Archive for 'Wade's 101'
Friday, April 4th, 2008
- have holly jolly kwanzaa
The shops are abuzz
with bargain hunts and a few
unhappy returns.
- bargain has-bin
Crazy deep discounts
drive shoppers wild with armfuls
of clearance goodies.
- empty gaze
Vacant stares greet my
eyes from all points, including
my own reflection.
(more…)
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Tuesday, December 25th, 2007
- keeping hope alive
When will the next great
leader step forward and drag
us into the light?
- diplomatic tide
Citizens of the
world find their way to the hills
of Alabama.
- are you smarter than a mayoral candidate?
Forum sheds little
light on dark reality
of city’s problems.
(more…)
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Monday, September 17th, 2007
- techno chronic
Simplest of gadgets
baffles smartest of humans.
Time to reboot life.
- stage 6 (2007)
Vault isn’t a real
event, just a sponsor of
Dance Depot dwelling.
Take the floor as two.
Swing your partner round and round.
So much fun you sweat.
- stage 5 (2007)
Festival for kids?
But they’re small and can’t afford
Publix shopping. Yet.
(more…)
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Wednesday, June 6th, 2007
- galactic top
Each twinkle in sky
orbits other twinkles in
cosmic whirligig.
- whoa whoa whoa
I’ve often wondered
about horses. But not in
a sexual way.
- twenty-eight days later
Short month still leaves too
much undone. Need petition
for new, longer day.
(more…)
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Sunday, February 25th, 2007
- could be verse
Real poems have lines
like “somber remembrance” and
“enchanted embrace.”
- breaking point
Ultimate test of
customer service: Can you
give me change for 10?
- overheard while shoplifting
If you think that’s bad,
wait until you hear about
my other gallstone.
(more…)
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Sunday, February 11th, 2007
- I know that of which I speak.
- Let’s face it: Tis better to have loved and won.
- Now is the winter of our dysfunction.
- If you love someone, set them… up?
- I laugh in the face of commitment.
- Some call me the gangster of love (and I’ve ordered a hit on Cupid).
- Bad question: Who are you, and what are you doing in my bed?
- Worse question: Who are you, and what are you doing in my pants?
- I may be cheap, but I’m also easy.
- Today’s mantra: shoulda seen it comin’, shoulda seen it comin’, shoulda seen it comin’…
(more…)
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Friday, January 5th, 2007
- Houndstooth jockstrap.
- Find a way to bring back the Statue of Liberty play.
- Trademark motivational bumper sticker, “Get thee behind me, Saban!”
- Get sweet tattoo of Big Al …
- … and get that stupid “Dolphins Forever” tattoo lasered off.
- Recruit large impressionable teens to beat the holy hell out of other large impressionable teens for 12 or so Saturdays.
- Paunch it up with steady diet of Golden Flake and Coca-Cola.
- Give 110 percent. Take the team to the next level. Play with intensity.
- Finally, finally splurge on premium unleaded gas.
- Walk on water. Then turn water into dirty, well-trod wine.
(more…)
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Friday, November 17th, 2006
- diner’s choice
Tell me all about
the specials, and bring me an
appetizing dish.
- snakes off a plane
World holds its breath as
terror almost strikes again.
Calamity? Tamed.
- noon shall pass
Choice at lunchtime is
extracubicular jaunt
or eating at desk.
(more…)
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Monday, September 11th, 2006
Then
1. Fear of turbans.
2. Fear of white powder.
3. Fear of Osama.
4. Fear of speaking out.
5. Fear of uber-jingoistic country anthems.
6. Fear of yellow cake and aluminum tubes.
7. Fear of knowing too little.
8. Fear of sharing too much.
9. When is it OK to laugh?
10. When is it OK to stop crying?
(more…)
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Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
- drops on in
Flowers are coming
thanks to these passing showers
that soak up the sun.
- uno de mayo
Workers’ holiday
marks birth of eight-hour day.
Almost quittin’ time?
- señor suave visits the patio
Older gent puffs on
cigarette and borrowed time,
with stylish mustasche.
(more…)
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Friday, July 14th, 2006
- Baptists battle for who will lead them back into wilderness
- Cops to promote “Puppies for Guns” trade
- Bus survey arrives late, refuses answers not written on exact change
- Bureaucrats take extra-long smoke break to make up for late arrival
- Out-of-work teachers, bankers form long bread line
- Remodeled restaurant still smells like fried ham
- Over-the-mountain mayors vow to form ‘kick-ass’ garage band
- Minor leaguers need seasoning in steroid abuse
- Brighton mom still ‘phoning it in’ on dinner prep
- Trussville embraces cultural diversity of Purple Onion
(more…)
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Tuesday, June 27th, 2006
- Still has to hold down a day job.
- Able to leap tall blondes in a single bound.
- You try getting hazard insurance for Fortress of Solitude.
- Easier to clean own suits thanks to Dry-El.
- Spent last five years hunting predators on MySpace.
- Batman: cool car, gadgets galore.
Superman: tiny apartment at $2,000/month and a hot plate.
- Now fights for truth, justice and red states.
- Still refuses to answer questions about alleged steroid abuse.
- What’s on his iPod? Gnarls Barkley, Nelly Furtado, Kryptonian chants and dance remixes at supersonic levels.
- Is two subs away from a free sandwich.
(more…)
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Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
- Debating “X-Men 3” vs. “Da Vinci”: Who would win, Wolverine or Jesus?
- Last year: sucking ozone. This year: ozone enemas.
- Fainting, for dramatic purposes only.
- Scouring Facebook.com for psycho rants.
- Missing a kidney.
- Undermining the new committee chairman.
- Sending the kids to Border Patrol Camp.
- Swimming secretly in neighbor’s pool.
- Peeing secretly in neighbor’s pool.
- “Tiara Girls” marathon!!
(more…)
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Saturday, April 29th, 2006
- age of reason
Passage of time brings
us one step closer to death.
At least we have cake.
- when needles attack
Nurse hunts for shy vein.
Don’t make me watch don’t make me–
I’m … going … to … faint.
- on the menu
Sparkling wine, chatter,
various dead plants, creatures.
It’s what’s for dinner.
(more…)
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Monday, April 17th, 2006
1040 follies
1. File on time or pay a penalty.
2. File on time and pay a penalty.
3. Check here to donate $1 to starving presidential candidates.
4. Occupation: wage slave.
5. Filing status: bitchy, broke.
6. Dependents: cat, cat, plant, cat.
7. Where it asks if you want to be audited, circle “No.”
8. Meth lab income: Attach Form 23646.
9. Make sure your W-2 has enough zeros.
10. If you’d like to receive special offers and promotions, check here.
(more…)
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