu
   Sparkling wine, chatter,
   various dead plants, creatures.
   It’s what’s for dinner.

(more…)

1040 follies
1. File on time or pay a penalty.
2. File on time and pay a penalty.
3. Check here to donate $1 to starving presidential candidates.
4. Occupation: wage slave.
5. Filing status: bitchy, broke.
6. Dependents: cat, cat, plant, cat.
7. Where it asks if you want to be audited, circle “No.”
8. Meth lab income: Attach Form 23646.
9. Make sure your W-2 has enough zeros.
10. If you’d like to receive special offers and promotions, check here.
(more…)