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Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 49

Thursday, May 2nd, 2019

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  1. drives of fancy
    They shut the highways
    down to rebuild. If only
    hovercars swooped in …
  2. cotton candy snickers
    Every candy has
    a set of improbable
    flavors to stump tongues.
  3. the struggle is fake
    No victims but me.
    No truth but my talking heads.
    No vengeance but mine.
  4. a swamp to call one’s own
    Turf gives way to mush
    as rainy season brings a
    never ending soak.
  5. in the foothills of appalachia
    A remarkable
    city teeming with magic
    and nothing to lose.
  6. do i dare eat a peach?
    We fail to reckon
    what we put in motion with
    choices, abstentions.
  7. the three kinds of happiness
    Holding a kitten.
    Finishing a marathon.
    And eating ice cream.
  8. snow dance
    Trudge in a circle
    around empty milk cartons
    while shaking textbooks.
  9. junk in the junk
    A place to store junk.
    A place to pick up bought junk.
    A place to junk junk.
  10. the broken parts of the library
    The heat and AC,
    the escalators, leaky
    ceilings, sewage flow.
  11. ghost of writings past
    Struck hard by a muse,
    the words flowed with grace and ease
    till they came up dry.
  12. common bore
    They teach to the test,
    the test that measures how well
    students fill bubbles.
  13. yada yada yada
    Ten years of tweeting
    gets you a dumb hashtag and
    some aching fingers.
  14. pro-creation
    Stop buying and start
    making. Imagination
    fuels the best presents.
  15. the not me theory of achievement
    To motivate folks,
    “Well, someone’s gotta do it.”
    History is made.
  16. to sleep, and sleep some more
    The snooze button is
    a mere suggestion. Fatigue
    is the only clock.
  17. inner growth
    It is not enough
    to claim our past misdeeds but
    to learn from them, too.
  18. affirmative reaction
    A yearbook full of
    bimbos wearing blackface who
    grow up to be pols.
  19. inside the industry
    Surly manager
    barks at servers, customers
    to spread her bad cheer.
  20. books not yet on tape
    The narrator sits
    in the booth surrounded by
    ghosts of characters.
  21. contentment on demand
    No button on the
    remote can scare up what we
    demand in our souls.
  22. the re-evolution of language
    More tech, more letters
    and emoji for more weird
    acronyms, hashtags.
  23. confession is good for the soul
    Let us lay bare our
    foibles and weaknesses to
    grow stronger for it.
  24. affection disorder
    Love (remarkable
    and unremarkable) fills
    the world with splendor.
  25. gratitude day 0
    Let me recall the
    ways my life is very good
    when times are rotten.
  26. with liberty and gaping wounds for all
    I pledge allegiance
    to the gun, to the lobby
    for which it adores …
  27. a most comfortable rut
    The status quo so
    ordinary it defies
    extremes and insights.
  28. shortcuts to culinary mastery
    Is it cooking to
    assemble a meal kit? Or
    to microwave stuff?
  29. papy r us
    It’s a paperless
    world till you write a check, send
    a letter, swat flies.
  30. soggy state of affairs
    The scorched earth has drowned
    in weeks of rainfall. The skies
    will show no mercy.
  31. the cookie fairy
    Boxes of delight
    and sugar fly to the door
    steps of those who dream.
  32. beyond the bible and pilgrim’s progress
    No one can be bored.
    No one should be bored. We live
    in this peak culture.
  33. state of the union
    Corruption upon
    corruption, lie upon lie,
    so much truth to find.
  34. oscar sunday
    Check on the limo,
    squeeze into impossibly
    tight dress, wave to fans.
  35. the new shorthand
    Let us trade our thoughts
    in acronyms and smileys,
    hashtags and selfies.
  36. mineshaft means
    Work in the dark. Breathe
    in the dark. Go home in the
    dark. Die in the dark.
  37. living dead metropolis
    Smashed parking meters,
    burnt shells of houses, rubble
    roads, murderous wolves.
  38. rip western
    A grocer made his
    way through growing pains and tough
    times, feeding us all.
  39. water worked
    The best tear-jerkers
    bring joy then sadness, hope then
    hopelessness. Then hope.
  40. a most imperfect impression
    What do we remem-
    ber? What do we recall with-
    out flubbing details?
  41. the promise of a park
    Where once rubble could
    emerge a green space. Instead,
    a new interstate.
  42. say it with gifs
    Silent cartoons that
    pop with personality
    on screens big and small.
  43. look higher
    If an employee
    fails, check out his boss. If a
    child errs, probe parents.
  44. the harm from words
    The testimony
    of the oppressed yields tears and
    yawns from oppressors.
  45. common senses
    An outlook shaped by
    media and moms, values
    and voices. We think.
  46. at the end of her trope
    She swooned at the ball.
    She waited helplessly for
    him. She cried and cried.
  47. verbing weirds language
    Real adults know that
    “adulting” is not a word.
    So very childish.
  48. revisionist reality
    What was history
    becomes modern trauma when
    the facts are questioned.
  49. strip mining for data
    A soul laid bare for
    computers to harvest our
    tastes, sins and secrets.
  50. how ai wins
    They will not need to
    own us, just impersonate
    our online presence.
  51. fitzgerald and me
    Let me tell you a-
    bout the very rich. They are
    different from you.
  52. beyond trauma
    When surviving is
    no longer the most urgent,
    take some time to heal.
  53. all the broken happy ever afters
    What about us? What
    about all the times you said
    you had the answers?
  54. the hatred behind closed doors
    Teens say the word and
    giggle. They learned it from their
    community clans.
  55. an eternity and a day
    Life’s too short. Or is
    it too long? Depends on which
    end you’re living in.
  56. library of regress
    Leaky ceilings and
    broken escalators in
    the home of our books.
  57. wagers of sin
    Always bet on your-
    self. Unless you suffer from
    a gambling problem.
  58. season’s greetings
    Warm thoughts turn to warm
    days, warm ways. Rejoice in the
    demise of winter.
  59. snooze and snooze again
    Just five more minutes.
    Hide under the covers till
    reality wins.
  60. work of the past, work of the future
    Hard labor to desk
    jobs to lives of uselessness
    in front of bright screens.
  61. the classics
    Where titans conquer
    and peasants falter, where man
    meets himself and weeps.
  62. the great gatsby
    Self-made man worships
    ritzy ditzy blonde, felled by
    American dream.
  63. a portrait of the artist as a young man
    Coming of age in
    Dublin, straying from and to
    the Church, a soul freed.
  64. the chronicles of narnia
    Seven books proclaim
    loudly: Have you heard the Good
    News about Aslan?
  65. moby dick
    Like “The Old Man and
    the Sea,” but with a bigger
    fish, meaner captain.
  66. the passing of the family dog
    He begged for scraps, dug
    up the yard, chewed on shoes. And
    will be sorely missed.
  67. 1984
    Winston smoked out by
    police. Oceania
    wages war on truth.
  68. fahrenheit 451
    Books make good kindling.
    Fear the written word, but not
    the flames it brings forth.
  69. a song of ice and fire
    When you play the game
    of thrones, you win or you die.
    There’s no middle ground.
  70. trolling millions
    You can fool a lot
    of the people a lot of
    the time with Facebook.
  71. watching hoops on 11 screens
    With each basket, the
    cheers grew louder, the drunks got
    drunker. Go, team, go.
  72. digging for ones and zeroes
    Tiny bots with no
    degrees dive deep into the
    data mines for days.
  73. not a name but a data point
    White, female, 30,
    Baptist, 5-foot-4, middle
    class, 110.
  74. more data points
    Shops at Target, hits
    yoga every Thursday, drives
    a black Explorer.
  75. data points in action
    Sell you this, at the
    right time, right size, right price, through
    manipulation.
  76. track and field
    Joggers and doggers,
    strollers and rollers, walkers
    and talkers go round.
  77. where new cars graze in place
    Shiny vehicles
    occupy every parking
    space and fire lane.
  78. the resurrection of the receiver
    All it took was a
    simple unplug and plug to
    bring it back to life.
  79. the forest, but not for long
    Groves of pines, maples
    and oaks sacrificed themselves
    for a new Marshalls.
  80. the soul-sucking news cycle
    Stay informed and go
    nuts vs. ignore it all:
    A false dilemma?
  81. rare catch
    Fish parts wrapped in rice
    and seaweed, with a little
    wasabi and soy.
  82. alexa is listening
    Jeff Bezos, you are
    eavesdropping on my private
    convo with my cat.
  83. regrets and remissions
    Sometimes, a money
    order is just as good as
    an apology.
  84. taxing situation
    Fill out the form, fill
    out the checkbook, look at the
    receipts, check the math.
  85. notre dame
    A majestic church
    where eyes turn heavenward and
    souls sing and rejoice.
  86. uncurrent currency
    Money orders, beads,
    barter, two-dollar bills, fine
    metals, shells, squirrel pelts.
  87. corneal implode
    Eyes burning with specks
    of pollen, stings of contacts,
    strains of tiny words.
  88. chicken coop co-op
    Poor possum. Trying
    to eat farm fresh, but cannot
    get to store on time.
  89. silence breeds creativity
    The golden sound of
    nothing yields a delight to
    ears and minds and hearts.
  90. the promise of easter
    Can we be reborn?
    Can we atone for sins and
    grow into new selves?
  91. leaves behind
    Trees shiver in their
    nakedness. How long before
    their new coat is done?
  92. the haunted rite-aid
    Aisles empty, lights on,
    ghosts of shoppers chit-chat with
    ghost of bored worker.
  93. the war over grass
    Puff puff pass. Send ’em
    all to prison to enrich
    the rich, slam the poor.
  94. the russians aren’t invited
    To our socials and
    our media, to our votes
    and our candidates.
  95. viva los measles
    Spotted tongue, spotted
    skin, spotty info, hot spots
    for bedded bodies.
  96. the heroes we deserve
    Enthralled by big screen
    spectacle made from comic
    book pages sprung to life.
  97. the worst seat in the house
    Stumbling around in
    darkness hitting stairs and rails
    sitting in a lap.
  98. quicksand of emotion
    Sinking ever so
    slowly into malaise and
    comforting sadness.
  99. what was once television’s provenance
    YouTube the teacher,
    the babysitter, the stealth
    corruptor, the void.
  100. spoiler phobia
    Don’t tell me about
    the show. No no no no no—
    dammit, tweet screwed me.
  101. comfort drink
    A shot, a beer, then
    three more shots and an IV
    drip of tequila.

• • •

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Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 48

Monday, January 21st, 2019

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  1. synaptic revolution
    The voice inside my
    head shouts at me (and others):
    “Fight, goddammit, fight!”
  2. the twilight of america
    Where once all (white) men
    were created equal, now
    they’re the master race.
  3. the best jazz comes from montana
    The best jazz comes from
    Montana, where the beats drop
    all around the clock.
  4. 400 characters or 4,000
    Just how long should a
    password be when companies
    get hacked anyway?
  5. voters of a certain age
    Young people don’t vote.
    Old people do. And make bad
    picks. Old people win.
  6. a holly jolly halloween
    Front yards aglow with
    inflatable ghosts and troupes
    of dancing pumpkins.
  7. and the shiny goes to
    All awards are trite
    and egoistic except
    for the ones I win.
  8. dressed to thrall
    A great costume sparks
    envy and awe among those
    stuck in basse couture.
  9. within one’s means
    The problem with a
    budget is window shopping
    becomes obsession.
  10. out of zany, one
    As long as we keep
    the old, the infirm, the odd
    out of sight, we’ll cope.
  11. the deep satisfaction of a cake maker
    Turning out layer
    after layer of golden
    baking perfection.
  12. a call to disarm
    Why fight when we can?
    Why fight when we can talk? Why
    fight when we can love?
  13. 4k 2bad
    Formats are higher
    in resolution but boast
    exact same plot holes.
  14. pumpkin spice infestation
    It seeps into your
    pores, turning you into a
    bright wack-o’-lantern.
  15. a dog when someone rings the doorbell
    Alert! Alert! A
    stranger is coming in. Let
    me sniff him and pounce.
  16. the loner at the patio bar
    The long drawn face tied
    to slumping shoulders. How life
    has beaten him down.
  17. at the corner of fourth and 18th
    No better way to
    meet people than at the scene
    of a big car crash.
  18. disguise discovery
    This mask we wear comes
    off but once a year to show
    the world our true selves.
  19. cuter looters
    At the door are quite
    a few short weirdos looking
    for candy to snatch.
  20. squiggles and sticks
    Each punctuation
    mark has a name. Who knows what
    they are period.
  21. retail ghost town
    The empty storefronts
    interrupted by a vape
    shop and boutique gym.
  22. the paycheck-to-paycheck stranglehold
    Ignore bill, ignore
    bill, pay a little, do with
    less, then start again.
  23. no campaigning within 30 feet
    With eager waves and
    greetings, they make a last-ditch
    effort to win votes.
  24. from all sides
    Tribalism takes
    its hold on the extremes and
    squeezes the middle.
  25. either/or
    A few hours of
    voting can transform the world
    for better or worse.
  26. all according to plan
    The frustration of
    being in control while not
    controlling a thing.
  27. down and out
    A broken man waits
    on the street for a wish that
    is never granted.
  28. a podcast a day
    History, local
    stuff, serial killers fill
    the ears and the minds.
  29. broken pen pals
    Accumulation
    on one side of messages,
    postcards and letters.
  30. veterans on parade
    Riding the floats and
    waving to throngs of grateful,
    proud Americans.
  31. hobo king
    He rules the rails with
    dignity, compassion for
    all who seek jobs, jaunts.
  32. the group text
    A thread of catty
    remarks and blackmail pics to
    keep everyone sane.
  33. first heard
    Voices. All distinct.
    The light above. Faint footsteps.
    Blood pumps in the ears.
  34. the text of undoing
    His motivation
    revealed itself in a few
    poorly chosen words.
  35. my other super power
    Picking the item
    at McDonald’s that they’re out
    of today only.
  36. the universe in its infinite diversity
    On other planets,
    do they see us? Do they want
    to talk? Or hide out?
  37. deep fried turkey
    The only thing deep-
    fried on Thanksgiving was the
    chef’s unlucky leg.
  38. back to shells and disks
    The chip is maybe
    secure except when thieves scan
    it in your wallet.
  39. the cycle of resistance
    Every day is a
    new fight. Can’t back down. Every
    day is a new fight.
  40. the airing of blessings
    Look for the people
    who make your life better to
    express gratitude.
  41. a guide to thanksgiving dinner
    Break bread and tell tales
    round the table. Share wisdom
    and promote world peace.
  42. 17 rhymes
    Cats hats rats bats tats
    mats gnats fats pats stats lats vats
    slats gats flats brats prats.
  43. quantify everything
    Count all the oaks, fish,
    gulls, rocks, cups, stars, cars, peaks, caves,
    kites, dawns, dunes, breaths, souls.
  44. a cost of free speech
    A hidden army
    vets obscene and bloody pics
    for our social play.
  45. cartoon obsession
    So much joy from a
    set of squiggly lines and a
    troupe of strong voices.
  46. beauty and wonder
    To gaze at the blue
    sky with an armada of
    clouds shaped like tacos.
  47. scribbling towards ecstasy
    It takes a little
    bit of practice each day to
    become a writer.
  48. radical acceptance
    This is our moment.
    Circumstances don’t matter.
    It is what it is.
  49. the coming frost
    Soon, the harvested
    fields make way for death, decay
    and the coming frost.
  50. climate charge
    Snowflakes in autumn.
    Has winter solstice become
    too commercialized?
  51. death at our own hands
    More see the only
    way out is through suicide.
    Hope has gone away.
  52. tinder, but for swingin’ kringles
    Those dying malls can’t
    support Santa’s gigs, but an
    app can summon him.
  53. everywhere but inside of the eyelids
    Tired, exhausted, worn
    out, run down, sleepy, tuckered
    out, zombified, dead.
  54. the holiday rush
    … three smashed cars, two wreck-
    er jobs and a traffic jam
    on the interstate.
  55. the surly server
    Her feet ache, her shifts
    go forever and her damn
    diners forget tips.
  56. rabble with a cause
    A protest is not
    to reach consensus, but to
    speak truth to power.
  57. the perks of being a working stiff
    Sleep comes easily
    to exhausted souls trying
    to remain afloat.
  58. space opera
    A musical on
    changing interstellar trade
    policy and droids.
  59. the baby says hi
    He toddles up to
    strangers to welcome them with
    no guise but kindness.
  60. the monsoon
    Whoever is still
    praying for rain, please stop else
    we drown on our land.
  61. choose patience
    The hurry-up-and-
    go method gives way to a
    moment for breathing.
  62. youtube radicalization
    Watch a video,
    then three more, then parrot back
    hateful talking points.
  63. songs and sweets
    A time for candy
    canes and mistletoe, thoughtful
    gifts and caroling.
  64. ai is my co-pilot
    The long road to self-
    driving cars will be littered
    with bodies and wrecks.
  65. forget hell
    I had a better
    verse in mind, but I didn’t
    write it down in time.
  66. held up at the north pole port of entry
    Santa may delay
    his journey to sort out some
    weird tariff issues.
  67. they’ve even infected this stanza
    The Russians spared no
    expense in bringing chaos
    to other nations.
  68. the gentleman in front of western
    A looping voice box
    lures busy shoppers to the
    wheelchair bodega.
  69. my bully
    You can’t damage me.
    In every aspect, I am
    my own worst bully.
  70. the touch of winter
    Dark days, darker nights,
    a biting cold coupled with
    peaceful lifelessness.
  71. the heart of contempt
    The fragile white male
    ego, a foul entity
    to behold, to know.
  72. sugar cookies and crocheted stockings
    The best thing about
    holiday traditions is
    making up new ones.
  73. showtime from the apollo
    They looked back upon
    the earth in awe at the small
    blue marble called home.
  74. bundle of hope
    A package, neatly
    wrapped, beneath the twinkling lights
    waiting for a child.
  75. brick and mortal
    No more bargain hunts.
    No more long return lines. Just
    click, wait, knock, it’s done.
  76. art as a commodity
    What color palette?
    What themes? Which artist’s style? What’s
    your spending limit?
  77. maybe next year
    Catch up on some sleep.
    Finish clearing the garage.
    Learn a new language.
  78. missing sense
    My dog has no nose!
    — Oh heavens, how does he smell?
    (A pause.) Just awful.
  79. unable to escape
    Who designed such a
    fiendish trap that would keep me
    so paralyzed? … … Me.
  80. in closing
    All good things must come
    to an end. Fortunately,
    all bad things as well.
  81. the beginning
    The road ahead is
    long, maybe dangerous and
    ready to traverse.
  82. home for the holi-half-day
    She drove night and day
    across states to be with her
    kids for 12 hours.
  83. a little rain
    A light breeze became
    a little rain. That never
    stopped. The world flooded.
  84. malodorous realm
    I bet the worst thing
    about eternity in
    hell is the odor.
  85. a year for setbacks and setforwards
    She delighted in
    her many resolutions,
    kept and otherwise.
  86. rah deal
    Students stopped going
    to games and settled for score
    updates on their phones.
  87. found in the mail
    The box of goods wound
    its way across the country
    by way of Japan.
  88. ballad of the porch pirate
    Before, burglars had
    to break inside. Now, they just
    swipe our packages.
  89. comparison is the thief of joy
    Cupcakes are fancy
    muffins. Hotels are taller
    motels. All is lost.
  90. where ideas come from
    A hidden part of
    the lizard brain that defies
    logic and reason.
  91. the moral lesson
    Not one to absorb
    but to put into practice
    over and over.
  92. everyone is overqualified
    We are good drivers,
    with above-average brains
    and perfect manners.
  93. the perfect crime
    Don’t cry because it’s
    over. Smile because you got
    away with something.
  94. calibration dish
    If they can’t make a
    good cashew chicken, then they
    won’t see me again.
  95. modern civics
    Grab all you can get.
    The ends justify the means.
    And also meanness.
  96. to-done list
    It can be somewhat
    satisfying to cross off
    items from ’16.
  97. conversations in the air
    Ambling down the street,
    chatting with distant friends through
    hidden earpieces.
  98. the heap down the street
    We all end up like
    so much junk on the curb, sent
    to oblivion.
  99. the new new fandom
    Love what you love, but
    not to the detriment of
    others’ enjoyment.
  100. writing a hit song
    Catchy tune with a
    memorable chorus, plus
    lots of tambourine.
  101. winter emergency survival kit
    Light the fire. Pour
    the wine. Stay inside. Cuddle
    under the blankets.

• • •

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Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 47

Friday, October 12th, 2018

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  1. the south shall fall again
    Why start a second
    civil war when we never
    finished the first one?
  2. sun strokes
    It is too hot to
    work, to hike, to drive, to sleep,
    to dine, to endure.
  3. less fun phone games
    How long will 7
    percent battery last? How
    bad is the screen cracked?
  4. gusts of nothing
    They may huff and puff
    and blow your house down, but they
    still can’t get to you.
  5. they plot, fear not
    Homophones and a
    gang of unslanted rhymes hatched
    their grand rhyming scheme.
  6. nature’s disown
    The drowning frog does
    not ask why, but curses the
    scorpion to death.
  7. bands and brands
    Jefferson Airplane,
    Jefferson Starship, Starship,
    and next version, Tar.
  8. peanut gallery 2.0
    Wander into the
    comments online and find the
    worst, best among us.
  9. blessed are the pedestrians
    The savior is on
    his way, requests you park in
    designated lots.
  10. another word for
    When the poem runs
    just one syllable too long:
    Thank you, thesaurus.
  11. the problem auteur
    Singular vision
    coupled with outdated views
    on equality.
  12. hyporationality
    Logic and reason
    aren’t the right weapons in a
    modern tête-à-tête.
  13. festival foe
    Lightning struck without
    hitting anything, sending
    fans to seek shelter.
  14. my drone army
    My drone army brings
    pizza, spies on neighbors, fights
    sparrows, drops flyers.
  15. the empty conveyances
    Buses run a few
    routes, an hour behind and
    sometimes broken down.
  16. the current
    Sedated patient
    receives small jolt to shock her
    out of depression.
  17. paparazzi safari
    Always shoot giraffes
    in portrait mode because it
    makes them look slimmer.
  18. bless your countings
    Humility can
    be one of the greatest traits
    hidden inside us.
  19. blinded by the humidity
    Escaping the ice
    cold interior to a
    foggy glasses world.
  20. partial to cloudy
    I’ve fallen in love
    with the sky and her wondrous
    ever-changing moods.
  21. how much flair for a mcbot
    The kiosk never
    said hi or made eye contact,
    just took meal orders.
  22. gustatory grid
    He took his dining
    seriously, charting strengths,
    specialties and price.
  23. the acquisition
    A have not having
    is a blessing in the form
    of pure gratitude.
  24. too many apples, too many days
    Take vitamins A
    through Z with a dose of in-
    essential oil.
  25. murphy’s tribe
    The baseball legend
    reveled in his family,
    always at home plate.
  26. as seen onscreen
    Documentaries
    revel in small details that
    happen to be true.
  27. off to never never land
    Nightmare fuel is made
    of spiders, shadows and loud
    noises from nowhere.
  28. renal field trip
    She gave away a
    spare kidney to save a sick
    stranger from demise.
  29. and ice cream and curtains
    Sometimes, summer is
    about hiding inside with
    AC and cold drank.
  30. infinitesimal progress
    The very first step
    is always the hardest and
    often not taken.
  31. shortcomings of a scribe
    The writer looks on
    with disdain, not at others’
    success, but his flops.
  32. chokesperson
    Meeting the press turned
    into a PR nightmare
    with no way to flee.
  33. the untidy wind
    A gentle breeze came
    by to shuffle my papers
    without permission.
  34. bury me with the following books …
    It’s less of a neat
    reading list at this point and
    more like a burden.
  35. pep alley
    We should line the streets
    and mercilessly taunt kids
    going back to school.
  36. a shovelful of sugar
    A stubborn psyche
    can be conquered with sweets as
    outright bribery.
  37. meanwhile out west
    A fire the size
    of a city razes the
    green world it touches.
  38. barley containable
    The only thing we
    have to fear is gluten and
    gluten foods … itself.
  39. fifty years in a blink
    The real surprise for
    the birthday boy was that he
    lived to that milestone.
  40. the magic porch
    Pens, notebooks and wine
    fuel all-night songwriting on
    real love and heartbreak.
  41. and salad for dessert
    Some potatoes, some
    meat, a few glasses of wine.
    bites of cheese and bread.
  42. the plastic sea
    We weave a giant
    tapestry of discarded
    bottles and torn bits.
  43. sad songs in major keys
    Spitting out words to
    an upbeat melody with
    a pasted-on smile.
  44. spite club
    When two assholes fight,
    do we want one to win or
    both to brawl to death?
  45. mother aretha
    The Queen of Soul calls
    us home with her transcendent
    voice and bold spirit.
  46. popsicle race
    To drink the frozen
    fruity slab before the sun
    demolishes it.
  47. the first first day of school
    Eyes bright with wonder,
    backpack along for the ride,
    the journey begins.
  48. the last first day of school
    Hesitation as
    she hits the hallways of her
    youth for one last time.
  49. before another trip around the sun
    Her special day runs
    from breakfast in bed to a
    night out on the town.
  50. the broke barometer
    The romance of deep
    poverty sours before
    the gallon of milk.
  51. salty and delicious
    ? When the tears from their
    eyes causes lots of sighs, that’s
    white fragility … ?
  52. unscheduled bacteria
    But really, when is
    a good time to get sick? Take
    two breaths and rest up.
  53. the interviewer’s credo
    Carefully watch and
    listen. Pause to draw them out.
    Ask strong follow-ups.
  54. an uncivil age
    What is etiquette
    when we take private moments
    and share them online?
  55. what passes for a society page these days
    The only point of
    a new restaurant is to
    be seen at its launch.
  56. several americas
    Many sides to an
    issue, mostly wrong, but voiced
    with indignation.
  57. dumb dump
    A contagion of
    stupid infects through toes and
    slides up to the brain.
  58. this just isn’t in
    The headlines blare all
    day long in a nonstop flood
    of true awfulness.
  59. dance the day away
    Huckster hops around
    with spinning sign and shouts of
    chipper enticement.
  60. to new moms
    Before you know it,
    he’ll zip into all kinds of
    unsanctioned mischief.
  61. demolish the character building
    If I could do it
    all over again, I’d
    skip the lousy parts.
  62. trickle-up economics
    We toil fiercely
    to line their coffers while we
    can’t afford coffins.
  63. joystick jockeys
    The players wielded
    their controllers like daggers
    ready to slay forth.
  64. newfound restraint
    Nothing more satis-
    fying than checking things off
    of your to-don’t list.
  65. they serve at the displeasure of the president
    The loyalists staged
    a coup of sorts, less bloody
    and more financial.
  66. provocation
    The artist creates.
    The public boos. The artist
    works. The public boos.
  67. the new customer service
    Please hold, our bot will
    be with you in just a few
    moments to fail you.
  68. the negligent wordsmith
    Can poetry be
    a collection of random
    words together? Tin.
  69. the front-of-house clique
    They might get you a
    menu, or they might just stay
    in their knot of cool.
  70. we once were allies
    They stood by us on
    our darkest day. We dropped them
    to embrace evil.
  71. an outbreak of hurricanes
    Two to the east, one
    to the south, another to
    the west. Batten down.
  72. a hurricane rhyme scheme
    All forces at once.
    A beautiful eerie calm.
    All forces again.
  73. the wordsmith
    Putting care into
    each line, each syllable till
    each verse flows with ease.
  74. the thousand-dollar soul stealer
    I need a smartphone
    with all the best features to
    take countless selfies.
  75. the disappearing drug store
    Part-corporate drug
    dealer, part-vending machine,
    our lost five and dime.
  76. the stoic’s guide to mourning
    My cat died and I
    ran over my right foot with
    my lawnmower. Ow.
  77. the art of comedy
    Make ’em laugh, make ’em
    think. Or make ’em squirm. Or just
    make ’em pay up front.
  78. ‘failed to comply’
    The cop came to the
    wrong apartment, gunned down the
    tenant, life goes on.
  79. reading, writing, revenge
    She lined up the sight,
    breathed in, squeezed the trigger. The
    student/shooter … dead.
  80. relatively amusing
    The summer has come
    and gone again like a fun,
    beloved uncle.
  81. information diet
    I gorge on gossip
    and tabloids with no room left
    for current events.
  82. the day the phone screen died
    How many years’ bad
    luck for smashing a little
    black mirror to bits?
  83. all summer in a fall
    The autumn heat scorched
    schoolkids and pumpkin patches
    on a parched landscape.
  84. aural retentive
    The books talk to me
    in a soft whisper, putting
    musings into words.
  85. undiagnosed hyperopia
    Compassion is just
    looking out beyond one’s nose
    tip to some others.
  86. early morning dim
    The hum of the lone
    Keurig promises a hot
    cuppa for one soul.
  87. green public enemy no. 1
    Not big corporate
    polluters. Not fossil fuel
    cars. A drinking straw.
  88. such spirit through the year
    Revelers care now:
    How many days till Christmas?
    Screw bats and Pilgrims.
  89. the resting roman
    Fading white sheet with
    delicate string and even
    dowels all bunched up.
  90. darkened hallways of commerce
    The last of the mall
    walkers rounded the corner
    where stores once sold junk.
  91. worth its weight in data
    Snooping sites collect
    our lives bit by bit, all for
    the sake of commerce.
  92. a bot ‘wrote’ this poem
    quickly, ferryboat
    recedes, coldhearted fleshy
    scrawny knives snoring
  93. how to watch many shows during peak tv
    Picture in picture
    in picture in picture in
    picture in picture.
  94. the game of monopoly
    Limiting choices
    and limiting freedom through
    consolidation.
  95. how to spend football saturday
    The stores are empty.
    The streets are full of empty.
    The parks are empty.
  96. hypochondriac’s progress
    A tickle in the
    throat becomes a cough, an ache,
    a fever, a death.
  97. i wanna rock and roll all night and part of every day
    Even when we mis-
    hear lyrics, they still have a
    meaning so special.
  98. tmi syndrome
    An occasional
    coughing fit, bleeding from
    the eyes, mild hunger.
  99. ziff! bam! veto!
    “The West Wing” but in
    comic book form, soon to be
    a film and streamer.
  100. the daily reminder
    To exercise. To
    pray. To look around. To be
    nicer. To hang on.
  101. the end times
    We ran out of each
    and every flavor of ice
    cream except fat free.

• • •

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Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 46

Tuesday, July 3rd, 2018

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  1. children’s crusade 2018
    With signs and guts, they
    marched, let down by grownups but
    ready for action.
  2. how to sell more guns
    Guns in schools. Guns in
    churches. Guns in hospitals.
    Gun in underwear.
  3. dad’s seat
    Though a place was set,
    the chair at the head of the
    table was empty.
  4. the frozen coffeehouse
    Keep the thermostat
    at 58 degrees to
    sell more hot java.
  5. the surveillance state
    Wiretaps in our
    pockets, on our desks, in our
    cars and soon, our brains.
  6. a conspiracy of dunces
    Promises to the
    poor, favors to the rich, but
    beholden to none.
  7. out like a ham
    The silly toddler
    couldn’t resist a giggle
    before his bedtime.
  8. disappearing act
    After a 3-day
    entombment, he went upstairs
    to save mankind.
  9. science under husband
    A bloated mass of
    gases and occasional
    grunts for sustenance.
  10. everyone is average
    About yay tall and
    so-so looks with a boring
    personality.
  11. run the numbers
    Add the figures through
    last quarter and divide by
    made-up integers.
  12. steps to ignominy
    Electric slide on
    down to boogie wonderland
    for popping, locking.
  13. reflective secrets
    Their hushed whisperings
    revealed as much as if they
    shouted to the world.
  14. no man is an island
    Friendships come, but most
    often go, withering from
    both time and distance.
  15. permanent binge
    TVs playing all
    prestige shows throughout the day
    and night till we croak.
  16. user era
    The phones are getting
    smarter while the phonies are
    getting dumberer.
  17. free-range adults
    Men and women roam
    without the tether of small
    screens and loud alerts.
  18. dinner in 60
    Some days, the biggest
    challenge is hitting Start
    on the damn microwave.
  19. the component of tomorrow
    Protein comes from shakes,
    snack bars, powders, supplements
    and sometimes meat, fish.
  20. fortunate cookies
    The luckiest folks
    never notice when their luck
    runs completely out.
  21. re-re-re-routing
    The errant package
    visited several states
    before being trashed.
  22. forever young
    We reward elders
    with neglect, abuse, contempt,
    and substandard care.
  23. trucker’s mirage
    The exit ramp floats
    by, as waves of headlights burn
    in all directions.
  24. eyes on the prized
    Today, celebrate
    the best writers. Tomorrow,
    back to the keyboard.
  25. bred and circumcisions
    No time for a full
    cut, so how about just a
    little off the top?
  26. callbacks next week
    The audition went
    well enough to warrant a
    second try to shine.
  27. electric you and i
    No resistance as
    the current flows through us, a
    tingling sensation.
  28. binge mentality
    Please shovel content
    to me before I figure
    out this show is crap.
  29. under the operatic force
    A highly trained group
    of divas and tenors armed
    with high notes and low.
  30. a motion picture is worth a thousand words
    Why watch the movie
    when the Wikipedia
    recap is better?
  31. of the moment
    The past is a safe
    space, except when filled with dark
    trauma and regret.
  32. fixer upper downer
    Under the carpet
    is worn wood, and below that,
    a layer of bugs.
  33. honeymoon distractions
    Thank you notes to be
    written, gifts to be exchanged
    and a cake to freeze.
  34. bashing dragons
    The wee knight took up
    arms against fire-breathing
    foes in the forest.
  35. grok talk
    The best words come from
    languages of the fertile
    imagination.
  36. toothpicks and shot cups
    Free samples are my
    jam. Load me up with bite-size
    morsels without end.
  37. every waiting room ever
    A musty stack of
    magazines no one reads yet
    thoroughly perused.
  38. kneeling friend
    Arise, Sir Keeps Her
    Under the Umbrella and
    Kills All the Roaches.
  39. holy wit
    If only the staid
    preachers were as funny as
    the church signs outside.
  40. a spoiler-free experience
    Don’t read reviews that
    reveal Rosebud is a sled
    or Gwyneth’s boxed head.
  41. to-don’t list, heavily revised
    Something something swear
    off booze. Forget birthdays. Drive
    really carefully.
  42. on the sliver screen
    Take an Imax hit.
    reduce it to 2-D, slap
    it on a smartphone.
  43. the lost girl
    Tears in her eyes, she
    stumbled round the playground to
    find her missing mom.
  44. the prat signal
    And we shall know the
    pious through their bright ribbons
    and virtuous tweets.
  45. gonna need you to go ahead come in tomorrow
    The two most common
    management styles are passive
    and, well, aggressive.
  46. dry heat is a myth
    A furnace blast of
    hell’s halitosis roasts skin
    and ignites children.
  47. circumstances of our own making
    Trapped at a dinner
    party. Painful swollen gums.
    Stuck with bald tires.
  48. the year they stopped making magazines
    About seven years
    before I arrived at this
    quiet waiting room.
  49. chore dice
    Water shelves. Vacuum
    bed. Wash living room. Polish
    garbage. Roll again.
  50. the four-minute radiator tutorial
    The mechanic checks
    YouTube again to make sure
    he’s doing it right.
  51. one-sided correspondence
    Stationery, stamps
    and pens, but no time to string
    together the words.
  52. mining the past, screwing the future
    Reboots require
    a syrupy nostalgia
    overwhelming all else.
  53. the fraught lot
    Musical chairs, but
    with many cars and also
    limited parking.
  54. pre-bread
    Knead the dough, but not
    so much that it turns into
    a glutenous mass.
  55. the weakened weekend
    A light agenda
    crippled by sickness, fatigue
    and bouts of nausea.
  56. shortcuts to madness
    Do we need to life-
    hack our way to paradise
    or can we relax?
  57. the reviewer’s curse
    Sifting through the good,
    bad and mediocre can
    diminish delight.
  58. chamber of horrors
    Trapped inside the car
    with an angry wasp speeding
    through a red stop light.
  59. all-you-can-infect buffet
    No sneeze guard can shield
    you from grubby hands and a
    smorgasbord of germs.
  60. loyalty has its limits
    Standing up for the
    haters. Calling out buddies.
    It’s not a good look.
  61. little women 2018
    They form a fashion
    clique on Instagram and sell
    makeup sponsorships.
  62. the rhyme directive
    Let some choice words flow
    with ability to grow
    like a goddamn pro.
  63. unrighteous fury
    Why feed anger when
    it won’t last, it won’t help and
    it won’t solve a thing?
  64. the evolution of leisure time
    Hiking, swimming, films,
    shooting hoops, camping out. And
    now, screens, screens, screens, screens.
  65. some gave all
    How to pay tribute
    to the fallen: Put an end
    to war forever.
  66. glowing screens and strewn toys
    From the shadows, we
    peek into the windows of
    staid suburbia.
  67. fix hearing
    The truth comes out in
    muted unpleasantries and
    tiny blunted jabs.
  68. the rubber straggler
    Three tires in a
    perfect rolling harmony.
    One singing flatter.
  69. the fix-it guy
    Coming by to see
    an underwater mortgage
    and a gassy dog.
  70. cruising in oblivious
    Remaining untouched
    by those with concerns, problems
    or minutiae.
  71. gray-colored glasses
    Fixated on the
    minute-to-minute struggle
    to keep on breathing.
  72. voluntary book burning
    Those who don’t read for
    pleasure have brain cells stuck in
    neutral. Poor dumb things.
  73. queen lear
    She offers her three
    sons a beachfront timeshare and
    goes mad as moms do.
  74. fairy tales for the unimaginative
    A servant cleans the
    house with stupendous effort.
    A dog talks in barks.
  75. formula for a best-seller
    String words together
    in powerful sentences.
    Repeat till novel.
  76. rip tony
    Chef turned author and
    ambassador, seeking great
    eats and real people.
  77. the office potluck
    Chips, tortilla chips,
    dip, potato salad and
    12 kinds of desserts.
  78. dud weight
    The lump in the next
    cubicle spends time on the
    clock wasting good air.
  79. the soft touch
    Browbeating the point
    pushes away. Asking and
    demonstrating works.
  80. kids’ weekday summer morning matinee
    A tornado of
    popcorn and giggles destroys
    the run-down lobby.
  81. aiming for a june weeding
    The ceremony
    takes place outdoors in a tall
    thicket of back yard.
  82. make culture great again
    Take your poisonous
    nostalgia, weave it into
    new clumps of old thoughts.
  83. rituals
    Put on some coffee.
    Flip idly through a smartphone.
    Awaken within.
  84. the excuse machine
    Nobody is more
    efficient at deflection
    than the manager.
  85. ones and zeros and wonders
    Can they automate
    the brain, its myriad ways
    of complex thinking?
  86. good enough for the japanese
    America puts her
    children in timeout, known as
    concentration camps.
  87. almost liquid
    “Boba tea is gross,”
    he said, adding peanuts to
    his bottle of Coke.
  88. stepping forward
    Precision rhythm,
    sick moves, a squad of highly
    talented young men.
  89. just another day in america
    Children locked up as
    political prisoners
    in chain link cages.
  90. that which binds us
    We are more than our
    ideologies, more than
    our limited views.
  91. summer sprinkle
    A few drops from an
    indifferent sky upon
    a brownish landscape.
  92. the ice cream van
    It offers only
    two flavors, and both of them
    are vanilla-based.
  93. a pit and a mountain
    Despair seems like both
    a pit and a mountain. Let’s
    climb out and over.
  94. make america civil again
    The brutes declare that
    we must endure oppression
    much more politely.
  95. holier than thou
    A country founded
    on religious freedom shuts
    its doors to Muslims.
  96. the package plant
    Human drones flitter
    from shelf to shelf to send so
    much junk to shoppers.
  97. the tyranny of the new
    New is better, new
    is thrilling, new is vibrant.
    Old is discarded.
  98. digital dig
    Archeologists
    of the future will study
    our pics, open tabs.
  99. the reality of omnipresent recording devices
    Everything we say,
    everything we do captured
    for vile eavesdroppers.
  100. the tapping foot giveaway
    A still demeanor
    with a restless energy
    in a bouncing knee.
  101. literary expiration date
    His fans fervently
    hoped he’d complete the novels
    before he perished.

• • •

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Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 45

Saturday, March 24th, 2018

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  1. a very special election
    It’s shocking what a
    few hundred thousand voters
    can achieve as one.
  2. elfcare
    Santa’s workers bled
    and toiled while breathing in
    sawdust and benzene.
  3. the wretched tale of retail
    The mall is dying
    a death by a thousand clicks
    for online shopping.
  4. home surveillance
    To wreck our right to
    privacy, Elf on the Shelf
    can’t beat Alexa.
  5. the endless space opera
    It ain’t over till
    the Wookiee growls and the droids
    beep at each other.
  6. everyday contrivances
    The writer seeks an
    adventure while strolling, a
    hero while snooping.
  7. run-down town
    The run-down town with
    the run-down park and run-down
    school and run-down kids.
  8. old man comes a’callin’
    Dreary visitor
    settles in for a long un-
    welcome appointment.
  9. overheard in the next car
    Ashamed and brittle,
    the passenger belted out
    insult after insult.
  10. not the santa I know
    He gets a little
    wound up getting ready for
    a lap around Earth.
  11. winter warmup special
    A big bucket of
    hot cocoa with marshmallows
    the size of a fist.
  12. the unselfish season
    Dare we remember
    the reason for the season,
    thinking of others.
  13. in anticipation of being all grown up
    She would dream of get-
    ting older, filling out her
    curves, dating, driving.
  14. the re-wrappening
    Gifts that were almost
    good enough headed to those
    houses less worthy.
  15. describe 2017
    Kleptocracy. Sex
    monsters. Women’s movement. And
    Russian collusion.
  16. the fluidity of the moment
    Time marches to its
    own mysterious beat:
    tick, pause pause pause, tock.
  17. middle option freestyling
    Thanks, Fort Lauderdale,
    and I’ll take you up for the
    day at your house or
  18. the final score
    Was it a year of
    missed opportunities or
    big life-changing moves?
  19. mmxviii
    Three hundred sixty-
    five chances to find love and
    fulfillment ahead.
  20. squirrel in the engine
    A stowaway stayed
    warm by the engine block at
    10 mph.
  21. regrets, she’s had a few
    Her life flashed before
    her eyes, a tangle of loves
    and not speaking up.
  22. a bitter pill unswallowed
    Rancor and mistakes
    of a career gone by spring
    forth with purest bile.
  23. appetizing formula
    Basic equation
    of bread and oil yields a
    complex expression.
  24. deep state of the union
    The bureaucracy
    hums along with nary a
    care in the world. (wink)
  25. backup doorbells
    One chime sends the dog
    barking and the other one
    yelping in alarm.
  26. the lost shipment
    Every package ends
    up somewhere, but not always
    the right where. Nightmare.
  27. tribal customs
    Fandom brings us all
    together but also keeps
    us far, far apart.
  28. caste systems
    Give us your tired,
    your poor. We need them to fuel
    this corrupted realm.
  29. retail restlessness
    The walk-in by a
    customer slightly lessens
    the rampant boredom.
  30. see rocks in the city
    A fake mountainside
    begs me to hug it closely
    while ascending it.
  31. catch it!
    Influenza, or
    what the kids call it now, “the
    flu,” it’s gone … viral.
  32. a cure for the unexpected
    An acute case of
    irony deficiency
    needs only bluntness.
  33. extended hibernation
    With the icy wind
    and bitter cold, we find our
    shelter in plush quilts.
  34. to get more candy bars
    Boys go to Jupi-
    ter to get more stupider.
    Girls go to Mars …
  35. severe management alert
    The threat of snow is
    an excuse for the working
    class to shun labor.
  36. the hole proverb
    People who live in
    glass dictatorships shouldn’t
    throw stones. (Or insults.)
  37. kids’ marathon
    Endless wailing for
    McDonald’s for 26
    minutes in the car.
  38. mt. inadequacy
    Testing each foothold
    while climbing the great indoors
    1 yard off the mat.
  39. double trouble
    I met another
    me the other day. Kinda
    strange if you ask me.
  40. the x factor
    No bumps in the road
    until a giant pothole
    derails everything.
  41. the dearest of dunderheads
    Prattling with close pals:
    Familiarity breeds
    hilarity. Ha!
  42. facing the rock
    Hold on even though
    fingers are aching, muscles
    are straining. Upward.
  43. skyscrappers
    Women hold up half
    the sky, nearly crushed by the
    weight of oppression.
  44. the nightly celebration
    Back yards with clinking
    glasses, strings of lights dangling
    from limbs, gunfire.
  45. away with words
    The narrator sped
    up so fast that paragraphs
    had to be gulped whole.
  46. lives in boxes
    Her DVDs, his
    books, their cutlery, plus a
    few old memories.
  47. the alarm that cried ‘wolf’
    No one ran for the
    exits. Smoke filled the hallway.
    Flames lapped the ceiling.
  48. to make amends
    Go forth, with heart in
    hand, seeking forgiveness but
    expecting nothing.
  49. liquid disposition
    One more slug. That’s all
    I need to make it through the
    day, to numb my pain.
  50. it even has a weird pronunciation
    Precious daylight in
    short supply. Someone has to
    be the mini month.
  51. the reluctant rodent
    A shadow holds the
    entire hemisphere in
    its icy power.
  52. in pursuit of love
    Maybe it’s behind
    that tree, or inside that old
    café. Keep looking.
  53. the welcoming dank
    An abandoned place
    for hardy and foolhardy
    misfits to explore.
  54. knew attitude
    A rebirth within
    my own skin liberates me.
    Zero fucks given.
  55. lost in time
    Recapture glory?
    But nostalgia is poison.
    We must move forward.
  56. the unfashionable stairwell
    The crew removed the
    broken escalator step
    by step by step by …
  57. fifth-wave feminism
    Tools for ladies. Shoes
    for ladies. Potato chips
    for ladies. Not men!
  58. the introvert’s guide to rsvp’s
    No answer means no.
    No means no. Maybe means no.
    Yes? Probably not.
  59. the two koreas
    Hopeful, scared. Urbane,
    withdrawn. Planning, reaction-
    ary. Hand in hand.
  60. the marathon
    More women rush past
    the starting line with hopes of
    being elected.
  61. the power of then
    The past has a hold
    on us stronger than any
    debt or blood promise.
  62. write down seven times
    Not every first draft
    leads to a meaningful book
    or flowing sonnet.
  63. so many flavors of love
    Passionate. Endless.
    Platonic. Codependent.
    Mutual. Selfless.
  64. field guide to homo sapiens
    Do not interact.
    Merely observe. Gaze deeply
    into human hearts.
  65. till the muffler gives out
    Sputters and lurches
    make for a troubled ride on
    a car’s last journey.
  66. the hunt for ice cream
    The fluffiness. The
    sharp delight of an untried
    flavor. Frosty joy.
  67. the call of duty for a 10-year-old
    Who made that lone child
    the human shield for his class
    -mates? He volunteered.
  68. the invisible receptionist
    Only a ghost haunts
    the abandoned desk at the
    front of the office.
  69. the all-spin zone
    The humble snowboard
    sends riders high into the
    sky with bold panache.
  70. the comeback
    Her knees rebuilt. Her
    arm fractured. Ready to ski
    at full tilt boogie.
  71. the devilish landlord
    Beat the tenants. Break
    the leases. Ignore the gripes.
    Holler for the checks.
  72. cautiously optimistic
    Keeping the champagne
    in storage while watching each
    small step for progress.
  73. the plain bus stop
    No shelter, no bench,
    just a patch of dirt next to
    a sun-bleached marker.
  74. the five rings
    Let the continents
    of people rejoice in games
    and good sportsmanship.
  75. when one becomes two
    She would face the day
    with a bit more grit and a
    heap of wistfulness.
  76. intelligence quotient
    We know more than we
    let on, and sometimes a whole
    lot less than we should.
  77. the price of johnny’s soul
    What is the devil
    doing with a gaudy gold
    fiddle anyway?
  78. eternal precipitation
    the ground is damp the
    house is damp the dog is damp
    the shoes are muddy
  79. an awkward hollywood minute
    The stars shone on the
    red carpet, burning with rage
    at their mistreatment.
  80. oscar haiku 2018

    splish splash
    Tale as old as time:
    Girl meets fish. Girl boinks fish. Girl
    goes off the deep end.

  81. evasion of the body snatchers
    White people are so-o-o-o-o
    possessive. Black lives matter
    in the sunken place.

    ebbing and flouting
    She spelled it out on
    the rural route. Justice now!
    Somehow. Burma-Shave.

    sand trap
    We shall film on the
    beaches. We shall film in the
    hills. No surrender.

    that’s no lady — that’s my life
    Not about the first
    lady nor Hank Hill’s bloodhound
    on “King of the Hill.”

  82. red carpet 2018
    Who are you wearing?
    How did you approach your role?
    What jerk harassed you?
  83. serenade of horns
    That one car blocking
    the whole intersection while
    tying up traffic.
  84. the power of fear
    It either keeps us
    from doing what is needed
    or immobilized.
  85. commandeer in chief
    My hair is stupid.
    I hire crooks and liars.
    Make me President.
  86. with cinema and marvel for all
    I pledge allegiance
    to Black Panther. Wakanda
    forever. Amen.
  87. seething with joy
    The gift was a joke,
    which became a trojan horse
    for a bigger joke.
  88. the woofers play
    Two pups circle each
    other while a third explores
    a left tennis shoe.
  89. the storms of connection
    Arm in arm, they shared
    an umbrella, not letting
    rain or cold stop them.
  90. black swans and unicorns
    The petting zoo had
    just black swans and unicorns,
    nothing to cuddle.
  91. she draws you
    The charcoal pencil
    reveals a fragile soul in
    the piles of wrinkles.
  92. kids do the darndest things
    Make signs, shout slogans,
    fight violence, participate
    in democracy.
  93. on intelligence
    Some is good, extra
    can’t hurt, less artificial
    and more natural.
  94. personality test 2018
    Someone’s Netflix queue,
    their Instagram profile pic
    or their latte tastes.
  95. leprechaun in training
    She has the vape pen
    and the tattered hat, but lost
    her pot o’ bitcoin.
  96. mechanical malfeasance
    A simple oil
    change turned into an all-too-
    quick tune-up shakedown.
  97. a poisonous hope
    Holding out for a
    better ending, waiting for
    a great tomorrow.
  98. a malady for all seasons
    Spring fever leads to
    summer strokes, fall vertigo
    and winter frostbite.
  99. who tells our stories?
    The storyteller
    is as important as the
    style, plot and pacing.
  100. temporary spring cleaning
    To throw out stuff to
    make room for more stuff in the
    space for all our stuff.
  101. seasonal malaise
    The pollen coats the
    air, while the germs take over
    the grubby wee hands.
  102. till today do us part
    They couldn’t break their
    bonds cleanly, settling for
    a messy divorce.

• • •

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Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 44

Wednesday, December 13th, 2017

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  1. fanfare for the working man
    No vacations, no
    rest. In this country, every
    day is Labor Day.
  2. wing it and smile
    Their plans were simply
    to hang out and see where the
    day and night take them.
  3. the day the dream died
    The only country
    they’ve ever known is sending
    them far, far away.
  4. a tiny step of faith
    It takes some courage
    to care. About someone else,
    a cause, a friendship.
  5. paintings and knickknacks around the block
    The artists set up
    shop in bodegas and bars
    and crowded storefronts.
  6. the reckoning
    Mother Nature came
    to collect on all debts, past,
    present and future.
  7. grizzly hug
    I hold her tightly
    so none of the affection
    slips away from us.
  8. peak anxiety
    Money woes, watching
    weight, spousal tiffs, work headaches
    and a wobbly faith.
  9. hurricant
    The depression limps
    closer. Even the storm is
    tired of raining.
  10. kids today
    With their selfies and
    their avocado toast and
    their vocal fry. Feh!
  11. abuse your illusion
    Are we taking steps
    to live our dreams or faking
    it as usual?
  12. should’ve ordered moscow mules
    A snowflake and a
    cuck walk into a bar. They
    gag on White Russians.
  13. hypocritical oaf
    He asked others to
    stop posting political
    junk. Then he does it.
  14. unending embrace
    I hold on tight to
    her with all the love I can
    muster. I hold on.
  15. the end of privacy
    Eventually,
    the hackers get our eighth grade
    diaries and rhymes.
  16. caravan of crazy
    Slowly winding up
    the interstate, yelling at
    each annoying jerk.
  17. hand in hand, step by step
    We take time to mark
    the little milestones as we
    share the path forward.
  18. woman’s best friend
    Her sidekick wanted
    nothing more than a few pats
    and full loyalty.
  19. shakacon
    Nerds would gather to
    discuss the finer points of
    picking up Klingons.
  20. unregulated monsters
    Supervisors looked
    with disdain at free spirits
    who slipped through somehow.
  21. keeping score by the decibel
    Shouts rang out up and
    down the street as each team’s fans
    groaned and cheered their fates.
  22. teach to the test
    Learn to fill in those
    bubbles in the allotted
    time or get left back.
  23. politicize everything
    Let no gesture go
    unremarked and no statement
    go undissected.
  24. before the notification bell
    An announcement on
    their relationship status
    was being crafted.
  25. be labor
    Each hopeful waited
    to put their time and their back
    into a day’s work.
  26. the check isn’t in the mail
    The mailbox was a
    yawning chasm of sordid
    promises, no hope.
  27. the instruction manual
    Out the birth canal
    and into the world and then
    into the cold ground.
  28. the incoherent stranger
    She came a’babblin’
    to the funeral service
    with pillows for shoes.
  29. the crank
    Once confined to the
    basement, the crabby gent ran
    for a Senate seat.
  30. loves horses and her boyfriend, too
    She’s a good girl, loves
    her mama. Loves Jesus and
    America, too.
  31. the cost of doing nothing
    While we bicker through
    the same arguments on the
    same issues, folks die.
  32. the nicer dollar store
    The nicer dollar
    store has better things on sale
    and fewer crime scenes.
  33. pearl power
    After 12 years, I
    still get a thrill when hitting
    the Publish button.
  34. a partner in prime
    We take on the day
    with no agenda other
    than to laugh out loud.
  35. going to unchurch
    Worship football. Pray
    to brunch. Honor thy binge watch
    and thy extra sleep.
  36. modern political discourse
    Angry tweet, then a
    gif meme, racist comments and
    whataboutism.
  37. co-bucket list
    Whatever we do,
    wherever we roam, we seek
    the funnest of fun.
  38. the coolest festival on earth
    He would sail down to
    Antarctica to sing to
    the penguins and seals.
  39. medium-distance relationship
    They traded sexts by
    erotic semaphore to
    let their freak flags fly.
  40. no quarters necessary
    Tap keys and grow plants
    and zap spaceships and rock hard
    and score lots of points.
  41. the healing power of puppers
    The world is toast. But
    at least I can look at dogs
    on the Internet.
  42. natty nuptials
    The bride wore a pearl
    strapless gown with beaded trim.
    The groom wore a tux.
  43. race track report
    The cars turned and turned
    and turned and turned and turned and
    turned and turned and turned.
  44. no more facades
    I want to be my
    best self and my worst self for
    the one I adore.
  45. to the bunkers
    Are there really good
    people still left in the world
    or are they hiding?
  46. movie night
    We sit close in the
    dark, hand in hand, eyes on the
    screen and each other.
  47. cupcake gigante
    In the small pan rose
    a small cake. A small knife spread
    a schmear of icing.
  48. months to live
    The doctor put down
    her charts and broke the bad news
    with a steady voice.
  49. country music staples
    Trucks, Jesus, women,
    beer, dogs, heartbreak, the outdoors,
    Mama ‘n’ Daddy.
  50. a rapist in the making
    He thought nothing of
    his many suggestive texts,
    his whispered come-ons.
  51. not too many followers
    My cult is a weird
    mishmash of clean eating and
    freaky solo sex.
  52. burn it all down
    Abusers always
    have a way of finding blame
    for all except them.
  53. boo all day every day
    Nothing is scary
    enough for Halloween when
    life is a horror.
  54. imaginary numbers
    How do we measure
    the unmeasurable? How
    do we count fairies?
  55. custom costume
    A sword and pointy
    ears and boxing gloves and a
    princess-y cone hat.
  56. at the moment before death
    Life is a series
    of dumb video clips that
    flash before your eyes.
  57. make america weird again
    We drink Mountain Dew
    screwdrivers for breakfast and
    eat breakfast at night.
  58. hard candy halloween
    A ghost tried to warn
    kids about the dangers of
    plaque and gum disease.
  59. the color of hate
    Terrorists come in
    all shades: white, white, white, white, white,
    white, white, white and white.
  60. that’s the way love goes
    The confusion that
    comes with budding amour grows
    my anxiety.
  61. the unfairer sex
    Men, with their grabby
    hands and lewd remarks and cruel
    attitude. Xwhy?
  62. the fortune teller’s creed
    Uncertainty breeds
    anxiety. Better to
    know bad news up front.
  63. sunset in the afternoon
    Night begins as soon
    as lunch is done, and the drive
    home slinks through pitch black.
  64. the biggest dragonfly ever
    A lone drone swoops through
    the park weaving through tall trees
    and dodging frisbees.
  65. when johnny comes limping home
    A nation sends its
    young to war, then leaves them to
    pick up their own pieces.
  66. when one become two
    We lie awake, side
    by side, wondering what the
    other wants in time.
  67. modest riches
    Bills paid, flat fixed, new
    toaster, new underwear, cash
    for fast food takeout.
  68. feed the trees
    The paperwork to
    reduce paperwork is held
    up by no paper.
  69. for god and country
    They risked it all for
    apple pie and the Amer-
    ican way of life.
  70. ode to a beard
    The scraggly friend who
    cleans up after meals, gives a
    tickler to faces.
  71. after goodbye
    The beating goes on,
    a solitary thump. The
    heart wants what it wants.
  72. tis better
    Love isn’t lost. It
    hides in the crevasses of
    the poor broken heart.
  73. the march of time
    Six more weeks till a
    new year. Six more hours till a
    new day. Keep trying.
  74. hushed skeletons
    Cruelty is silence
    smothering the victims of
    sexual violence.
  75. let us now praise infamous men
    They built careers on
    stellar reputations and
    silent survivors.
  76. hole foods
    I should eat more fresh
    vegetables, he thought as he
    munched on a doughnut.
  77. t-shirt curls
    Sometimes, the workout
    is getting into the right
    outfit to sweat in.
  78. vacancy
    The empty spaces
    in my heart used to hold some
    very dear partners.
  79. the perfect thanksgiving meal
    Buttered toast, popcorn,
    pretzel sticks, jelly beans and
    an ice cream sundae.
  80. agenda of entitlement
    Are we doing all
    we can to shame sexual
    assault survivors?
  81. all you can gorge
    Have we eaten all
    we can? Eat more. Have we thanked
    everyone? Thank more.
  82. black every day
    The middle class spent
    their last dollars on super
    bargains made abroad.
  83. shun local
    The old shopkeeper
    braced for the impending wave
    of no customers.
  84. garden raiders
    Vermin creep through the
    rows of tender seedlings in
    search of freebie food.
  85. wisdom of the crowd
    Sometimes the angry
    mob with pitchforks and torches
    is exactly right.
  86. sensible names for pets
    Constance, George, Wilma,
    Matthew, Irwin, Fran, Justine,
    Luther, Kate, Danny.
  87. let’s get rid of
    Nazis, gaslighters,
    colluders, sex predators,
    tax dodgers, bullies.
  88. an open secret
    Everyone in the
    office knew he was a cad
    but kept it private.
  89. a big eastern syndicate
    Christmas isn’t a
    season or a warm feeling.
    It’s raw consumption.
  90. trauma on the reg
    Every time she peeked
    online, she re-lived horrors
    from past and present.
  91. thirdhand
    They say you never
    get a second chance to make
    a first impression.
  92. demotivational speaker
    Inspirational
    quotes couldn’t match the murmur
    of cruel depression.
  93. and on earth peace and goodwill towards some
    That uncle on the
    Facebook won’t stop jabbering
    about foreigners.
  94. party before country
    We drank from the cup
    of wretched excess before
    dozing in the woods.
  95. you can’t spell iambic pentameter without i am me
    Can we find ourselves
    in a poem? Can we learn
    from these brief verses?
  96. shade to come
    The hot new color
    for next year is called Putrid
    Melancholy Brown.
  97. work harder not smarter
    Employees will keep
    their efforts at a work-life
    balance to themselves.
  98. never too early to campaign for votes
    In 3 days, this dumb
    election will be over
    and on to the next.
  99. blizzard alley
    Our flaky climate:
    It snows more often in the
    South than days gone by.
  100. never underestimate the power of
    Voters, but also
    money, corruption, lying
    and stupidity.
  101. in a pear coulis
    On the first day of
    Hanukkah, my rabbi gave
    to me … a latke.

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Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 43

Sunday, September 3rd, 2017

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  1. garden buffet
    The leaves have little
    bite marks where wild visitors
    stop for healthy snacks.
  2. a trip to the beach
    Find the perfect spot
    for catching rays, reading trash,
    making sand castles.
  3. kiss track
    When artists feud, let
    them make up with lip-locks set
    to a funky beat.
  4. canning fodder
    The fight for freedom
    never ends. Must we always
    send them in harm’s way?
  5. eternal summer
    Rising seas, flooded
    coasts, ancient viruses, wide-
    spread decimation.
  6. stirrings
    A gentle breeze lifts
    my aching heart to new heights.
    Love is in the air.
  7. frustration without representation
    No one else was in
    the room where it happened, the
    room where it happened.
  8. a mom’s poetry journal
    First words, first steps, first
    day of school. Write it all down,
    even when it hurts.
  9. a sorta fairytale 2.0
    Once upon a time.
    Boy swipes girl. Boy loses girl.
    Boy friends girl. The end.
  10. logged out
    They dismantled the
    giant oak, its wooden bones
    left out on the curb.
  11. the path once taken
    Ugly gardens, mean
    mutts, a falling piano
    and a touch of puke.
  12. we take it for granted
    The long forgetting
    of little niceties done
    without need of praise.
  13. alternative fiction
    The edges of the
    reality distortion
    field grow unbounded.
  14. the patriarch, the baby and the father
    The specter of death
    came calling and never left
    our once happy home.
  15. james and the giant (im)peach
    The corridors of
    power echo with the words
    of the lone top cop.
  16. restless heart syndrome
    Insecurity,
    a faithful companion to
    keep me uneasy.
  17. as goes flint
    Water comes in both
    leaded, unleaded. Make sure
    yours is the right one.
  18. cardiac conditioning
    Love, however brief,
    strengthens a heart against the
    loss that often comes.
  19. keys to resiliency
    Be realistic.
    Believe life is meaningful.
    Wing it when needed.
  20. a time of renewal
    Withered vines and dead
    leaves cleared for a row of new
    seeds and some sunshine.
  21. the monster at the end of this preview
    All movie trailers
    end the same way: with shameless
    pleas to buy tickets.
  22. curse of the attentive
    Staring at the back
    of everyone else’s phones,
    waiting to converse.
  23. what i call my junk
    The exclamation
    point delivers excitement
    in a slim package.
  24. you do you
    Her tirades against
    the universe came from her
    weird Twitter outbursts.
  25. all sweat, all the time
    After a shower,
    waking up, getting something
    from the car, breathing.
  26. then ludicrous plan it is
    A reasonable
    course of action is seldom
    called upon to try.
  27. vox unpopuli
    The most persuasive
    voice is the one nagging deep
    from inside the head.
  28. the wake of cindy
    Rain nourished the land
    in a reassuring caress
    on a darkened day.
  29. woes before doze
    Night becomes prison
    for insomniacs who want
    parole to dreamland.
  30. a greedy cancer
    Corruption poisons
    the powerful, infecting
    people with mistrust.
  31. rip megan rondini
    She was raped. She cried
    for help. They shunned her, blamed her.
    Then she killed herself.
  32. sitcom scrum
    The idiot ball
    bounces from character to
    character for laughs.
  33. bles this mess
    It’s easy to write
    haiku when you don’t have to
    count out the sylla—
  34. post-lunch lull
    The afternoon is
    for wrapping napkins, flirting
    with fellow servers.
  35. creative input
    Knowing trivia
    answers: good. Making up the
    answers: much better.
  36. the finicky gourmand
    She would eat only
    chicken fingers, potatoes
    (mashed) and M&Ms.
  37. every day’s a vacation in the ocean
    Even the sharks are
    headed to the beach for some
    swimming and nibbling.
  38. salt water tally
    Waves write their names in
    lattice letters of foam with
    disappearing ink.
  39. certain unalienable rights
    That among these are
    Life, Liberty and the pur-
    suit of Happiness.
  40. declare and conquer
    The Founding Fathers
    understood all too well the
    power-mad tyrant.
  41. the zen of baking
    The pan holds batter.
    The oven radiates. The
    cake rises or falls.
  42. two out of three on the grateful list
    Being in great health.
    Having great abdominals.
    Great at telling lies.
  43. grateful on the go
    Discount muffins and
    cheap gas and a car that lasts
    for some 20 years.
  44. grateful on the net
    The fellowship, the
    friendship and the endless wealth
    of cute videos.
  45. body positivity gratitude
    Grateful for teeth that
    chew (but not great at tearing),
    soft lips and soft hands.
  46. are you not grateful to be entertained?
    Peak television.
    Audiobooks on demand.
    Superhero flicks.
  47. a grateful spirit embiggens the smallest soul
    Grateful for things that
    last, relationships that grow,
    a heart that accepts.
  48. on the road to gratitude
    Hospitality
    in strange places, a kind heart,
    inviting cuisine.
  49. the good place
    The friend zone is where
    I want to be, gossiping
    laughing and scheming.
  50. the blogging fairy
    The blogging fairy
    brings good ideas and lots
    of site visitors.
  51. an introvert in hell
    Just need that one lone
    hour away from people
    and charts and mingling.
  52. finite jest
    Considering how
    stupid life is, it’s better
    that we are mortal.
  53. winky face heart eyes
    The journey of a
    thousand texts begins with a
    single emoji.
  54. the mask of zero
    Sometimes, character
    is revealed under the most
    mundane conditions.
  55. flash film binge
    They watched a bunch of
    nobodies bring everything
    to life in 2 days.
  56. a soul so light
    Unburdened with lies
    and mistakes, grasping for love
    and understanding.
  57. battle of the networker stars
    He passed out business
    cards like candy, the kind that
    rots your will to live.
  58. heads, we’re good
    The choice to be nice.
    The choice to be kind. The choice
    to be fair. Take it.
  59. perhaps a second intermission
    The tenor declares
    mild weather in a 20-
    minute aria.
  60. kids’ matinee
    They marched into the
    theater single file and
    watched without a peep.
  61. home remedies
    Take a bee’s stinger,
    mix it with ointment and brine,
    inject rectally.
  62. a minor legal matter
    A Boy Scout is blah,
    blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
    blah, blah, blah and blah.
  63. after employee chip insertion
    Make them dance like the
    puppets they are, then charge them
    double for vending.
  64. a type of food group
    His idea of
    cooking was to open a
    bag of chips, served fresh.
  65. at the reunion of former classmates
    Everyone’s bigger,
    balder, gauntier, louder
    and mostly sadder.
  66. imposters
    They share our first and
    last names, but their faces and
    minds are different.
  67. it’s been a privilege
    We do the same things
    but get different outcomes. It’s
    like the system’s rigged.
  68. not quite hitchcockian
    The audience seemed
    dazed once the lights came up and
    the credits rolled by.
  69. party hats optional
    She spent her birthday
    under the knife and fed by
    an array of tubes.
  70. high praise from the orchestra
    The brass bumped fists, the
    strings tapped bows, and the woodwinds
    trilled for no reason.
  71. guess who’s coming to instagram?
    The pork was simply
    photogenic, while the beets
    blushed under the lights.
  72. a mind left to its own devices
    Boredom should be a
    crime when imagination
    can sustain us all
  73. surrounded by greatness
    He was last in the
    batting order and worked to
    play better with less.
  74. the invisible woman
    No eyes were on her.
    No greetings to welcome her.
    A soul in shadows.
  75. flash flood flash
    A harmless creek swells
    into a tsunami of
    tumbling cars set free.
  76. just another day during world war 3
    Leaders trade barbs while
    missiles strike their objectives.
    Let’s watch it all die.
  77. a slight tenor
    His voice was his meal
    ticket, one that fed him with
    ramen and bean soup.
  78. a cooked book
    The recipe called
    for 2 cups of plot and a
    dash of character.
  79. love the brazilian way
    A sultry fling with
    heat, passion and some sandy
    settings at sunset.
  80. the sold-out talent show
    Little performers
    rehearsed their modest acts to
    torture their parents.
  81. educators when time permits
    Teachers are half moms,
    half counselors, half wardens
    and all underpaid.
  82. fighting the nazis
    Yell at them. Insult
    them. Spit on them. Drive them off.
    Punch them in the nose.
  83. but what about
    Stop defending the
    evil forces. Start taking
    care of each other.
  84. expressway to far away
    The highway will be
    rebuilt, but without all those
    cumbersome exits.
  85. floral camouflage
    Snapdragons lined the
    forest floor, giving cover
    to the wee creatures.
  86. newton’s lol
    Quietly the kids
    texted absurd nicknames for
    the science teacher.
  87. molecular attraction
    Oxygen had a
    three-way with some hydrogen
    and made a big splash.
  88. letters in a time of unrest
    He sent handwritten
    missives to his beloved
    while fighting back tears.
  89. reflect to deflect
    A chunk of rock casts
    a mighty shadow with help
    from a nearby star.
  90. the knight at the end of this book
    Each new page brought her
    closer to the past, finding
    love in the castle.
  91. conversational flow
    I like how she pelts
    me with questions, plus answers
    all the ones I ask.
  92. accounting migraine
    Cash flow barely a
    trickle, struggling to make the
    figures keep in shape.
  93. harvey, wallbanger
    The hurricane tore
    through the gulf to pummel the
    coast and its neighbors.
  94. normalizing the new normal
    The new normal is
    not new nor normal. It is
    fascism renewed.
  95. a city underwater
    The rain would not stop.
    Streets, homes, cars flooded, buried.
    The rain would not stop.
  96. the innings that pass
    They paid almost no
    attention to the game while
    lost in tender gaze.
  97. 11 trillion gallons
    Noah looked at the
    flood, gasped and swam for safety
    away from Houston.
  98. nursing home rescue
    The residents are
    evacuated safely,
    but what of the cats?
  99. the home of the future today
    The kitchen doesn’t
    clean itself, nor the bathroom.
    The maid goes to work.
  100. will of the triumph
    Our sorrows consume
    our thoughts, but our blessings need
    guided remembrance.
  101. the signal
    Her lips said nothing
    but kiss me again and a-
    gain and again and …

• • •

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Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 42

Thursday, May 25th, 2017

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  1. a surplus of mush
    No import tax on
    love. Bring in all we can to
    mend those broken hearts.
  2. the midnight tweet of paul revere
    He shouted online,
    “The Russians are coming! The
    Russians are coming!”
  3. a scratching at the screen door
    Not just any poor
    stray could fill the cat-sized hole
    in her battered heart.
  4. arson as a national policy
    Everything is on
    fire, and the rescue crew
    brings their gasoline.
  5. as the campfire crackles
    A bevy of tales
    about haunted cabins and
    assorted Yeti.
  6. faith in everything and nothing
    America, where
    you can believe any damn
    manner of nonsense.
  7. coffee summit
    Sure, a pastry and
    a pause before driving in.
    But first: Let’s caffeine.
  8. after the drought
    Drop by drop, the lake
    refilled, bringing much needed
    mud and soggy dirt.
  9. what comes next
    Post-science, post-fact,
    post-truth, post-irony and
    post-hypocrisy.
  10. for you and you alone
    You will persevere.
    The trillions (who won’t read this)
    do not stand a chance.
  11. on high alert
    Nerves worn and yet still
    working, every input a
    threat. Sheer exhaustion.
  12. demending the constitution
    Seven amendments
    are on hold: first, fourth, fifth, sixth,
    seventh, eighth and ninth.
  13. best pictures
    Actress dates jazz fiend.
    Boyhood, teenhood, then manhood.
    Black female eggheads.
  14. mistakes were made
    Sometimes, you just need
    to grab an envelope and
    hope it’s the right one.
  15. the mystery of flight
    Knowing how airplanes
    work, I’d rather stay planted
    on terra firma.
  16. care less
    You should care about
    this issue and not that one,
    since care is finite.
  17. naked mouth bones
    The camera doesn’t
    lie: Cuspids and molars need
    patching and prodding.
  18. she knows what’s what
    Respect the words of
    Daria Morgendorffer,
    wise beyond her years.
  19. in the bleak mild winter
    Spring will be so hot.
    And summer will be hotter.
    And fall … a meltdown.
  20. a book that you can put down
    The protagonist
    needs a better romance and
    a nicer townhouse.
  21. things are looking not down
    No job, no food, no
    house and no prospects. At least
    we have our … dammit.
  22. buddha once said
    The surest path to
    enlightenment can be found
    in my new podcast.
  23. overlooking the rhyme scheme
    She didn’t care for
    flowery verses but still
    married the poet.
  24. the princess
    Her reign is noted
    not so much for her royal
    bearing but whining.
  25. sunnydale, 20 years later
    Buffy Anne Summers.
    Beloved sister, friend. She
    saved the world. A lot.
  26. hands-free chronology
    Amputated clocks
    tell time on demand or show
    their floating digits.
  27. homegrown hate
    We overlook the
    face of terrorism when
    it resembles ours.
  28. uninquiring minds
    Check yourself. I am
    not here to reinforce your
    selfish narrative.
  29. binary watchdogs
    Every device a
    spy, every lens a snitch, all
    in the name of peace.
  30. snow where land
    The snow flurries seem
    more magical when falling
    far away from here.
  31. preening to death
    He gazed at himself,
    too busy for the lost art
    of humility.
  32. the citizen kane of animated film
    Man finds singing frog
    but lacks business plan. Puts him
    back in cornerstone.
  33. the truth about cats and dogs
    Bulldog finds kitten,
    fosters her while suspecting
    human makes cookies.
  34. wagner writ looney
    Rabbit on fat horse
    outwits Viking wielding spear
    and magic helmet.
  35. blue notes
    The air is heavy
    and my limbs are heavy and
    I can’t get started.
  36. you click, they deliver
    Army of drivers
    arrives with groceries, dry
    cleaning and diapers.
  37. comfort food questionnaire
    Crunchy or smooth pea-
    nut butter? Strawberry or
    grape jelly? Toasted?
  38. the round earth society
    Despite all of the
    evidence, some place their faith
    in a world made flat.
  39. if elation lasts more than 4 hours
    Laughing at oneself?
    Pre-existing condition,
    high deductible.
  40. rock on comedy
    The high point of a
    great routine is the silent
    anticipation.
  41. natural invasion
    The rainfall outside
    echoes the lone ceiling drip
    inside plop for plop.
  42. spring has arrived
    Across the city
    came the good news in barks and
    chirps and shouts and sighs.
  43. the perfect bracket
    Strength of schedule plus
    hot streaks, seeding, some luck and
    a touch of madness.
  44. the rationale
    The plan is to do
    whatever I feel at the
    ongoing moment.
  45. everything’s coming up russian
    You’ll be rich. You’ll be
    strong. Gonna have Putin rule
    for so long. Da! Da!
  46. distress signal
    A candle, barely
    aflame with a wisp of smoke
    and unsteady wick.
  47. may third fool’s day
    Real pranksters wouldn’t
    pick the most obvious day
    to unleash mayhem.
  48. negging the magic city
    Pretty cool statue,
    what’s with the ass worship and
    the misshapen leg?
  49. the online world of hucksterism
    Read the wonderful
    free financial, medical
    and legal advice.
  50. surviving the late 2010s
    Comfort food, comfort
    television, therapy
    dog, fuzzy bathrobe.
  51. to sleep, perchance to rest
    The clock, a silent
    sentinel, marks the hours
    till dawn’s weary light.
  52. pain points
    The pill makes it all
    go away, the suffering,
    aches and family.
  53. self-devaluation
    Are we able to
    cast as critical an eye
    at us as others?
  54. smells like villainy
    When will the outright
    snatching of infants’ noses
    be stopped in its tracks?
  55. arthouse anguish
    Documentary
    so depressing, I’m in tears
    from the beginning.
  56. the next step is always the hardest
    We can hold fast, or
    shuffle off to the side, or
    soberly mark time.
  57. the love song of r. julian bentley
    I put my hands on
    your breasts and just pull you real
    close. I love that, too.
  58. a new day, a new leader
    In Alabama,
    we shed corrupt officials
    to bring in worse ones.
  59. all’s well in trumpland
    Our leader is smart
    and strong. We’re thriving and free.
    All’s well in Trumpland.
  60. no fate but what we make
    The pen is in our
    hand. For us, the next chapter
    is to be written.
  61. meditation instruction
    Sit, knees below waist.
    Breathe in, eyes open, breathe out.
    Repeat until wise.
  62. bunny was here
    Scampering offspring
    search high and low for brightly
    painted orbs of hens.
  63. the baker has gone home
    Racks, once brimming with
    golden confections, offer
    nothing more than crumbs.
  64. the unseen forces of nature
    The wind that powers
    the boat also fuels fire
    and kicks up downpours.
  65. canine-one-one
    A dog from the streets
    teams up with prisoner to
    help disabled man.
  66. the promise of live video
    The chance to see our
    selves as the despicable
    animals we are.
  67. beyond calculus
    Mom has to perform
    complex equations to make
    ends meet just barely.
  68. all’s well in dixieland
    Our governance is
    spotless. We feast like kings. All’s
    well in Dixieland.
  69. soldiers in lab coats
    The people cried out:
    “We don’t want to know the truth!”
    Science marches on.
  70. augmented inebriation
    I want a headset
    that shows virtual arrows
    to the nearest bar.
  71. periodic fable
    They can have science
    when they pry it from my cold
    dead robotic hands.
  72. the joke’s on us
    When reality
    is stranger than fiction, laugh
    at the sane and meek.
  73. happy happy joy joy
    The key is to seek
    joy and purpose with each step.
    Or drink heavily.
  74. one day at a time
    She stared at the wine
    bottle. Sighed. Folded her hands.
    Stared at it and prayed.
  75. global broiling
    If you can’t stand the
    heat, get out of the kitchen
    known as Planet Earth.
  76. too much happy
    A day so packed with
    activities you almost
    forget to (gasp!) breathe.
  77. before the battery dies
    Return texts, check the
    game score, take one more selfie
    and call in sick to
  78. talk o’ tuesday
    Celebrate with a
    hard shell and a soft shell and
    mucho, mucho cheese.
  79. crushing dissent
    Round up the trouble-
    makers. Run them over, or
    fire the tear gas.
  80. a recipe for pound cake
    A pound of sugar,
    flour, eggs and butter, mixed,
    baked, cooled and eaten.
  81. premium deluxe
    The only good health
    insurance plan is to be
    born super wealthy.
  82. the real world awaits
    Gowns tossed aside, caps
    flung in joy, time to get to
    work and pay off loans.
  83. a baser muse
    Inspiration comes
    in the form of hungry kids
    and overdue bills.
  84. the icing remained silent
    From the break room, the
    lone cupcake cried, “Won’t someone
    fill their void with me?”
  85. artificial enchantment
    Are spambots really
    that bad if they’re livelier
    than most real people?
  86. where there’s smoke
    The guilty party
    must protest his innocence
    loudly and often.
  87. always on
    The performer seeks
    a spotlight, the chance to shine
    brighter than his peers.
  88. the art of bart
    I didn’t do it,
    no one saw me do it, you
    can’t prove anything!
  89. the allure of the screen
    The brightness of the
    vision matches the brightness
    of that teen’s phone screen.
  90. ticking clock syndrome
    Getting it done, though
    our hours are better spent
    away from deadlines.
  91. ego jiu-jitsu
    Laugh at yourself and
    join the crowd. Self-mockery
    is unmatchable.
  92. zip car
    Impatient driver
    swerves around snails and turtles
    to save a minute.
  93. mash texts
    u r soo adorbs
    no u r sooo totes adorbs
    x o x o x
  94. embroiled
    A corruption so
    deep even the crooks hold their
    noses in disgust.
  95. a visit from the depression fairy
    She comes at bedtime,
    seated comfortably on
    my tightening chest.
  96. we don’t deserve dogs
    Happy wagging tails
    attached to slobber machines
    of joy and friendship.
  97. clink the glasses
    Share words of welcome,
    of hopes and of good tidings
    and clink the glasses.
  98. the cap and gown crowd
    They shed their new robes
    to spread their wings. Ready to
    soar without guidance.
  99. the stranger wearing the gold medal
    She won the race in
    sandals, driven by beer, smart
    running and pure will.
  100. four photos
    First, intrigued. Second,
    smitten. Third, curiouser.
    Fourth, head over heels.
  101. driverless bumper cars
    They smack into each
    other with maximum force
    while kids play on phones.

• • •

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Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 41

Monday, February 13th, 2017

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  1. business class karaoke
    A selection of
    Sting hits and white wine spritzers
    for a few bucks more.
  2. mystical origin
    “Doctor Strange” best scene?
    When the radioactive
    magician bites him.
  3. poll watcher
    This is a test that
    allows cheating: Copy off
    of my ballot, please.
  4. put up, show up, count up
    One vote, your vote, could
    make a difference. But only
    if you turn it in.
  5. the political minority
    To be commander
    in chief requires little
    more than white power.
  6. star-spangled spectacle
    This election has
    certainly brought out the best
    in us, hasn’t it?
  7. the fight goes on
    We can learn so much
    from vets, especially now
    we are all soldiers.
  8. so heavy a hidden burden
    Guilt corrupted his
    love into a force for his
    misguided penance.
  9. dixie is burning
    Precipitation
    has no participation
    in irrigation.
  10. denigration by any means necessary
    Racism is like
    pornography: I will know
    it when I see it.
  11. surge of the non-believers
    They attack non-whites
    and non-men to make their cruel
    non-points about hate.
  12. politics 2016
    Vicious attacks. Cruel
    policy. Lie outright. It’s
    how the game is played.
  13. dry spell after dry spell
    A single raindrop
    ended the long drought, starting
    a new one for months.
  14. no soul required
    Nothing ever dies
    when poisonous nostalgia
    takes on zombie form.
  15. in good company
    Settling in for
    a winter of good books, good
    wine and alone time.
  16. the new job market
    Safe space officer.
    Reality host turned prez.
    Helicopter bro.
  17. this little piggy went to market.com
    See services ship.
    Click, buy, click, buy. Shop, Jane, shop.
    Scurry, drones, scurry.
  18. bulletproof funny bone
    If we don’t shoot the
    court jester first, we’re in for
    some hilarity.
  19. expect the unexpected
    Let hope fly out the
    window. Receive candid views
    and misguided help.
  20. around the big table
    Pass the cornbread, pie,
    turkey, gravy, dressing, rolls,
    green beans, cranberries …
  21. a dose of black friday
    Can a new blender
    make family squabbling and
    job stress go away?
  22. plus al’s pancake world
    Visit Stars Hollow
    for its new sewer system
    and its free parking.
  23. beyond borders
    Each tribe shuddered at
    unity and withdrew to
    a safer distance.
  24. water water nowhere
    Please take this gift of
    a single raindrop and share
    it among millions.
  25. the world’s most popular dish
    Two parts hydrogen,
    one part oxygen. Serve fresh
    from cloud containers.
  26. the conditions today and tomorrow
    Drought and wildfires
    to tornados, thunderstorms
    and flash floods like that.
  27. dust bowl
    Miles of scorched earth in
    a forest of parched pines, all
    subject to a spark.
  28. prescription for downfall
    Demonize your foe.
    Let no one reach you with love
    or reason or trust.
  29. hard times in rural arctica
    Many out-of-work
    elves make ends meet with odd jobs
    and reindeer poaching.
  30. look up and fall
    As you drop from the
    plane, your body spins through the
    crushing roar of sky.
  31. canopy deployed
    See the land stretch out
    forever, looming larger
    while drifting along.
  32. disinformationally misinformed
    We made up stuff to
    terrify ourselves and now
    we do it for you.
  33. ripped from the headlines
    Tight race now for the
    Pulitzer in the cate-
    gory of fake news.
  34. making biscuits
    Pat the dough with a
    gentle touch, then cut it up
    with a jelly jar.
  35. burn all the teachers
    Education ain’t
    taught me nothin’ ‘cept how book
    learnin’ don’t pay bills.
  36. bodies at rest
    Delightful slumber
    awakens rejuvena-
    tion in every cell.
  37. walk it off
    Whether a mild sprain,
    wind knocked out of you or a
    severe concussion.
  38. the price of binging
    Do we savor when
    we gorge upon things meant to
    be consumed slowly?
  39. that counts
    The best gift giver
    in the world relaxed with his
    loud ties and cheap mugs.
  40. rip 2016
    Yes, the Grim Reaper
    loves meeting celebrities
    and boosting their fame.
  41. to ramble
    Let passion burst forth
    as a torrent of pretty
    words and swift musings.
  42. may the franchise be with you
    I’ll probably live
    to see another 50
    more “Star Wars” movies.
  43. why should meatbags have all the fun?
    Let’s hope some of the
    self-driving cars weave in and
    out of tight traffic.
  44. out of towels
    Throw it in once the
    day is done, the game is lost,
    and all hope is gone.
  45. the mad dash
    Delivery missed.
    Last-minute shopping trip with
    big crowds and no time.
  46. flavors of friendship
    Animals can out-
    fox biology; humans
    can’t trounce bigotry.
  47. peace on earthlings
    The stillness comes form
    within. A breath, a moment,
    a pause to reflect.
  48. five minutes in heaven
    No more nerves, no more
    palpitations. Feeling all
    at once and nothing.
  49. strength from passivity
    Thoughts come and go. Pain
    subsides. Future and past are
    acknowledged. All is.
  50. a preview of the 2017 holiday season
    Anyone caught with
    the Christmas spirit will be
    held in detention.
  51. in lieu of snow
    May all your days be
    merry and bright. May all your
    Christmases be white.
  52. tis better to give in than to regift
    The return isn’t
    an unkindness but the best
    do-over we get.
  53. as the night goes
    Darkness creeps along
    the edges of the homestead,
    wants to be let in.
  54. the fisher queen
    The princess of the
    galaxy, force of wit and
    charm, long may she reign.
  55. reapin’ ain’t easy
    Grim comes with the job,
    but some years are a bounty
    of celebrity.
  56. business causal
    The frenemies in
    the office were catty, but
    in a polite way.
  57. it’s almost midnight somewhere
    Live each day like it’s
    the last day of the year: in
    a rush to party.
  58. never too early to break some resolutions
    We’ll all be a tad
    leaner, thriftier, calmer,
    taller, nicer. … Nah.
  59. selling points
    If you like features
    that up the price but not the
    fun, check out this deal …
  60. lies, all lies
    Everyone talks a-
    bout fake news, but no one does
    a thing about it.
  61. dash it all
    The GPS voice
    told him, “Drive recklessly,” and
    he blindly followed.
  62. you know those lights were bright on broadway
    There are not many
    who remember. They say a
    handful still survive.
  63. asynchronous communication
    I called. She emailed
    back. I tried a text. And then
    she faxed me over.
  64. precipitation buffet
    Rain falls more harshly
    as ice pellets, more gently
    as dainty snowflakes.
  65. shut-ins for life
    Drones drop off supplies,
    while we binge-watch everything.
    What’s cabin fever?
  66. the limits of family togetherness
    Maybe the kids can
    color for the next few days:
    books, walls, whatever.
  67. hurry up, climate change
    My Southern chalet
    will triple in value as
    a beachfront cottage.
  68. don’t matter
    Vaccines, lady parts,
    qualifications, gay folk,
    people of color.
  69. does matter
    Money, self-interest,
    power, revenge, privilege,
    winning arguments.
  70. defining moment
    A chance to focus
    on the things that matter while
    discarding nonsense.
  71. washington or bust
    Cheer on the peaceful
    change of power or decry
    the ruler to be.
  72. words, actions and change
    In Birmingham, John
    Lewis and Freedom Riders
    were met with brute force.
  73. a legacy of vigilance
    Do we stand with King
    in working toward a more
    inclusive future?
  74. the diner at the end of the world
    A long wait, but the
    flapjacks and burgers are worth
    the armageddon.
  75. all winter in a day 2017
    The snowman waited
    for Margot till he dropped from
    hyperthermia.
  76. may all your days be circus days
    The clowns shed some tears.
    The trapeze artists flip out.
    The ringmaster bows.
  77. america, my home sweet home
    From the mountains to
    the prairies to the oceans
    white with foam, God bless.
  78. rockin’ in the free world
    A warnin’ sign on
    the road ahead … sayin’ we’d
    be better off dead.
  79. finally the tables are starting to turn
    Don’t you know, talkin’
    ’bout a revolution. It
    sounds like a whisper.
  80. this haiku kills fascists
    As they stood there, I
    stood there asking, Is this land
    made for you and me?
  81. a strange and bitter crop
    Pastoral scene of
    the gallant South: the bulging
    eyes and twisted mouth.
  82. can’t bring myself to do what it is you think i should
    Too late to make it
    right. Probably wouldn’t if
    I could. ‘Cause I’m mad.
  83. make love, smoke kush, try to laugh hard and live long
    That’s the antidote.
    You defeat the devil when
    you hold on to hope.
  84. shortcuts to shortcuts
    Soon, we will be so
    efficient that pushing a
    button is too much.
  85. the newer colossus
    I come from a pair
    of immigrant parents. Born
    here, waving in more.
  86. america the dutiful
    We are a young and
    sometimes foolish country, but
    we may just yet shine.
  87. were all those harry potter books for naught?
    World of magic to
    guide us against fear and hate.
    Rowling is brassed off.
  88. a piteous domain
    And when he saw the
    breadth, he wept for there were no
    more worlds to ruin.
  89. ready, aim, splatter
    Paint on my floor, my
    clothes, my hands, my toes, my hair
    and some on the walls.
  90. actions, not words
    Don’t argue. Do. Don’t
    simmer. Do. Don’t hesitate.
    Do. Don’t matter? Do.
  91. a hasty virtual retreat
    I am leaving this
    group text message, and I am
    never coming back.
  92. paperback stall
    The faded bookmark
    patiently waits for progress
    amidst the pages.
  93. catlike reflexes
    Go to the party
    or stay in? Go out or stay
    in? Go or stay? Hmm …
  94. the future of health care
    Laughter is the best
    medicine available
    to uninsured groups.
  95. push for this, push for that
    The add-on buttons
    on the fridge summon extra
    diapers, funds causes.
  96. platinum cabinet
    The plutocratic
    cabal made sure to rob more
    from the poor each day.
  97. upon reflection
    We see ourselves in
    lies more damaging than those
    in any mirror.
  98. absurdly awake
    While away the late
    night with light tossing, heavy
    turning, ugly dawn.
  99. coping strategies
    Wine, deep breathing, walks
    outside, comfort food, screaming
    into a pillow.
  100. the 17 most offensive syllables you’ll read today
    I wrote this poem
    without any regard for
    the clicks it will get.
  101. the secrets of the kitchen
    All the recipes
    look so good. After a pause,
    they went for takeout.

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Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 40

Friday, November 4th, 2016

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  1. an addiction to spines
    What fresh novella
    or biography awaits
    a hearty reading?
  2. bid romance
    O my Luve is like
    a red, red state that’s barely
    solvent in July.
  3. your shows of shows
    Old American
    proverb: May you live in peak
    television times.
  4. a pillar of man
    He alone took on
    responsibility of
    fulfillment and self.
  5. the greatness of america
    The greatness of our
    country can be found in such
    grand diversity.
  6. crack the books
    The nightmare is the
    same: Get to class on time and
    prepare for lecture.
  7. the shakespeare of u up
    I want to include
    a lot of smart-sounding words
    into my texting.
  8. pitched, but with 3d
    A band of misfits
    finds nothing in common and
    goes its separate ways.
  9. floss leader
    Take better care of
    your teeth by running a string
    between them daily.
  10. sermon on the dismount
    These are my beliefs,
    he thus declared to no one
    in particular.
  11. a parade of nations
    The world is both im-
    possibly gigantic and
    charmingly cozy.
  12. the year without a garden
    He harvested crops
    from the frozen food aisle at
    the supermarket.
  13. the ultimate olympic sport
    Competitors used
    to winning learn anew: to
    take defeat in stride.
  14. the home team
    Proud parents shout with
    joy as athletic offspring
    take the podium.
  15. my never-ending stories
    I’m here to watch peak
    TV and kick ass, and I
    can’t ever tune out.
  16. four-drone garage
    One to check on the
    kids, one for weekends, one for
    off-road, one for spite.
  17. tabby taste tester
    A paw drops into
    the glass for a quick sip of
    the drink he’s having.
  18. 200m sharks
    Swimmers churn the tank
    with sturdy strokes, a violent
    contest back and forth.
  19. explosions from the sky
    The fury above
    comes with a sudden onset
    of black sky and gusts.
  20. chew on that
    Wasn’t the future
    of food supposed to be all
    things in gummy form?
  21. the escape
    All week, they had dreamt
    of driving fast and far from
    the chains of despair.
  22. 21st-century foxes
    The true tastemakers
    and who’s who appear only
    on Warhol’s Snapchat.
  23. it came from over the mountain
    The creature from the
    monochromatic suburb
    oozes privilege.
  24. wedding on football saturday
    The bride wore her mom’s
    sleek dress. The groom wore earbuds
    and a haunted look.
  25. explain yourself in 17 syllables
    Studious ball of
    sarcasm bundled with wit
    in a slim package.
  26. triple threat
    I like triathlon’s
    efficiency: I can suck
    in three sports at once.
  27. trust no one
    Bury your feelings
    and plow on with no regard
    for consequences.
  28. back to school for parents
    Moms and dads smiled wide
    as they shipped their hellions
    to the mental mines.
  29. back to school for teachers
    World’s Greatest Teacher
    mug filled with coffee and a
    shot of cheap whiskey.
  30. back to school for kids
    The pain of sitting
    in class after class with just
    Snapchat and texting.
  31. what is a haiku?
    A momentary
    look into the eternal
    and the familiar.
  32. to-don’t list
    A bucket list, but
    for dolts to avoid and chores
    to put off each time.
  33. aural assault
    Nonstop hits with a
    little patter, plus speaker
    phones and videos.
  34. baking challenge
    An even surface
    that rises and stays risen
    with a golden hue.
  35. operator in distress
    Every office chair
    has a lever that does the
    opposite of aim.
  36. ice cream over jogging
    The best feeling in
    life is procrastination.
    The worst? Comeuppance.
  37. what’s blue and green and in the red?
    It takes 1.6
    Earths to supply our needs for
    1 Earth year. Doomed days.
  38. the fading of the crickets
    The chirping at dusk
    becomes the prelude to a
    cool breeze sonata.
  39. greetings from the insect world
    Though minuscule, the
    sting from a lone wasp carries
    a feisty message.
  40. uniform of the modern man
    A beard and a man
    bun, and maybe a need to
    radiate hipness.
  41. working for a living
    An abundance of
    productivity but an
    absence of raises.
  42. in trek we trust
    Bones, Kirk and Spock, the
    23rd century’s most
    holy trinity.
  43. generation next
    A French captain sails
    the galactic waves with both
    Klingon and android.
  44. golden trekiversary
    Its 50-year mis-
    sion: To boldly go where no
    one has gone before.
  45. the pair of docks at terok nor
    The darkest series
    offered the brightest stories
    set in deep space? Fine.
  46. janeway to the danger zone
    The homing pigeon
    takes a long detour through the
    vast Delta Quadrant.
  47. the journey of a thousand light years
    A quantum leap back
    to the Federation’s past,
    Enterprise’s launch.
  48. trek’s next fifty
    Rebooted movies
    and a new prequel TV
    series, and us fans.
  49. a nation of addicts and users
    Legalized pot keeps
    some mellow. Forbidden smack
    keeps many captive.
  50. the lobbyist
    On behalf of the
    tyke faction, she demands hugs
    and later bedtimes.
  51. the artificial tooth
    Natural? Passé.
    They now come in gold, silver,
    ceramic and blue.
  52. patterns
    Creatures of habit
    rarely stray from the path that
    gives comfort and fare.
  53. tanks a lot
    Southern wilderness
    doused with unleaded poison.
    Man 1, nature zip.
  54. tube tops
    An atom beheld
    by an angelic muse to
    celebrate TV.
  55. sandy claws
    Red-shelled beast sashays
    on scorching gold dunes, always
    ready in a pinch.
  56. man upping
    I like to manspread
    while mansplaining for maxi-
    mum manfficiency.
  57. the truth about time travel
    Probably not to
    go back and kill dictators
    but to pick up chicks.
  58. notes of discontent
    The anthem moves us
    to hands on hearts and knees on
    ground. Long live freedom.
  59. also, more testing
    Let’s fix broken schools
    by setting kids on fire
    and buying iPads.
  60. the new autumn
    Pumpkin spice smoothies,
    90-degree hayrides and
    Thanksgiving heat stroke.
  61. renovation pains
    Rehabbing a room
    is more than burning cash. It’s
    smashing your thumb, too.
  62. death takes a working holiday
    The big names got called
    to heaven in droves, a true
    cultural affair.
  63. immune to suffering
    The bus rider next
    to me is in her private
    hell. I turn the page.
  64. legalization aftermath
    More addicts or less,
    more pain or less, more wrecks or
    less, more cons or less?
  65. the city too busy to love
    New faces take on
    the old roles of corruption,
    greed, mismanagement.
  66. self-driving deloreans
    No child of mine is
    ever getting a license
    or taking the wheel.
  67. binge listening
    Taking in the whole
    Beatles discography play-
    ing all 12 at once.
  68. this is fine
    I’m OK with the
    events that are unfolding
    currently. takes sip

  69. fall in a blink
    Still hot. Still very
    hot. When will it stop? Just cool
    enough. Nope, too cold.
  70. the wake-up call
    The ringing left him
    with the vaguest sense of not
    belonging at all.
  71. according to schedule
    I have a Nobel
    Prize in Skyrim, two hot wives
    and a bitchin’ Dodge.
  72. game of phones
    They hunted a pack
    of virtual monsters with
    nothing more than apps.
  73. driven to distraction
    The muse couldn’t be
    heard over the constant din
    of beeps and ringtones.
  74. all the news that’s fit to like
    Shady sources give
    titillating details to
    close-minded readers.
  75. guys’ guys
    Jocks brag on conquests
    while snapping towels, and the
    locker room cringes.
  76. polling place banter
    And when you’re a vot-
    er, you can grab them by the
    box. The ballot box.
  77. fear of a double x planet
    Beneath the quiet
    strength of the fairer sex lies
    screaming agony.
  78. minus one
    The most fun that an
    introvert can have is not
    showing up ever.
  79. a man’s reach shouldn’t exceed his grope
    Never have such ti-
    ny hands caused so much deep e-
    motional damage.
  80. the sordid truth about haiku
    They often forget
    nature. They’re spawned by brains that
    fly unsupervised.
  81. fan cam
    Some nervously peer
    at the outfield, some scroll through
    phones for score updates.
  82. the others
    Those not on our side
    must be demonized for the
    sake of the children.
  83. onscreen personas
    More Facebookers hit
    Live on their phones to show who
    they really are not.
  84. meditation on the train ride home
    Breathe in the stench of
    stale coffee and fatigue. Breathe
    out the hopelessness.
  85. 300 seconds in space
    Lungs wrap themselves round
    cream puffs of gas. Blood oozes
    through long corridors.
  86. genie in a bit
    Off to make dinner
    reservations or hail an
    Uber with a swipe.
  87. no costume needed
    Why hunt for candy
    when the Easter Bunny and
    Santa deliver?
  88. fear factor
    Everyday horrors
    overshadow the monsters
    just under the bed.
  89. ultimate indicator
    we chat w quik txts
    and emoji b4 the
    battery hits 0
  90. children of the candy corn
    Technically escapes
    the trick clause and punishes
    youngsters with foul treats.
  91. double playwright
    Even Shakespeare needs
    a reliever when the acts
    are loaded, pen balks.
  92. basic necessities
    A passing grade was
    all that was needed, and still
    the grown pupil failed.
  93. parched country
    No rain for weeks, no
    relief from heat, the bounty
    of fall has shriveled.
  94. golden rule of business
    You either set some-
    one up to succeed, or you
    set them up to fail.
  95. tonight or Monday
    Orthodox vs.
    reform Halloween converts
    ponder date for treats.
  96. perpetual standstill
    We always have the
    time to fall behind more and
    more. Takes no effort.
  97. the true meaning of halloween
    A holiday that
    teaches us to be fearful
    only of figments.
  98. peak election
    A raft of shocking
    revelations as voters
    tune out and stay home.
  99. gluten-free fortunes
    You will live a long
    and healthy life with little
    flavor and no spice.
  100. quenched
    Cubbies dancing in
    victory after long drought.
    Maybe next year, Tribe.
  101. the monster at the end of this stanza
    Despite all warnings,
    we want to see the grotesque
    beast. And it is us.

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Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 39

Tuesday, July 26th, 2016

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  1. the paradox of southern hospitality
    Carpetbagger scribes
    and activists come down to
    save us from ourselves.
  2. trolls nameless and otherwise
    Anonymity
    is not the source of hatred.
    A fetid heart is.
  3. basic dreams of sweets and breads
    I think ahead to
    cheat day, but also cheat days
    past and their menus.
  4. a creed for us
    We let go, we move
    on. We dream big, we fall hard.
    We hope and we help.
  5. earth day eve
    A pine tree decked with
    pine cones and live squirrels to mark
    the birth of our world.
  6. i would die for you
    I’m not your lover,
    not your friend, I’m something you’ll
    never comprehend.
  7. a shared culture
    Our scarce reactions
    as a society hide
    themselves as mourning.
  8. the afternoon cookout
    All we can ask for
    is a little shared time with
    friends and family.
  9. the modern diet
    Food products that can
    be consumed in the car or
    at a desk by hand.
  10. the furtive chunks of progress
    Speaking up is a
    bold act. As is letting your
    guard down, and smiling.
  11. april 27, 2011
    Hell on Earth comes as
    a barrage of furious
    tornados and storms.
  12. ice cream for breakfast
    Cool morning treat, plus
    an opportunity for
    bacon as dessert.
  13. a fading star
    He saw beloved
    faces at every turn, yet
    could not name a one.
  14. the haunted house on perry street
    No one fondled the
    randy geezer stuck in the
    governor’s mansion.
  15. julian’s katrina
    Like Dubya, he flew
    high above the ruins of
    his land without care.
  16. committed adultery in his heart many times
    What does it take to
    drive off a wife of 50
    years? Look out with lust.
  17. love to feel them titles
    Tuscaloosa, tops
    in gymnastics, football and
    cheating governors.
  18. the ballad of han solo
    A divorced war vet
    with a no-good brat, junked ship
    and restless Wookiee.
  19. follow the instructions
    Deviating from
    the rules is not allowed. Why
    not stick to the norm?
  20. dear fellow moviegoer
    Turning on your phone
    during the film gives me a
    bad retinal burn.
  21. let the grownups talk
    Adulting isn’t
    just a stupid word but a
    stupid concept, too.
  22. garage sale badge
    Test of salesmanship:
    Unloading a futon for
    almost the same price.
  23. the letters unsent
    Unwritten words stay
    off reams of stationery,
    frozen and silent.
  24. dance like several people are watching
    Staying on your toes,
    regulating your rhythm,
    keeping up your smile.
  25. kneel before sod
    Grassy transplants hid
    the scalp of the ya waiting
    for rain and chipmunks.
  26. the forever echo
    Reaching out, he would
    pick up on a faint pulse, then
    lose it in the hush.
  27. familiar steps into the unknown
    Take my hand and don’t
    let go. Close your eyes, follow
    your heart and breathe deep.
  28. tactile beings
    A reality
    composed of stamps, bullfrogs, milk,
    paper and kisses.
  29. life in the 21st century
    A combination
    of notifications, memes
    and medications.
  30. bob’s -30-
    A great reporter
    but also a great human
    all in one body.
  31. keep birmingham weird
    Renegade skaters
    hunt artisanal popsicles
    and hoppy craft beers.
  32. with lyrics by the cakehole
    The best songs come from
    the diaphragm with support
    from the trachea.
  33. best behavior
    An illusion of
    camaraderie with a
    hint of courtesy.
  34. up with down-ballot
    Who’s president does
    matter, but who occupies
    lower posts counts more.
  35. white sauce is the devil
    Chicken, grilled or smoked,
    deserves a tangy red coat.
    White is for the birds.
  36. the birmingham style of pit barbecue
    Vinegar with a
    hint of sweet, over pulled pork
    and sometimes chicken.
  37. know your fixins
    Corn muffins is a
    side. Mac and cheese is a veg-
    gie. Pie is a side.
  38. not on my paper plate
    A dry rub is not
    for me. Nor is mustard sauce
    or straight smokiness.
  39. butts on the night shift
    The pitmaster woke
    several times to check the heat
    and meat before dawn.
  40. next to the cartoon pig
    Look for a shack in
    the woods with a smiling cook
    and surly waitress.
  41. the backyard crew
    Cheers to the weekend
    grillers and their smokers and
    charcoal and slow heat.
  42. the modern litmus test
    Decoding a friend’s
    serial vaguebooking by
    one and all watching.
  43. the doctor will misdiagnose you now
    You’re either three months
    pregnant or suffering from
    a case of scurvy.
  44. the battle done
    Lay down your arms and
    re weary soldier. The war
    rages on and on.
  45. on top of everything else
    The stout newcomer
    irked the nudist colonists
    with his rakish hat.
  46. overthinking and underrating
    The Yelp rating is
    two stars but the line is all
    the way down the block.
  47. the modern seamstress
    Hands full with thread and
    needle, stitching up a storm
    while rocking the tats.
  48. while birmingham rots
    The crooked don’t see
    themselves as crooked, but as
    some goddamned saviors.
  49. prick us, do we not bloviate?
    Crowdsourcing your woes
    leads to one truth needle in
    a pompous haystack.
  50. the sidewalk fit for domesticated hikers
    The urban trail ends
    at the corner of Starbucks
    and homeless beggars.
  51. kitchen magic
    A sprinkle of this,
    a heap of that and a knack
    for subtle flavors.
  52. a talent for escape
    They left to seek their
    fortunes elsewhere, weary of
    broken promises.
  53. what pugs find hilarious
    Barking dogs laugh at
    me while I pull weeds and tend
    the overgrown yard.
  54. 500 yards shy
    Computer map, why
    didn’t you warn us about
    the fault in our way?
  55. a streak of lazy
    Wash the car, clean the
    house, darn the socks, feed the dog.
    Or take a long nap.
  56. ethics is a four-letter word
    Speaker of the house
    goes to the big house after
    house of cards crumbles.
  57. do what you hate
    A prescription for
    a long, dull life, but one that
    avoids temptations.
  58. trouble brewing
    We live in a place
    of guns and hatred. We are
    addicted to both.
  59. the 26th mile
    Her lungs burned with each
    labored step, her legs struggling
    with locomotion.
  60. missing in transit
    Grandma’s care package
    made it through Midwest to some
    lucky bastard’s house.
  61. ghoul’s fold
    The paper caved in
    on itself to reveal a
    hideous duckling.
  62. journey of the crafted crane
    Is the art in the
    folding, or in transforming
    trees into paper?
  63. crease and desist
    The artist bends the
    sheet to his will, a surface
    becomes a sculpture.
  64. patterns of misbehavior
    The crime of being
    mediocre is: It’s how
    it’s always been done.
  65. a conversation about mores
    Do it this way and
    remain unharmed. Do it that
    way and pay the price.
  66. the ballad of mike hubbard
    The most powerful
    hillbilly in hillbilly
    land pled for big bucks.
  67. the carefree days of summer
    Arts camp plus gluten-
    free snacks with cram sessions and
    optional screen time.
  68. to reach the unreachable fan
    To tweet the impos-
    sible update. To troll the
    untrollable troll.
  69. terms and conditions
    Spelling it out makes
    little difference if you
    are averse to words.
  70. there goes the continent
    A revolt among
    the masses reminds all who
    rules Britannia.
  71. so are the days of our lives
    Solar, lunar, fis-
    cal, broadca Julian, He-
    brew, Gregorian …
  72. hungry for perspectives
    Right or wrong, old or
    young, traditional or mod,
    let’s take it all in.
  73. instead of mockery, try
    Applause for those who
    make the effort, who try new
    things, who grow and grow.
  74. on hold for 20 minutes
    Compromise is the
    bargain we make with ourselves
    while raging inside.
  75. and also the humidity
    There’s hot, and then there’s
    Alabama hot. Let’s fly
    to the sun and chill.
  76. warm up the grill
    The burgers go here,
    the steaks there, with room for hot
    dogs, pork and chicken.
  77. hints of gunpowder and awe
    Double-wide trailer,
    a firecracker heaven
    along the highway.
  78. the king of boors
    America is
    more than just a crummy beer
    named America.
  79. be a firework
    Hail independence
    by showing up for duty
    on Nov. 8.
  80. a battle of wits
    Can’t win with trolling,
    snark, sarcasm or logic.
    Win with pure laughter.
  81. humans of birmingham
    The photographer
    takes a blurry shot of grads
    before fleeing town.
  82. the second-best medicine
    For all-around aches
    and injuries, probably
    some penicillin.
  83. and now i can’t breathe
    Someone told me she’s
    OK with cops murdering
    500 people.
  84. when you’re ready to give up
    Everything’s pointless
    nothing really matters and
    oh look, a puppy!
  85. the big day under the knife
    Her birthday suit is
    a hospital gown, and her
    cake is Jell-O cups.
  86. reboot or sleep
    No matter how hot
    the shower or the coffee,
    the mind won’t stay woke.
  87. triangle park
    A green wedge houses
    both the spiral slide and the
    rectangular bench.
  88. lost and untethered
    Do we shout even
    louder or march in protest?
    What’s a soul to do?
  89. the perfect counterfeit
    Alike in every
    way, down to the annoying
    smudge and ghastly flaws.
  90. the unreceding recession
    So many workers
    wanted jobs that they’d jump at
    any opening.
  91. the feckless coup
    Soldiers strike to take
    a government away from
    their society.
  92. competitive spirit
    What binds the workers
    together, hatred of the
    rivals or the boss?
  93. sizzling jam
    For rhythm, for rock,
    for fellowship, for beer, for
    fun and for summer.
  94. the broken library
    Rainwater drips on
    defenseless books, stairwells as
    the sole escape routes.
  95. the open is mightier than the sword
    To ward off a fierce
    storm with nothing more than a
    sturdy umbrella.
  96. the turtle hunt
    A parade of shells
    ambles ever so slowly
    down the beach at dusk.
  97. blockhead syndrome
    It’s the jerks that need
    the most help and hardest to
    rehabilitate.
  98. the truest believer
    Always fell in line.
    Always believed his bosses.
    Always came in last.
  99. the squeeze machine
    A full-body hug
    without the intricacies
    of human contact.
  100. the quest for positive
    He saw the world as
    broken and aimed to heal it
    with positive acts.
  101. a sprinkle on top
    Each dollop of fresh
    batter received a sprinkle
    of sugar for fun.

• • •

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Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 38

Saturday, April 16th, 2016

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  1. resolution no. 329
    To reserve judgment
    on fellow human beings.
    (Pre-judgment OK.)
  2. after the first workweek
    Let’s have a beer or
    two to celebrate the first
    of many long grinds.
  3. they get it from us
    Tantrums rarely suit
    adults, who seem to throw them
    more often than kids.
  4. a storm’s a comin’
    A rumble on the
    distant horizon, flashes
    in the darkened sky.
  5. states of consciousness
    Are we grateful for
    mindfulness? Are we mindful
    of our gratitude?
  6. deepest freeze
    No escape from the
    winter’s chill, the sharp, stabbing
    gusts of icy wind.
  7. fantasy kitchen
    A scaly dragon
    for an oven, a porpoise
    for a dishwasher.
  8. words for next to nothing
    Cheap phrases power
    an info-society
    to barely knowing.
  9. men in trees
    Limb by limb, the old
    oak came apart, guided by
    upright apes with saws.
  10. the tumor
    A cell. Then many
    more. A betrayal of the
    sneakiest order.
  11. the treatment
    Poisons as potions.
    Noxious liquids and hidden
    death rays here to help.
  12. the aftermath
    A missing breast. A
    partial lung. And a guarded
    outlook. Or the end.
  13. the mayor-council act of 1955
    The fiefdom felt no
    pressure to change, no voters
    to keep satisfied.
  14. peak radio
    Stations from coast to
    coast. Streaming services with
    indentured artists.
  15. a mass of cells
    Divide and conquer,
    you tiny cell. Become a
    gift unto the world.
  16. an estimate of reality
    The doctor will see
    you shortly. A service charge
    will be included.
  17. the invisible locomotive
    Belligerent gales
    batter trees, topple people
    and roar through the night.
  18. the reverse muse
    People who don’t write
    spew forth word salad brought on
    by semi-formed thoughts.
  19. by the morsel
    Dishes of dim sum
    glided past with promises
    of bliss in each bite.
  20. super friendly warm-hearted neighborhood
    Greeted at the store,
    in the pews, at the diner,
    at the shooting range.
  21. sugar sugar
    The sweet stuff hangs out
    everywhere we shop, ready
    to give a brief high.
  22. the long way round
    The journey of a
    thousand miles begins with a
    question to our peers.
  23. scenes from an exhibition
    Canvases show a
    vision of warped emotions
    in oily relief.
  24. eat the baby
    Trinket hidden in
    ring cake promises either
    wealth or choking death.
  25. unsettled sleep
    A calm night that is
    punctuated by fits of
    chest-shaking spasms.
  26. victory party at the coffeehouse
    Instead of pizza,
    take the team to celebrate
    with lattes and scones.
  27. off to the races
    Many horses cross
    the starting line, but 9 months
    till one staggers home.
  28. in like a line of squalls
    It was a time of
    great flooding, of violent storms
    and unceasing gales.
  29. who will be the next internet gertrude stein?
    In search of the bright
    Tumblr that inspires, the
    blog that blares bon mots.
  30. x’s and y’s
    The sport of math needs
    players on an infinite
    field of equations.
  31. a souvenir of less-vigorous times
    The cold came and went,
    but the cough persists in the
    dry nook of the throat.
  32. will write for clicks
    Writers plentiful
    in age of cyberpundits
    and snap reviewers.
  33. the knot to be tied
    It starts with a ring
    and a question. And maybe
    a few happy tears.
  34. winding down to anxiety
    The next day is filled
    with worries put off by a
    long night without sleep.
  35. two colds in winter
    Leaky eyes, leaky
    nostrils, a betrayal of
    the failing body.
  36. a momentary lapse of clarity
    The meditation
    at the desk always leads to
    enormous regret.
  37. the sandwich generation
    A husband and two
    aging parents and a job
    and crises du jour.
  38. the law of the land
    Fairness: outdated.
    Kindness: overrated. Par-
    tisanship: always.
  39. a love between two mammals
    One offers kind words.
    The other offers nice meals.
    They live and they love.
  40. our brand is pathos
    Pasted-on smiles keep
    uncomfortable questions
    at a safe distance.
  41. watching on st. charles
    Along the route the
    beads fly in graceful arcs to
    throngs of waving kids.
  42. lil green peddlers
    Girls scout for prime spots
    to foist boxes of cookies
    on famished masses.
  43. when everyone in accounting has the crud
    Empty desks mark the
    hours and hours in lost
    productivity.
  44. the robotic narrator
    She reads breaking news
    and digital books with no
    hint of emotion.
  45. the pancake man
    He spins golden discs
    of morning shine to delight
    breakfast partisans.
  46. lazy people don’t panic
    Lazy people don’t
    panic. Let industrious
    folk shoulder the blame.
  47. everything is weakness
    Showing weakness. Tears.
    Brave face. Admitting something.
    Disease. Family.
  48. virtual realities
    We take baby steps
    into this frontier of strange
    actors and warped views.
  49. the pit
    Wet branches and smoke
    bathe the skinned pig for hours
    below, low and slow.
  50. bumps in the road
    Time for a big change:
    Switching to the crunchy style
    of peanut butter.
  51. the nobel prize of snapchat
    She gathers the world,
    not through cuteness or humor,
    but through metasnark.
  52. no lives matter
    We discard human
    lives as easily as we
    pretend otherwise.
  53. hollywood’s sure bets
    Adaptations and
    reboots crowd out the beauty
    of fresh ideas.
  54. bonus spin
    Do you risk it all
    for a chance at happiness
    or spend the day safe?
  55. with no say
    Some voices silenced
    through arcane rules. Others by
    apathetic stance.
  56. spring can’t come soon enough
    Bring on the flowers
    and showers, the breezes and
    sneezes and teases.
  57. freedom of silence
    More citizens should
    exercise their divine right
    to shut the hell up.
  58. the jester’s advantage
    Punchlines can be far
    more persuasive than bullhorns
    in an argument.
  59. the masked infector
    The waiting room is
    crowded with sick people and
    germy oxygen.
  60. boundaries
    Sentiments shared by
    many outweigh the petty
    squabbles that divide.
  61. the astronaut’s homecoming
    After a year in
    space, he just wanted to see
    one sunset per day.
  62. laughter is the worst medicine
    The election and
    the economy and threats
    abroad … Stop! It hurts!
  63. scent of a library
    Worn DVDs and
    pulped tree, with hints of carpet
    cleaner and cobwebs.
  64. run the lines
    Start out strong, over
    the top, then ease into the
    patter. Finish big!
  65. run out the clock
    Sit and twiddle thumbs,
    or try everything in a
    fit of agony.
  66. pocketing darkness
    Father Time grounded
    the night, putting her to bed
    an hour early.
  67. easiest packing ever
    Grab the essentials
    and stuff them in plastic bags
    before departure.
  68. the unsent letter
    She deserves a full
    reply, but the paper stays
    blank for the moment.
  69. caffeine and crank
    The best inspira-
    tion comes from substances both
    legal and not so.
  70. rate everything
    How was the service,
    and the food, and the candles,
    and the parking space?
  71. copying the recipe for success
    We think it’s one small
    thing like salt, when it’s likely
    technique and some luck.
  72. the loudest dog whistle ever
    Coded racism
    has yielded the floor. Overt
    racism is back.
  73. the binge effect
    Couch potatoes mash
    up plots, watching episode
    after episode.
  74. a spectrum too far
    The vision of a
    rainbow blinded him to the
    true colors in sight.
  75. the future of cuisine
    Whatever three things
    we can combine in 60
    seconds to clog hearts.
  76. tiny guitar serenade
    The ukulele
    band plucked away at strings in
    tune and of the heart.
  77. all our ethnic foods are lies
    The American
    version of world cuisine tastes
    like a food court died.
  78. spring break for grownups
    A little extra
    time in the bathroom, more red
    wine before bedtime.
  79. we’re all in sales now
    Buy my new album,
    scarves, jellies, book, self-help course,
    beads and honeymoon.
  80. springtime dichotomy
    Three days of sunny
    bliss, followed by a night of
    arctic disturbance.
  81. born to be reborn
    He who was once dead
    is alive, ascending to
    heavenly reward.
  82. the old lech
    What crimes would he pull
    off, what sour nothings he’d
    hiss for his mistress?
  83. clue after clue, year after year
    Most disasters we
    experience unfold in
    a plodding fashion.
  84. disturbance on the homefront
    The knocking came from
    all sides. Creeps moved in for the
    daytime invasion.
  85. bucket list brigade
    A dog and hamster
    travel the world in search of
    adventure and treats.
  86. outdated perspective
    ˙sn uo sᴉ ǝʞoɾ ǝɥʇ
    ʇno ǝɹnƃᴉɟ ɹǝʌǝu ǝʍ ʇnq
    ‘ǝɔɹɐɟ sᴉ ʎɐp ʎɹǝʌƎ
  87. the oatmeal gesture
    Because he prepared
    it with love, she took a bowl
    for breakfast daily.
  88. spring break 2016
    Beaches without beer,
    bars to refuel and recharge,
    no snaps, no regrets.
  89. no sirens, no flashing lights
    Failure doesn’t bring
    calamity, only calm.
    Peace among shambles.
  90. the magic of cookie dough
    You can see little
    nibble marks in the lump of
    dough for “taste testing.”
  91. capital offense
    Her lips cried, “No, no.”
    As she pulled back, he roared, “But
    I’m the governor!”
  92. this modern world
    He was easily
    bamboozled by strange coffee
    makers and tight knots.
  93. barrel brigade
    Little cars and big
    rigs creep like ants. The pavers
    rebuild their pathways.
  94. the micromanager
    The details matter
    more than the employees or
    customers or soul.
  95. the rules of a meat-and-three
    Order quickly. Mac
    and cheese is a vegetable.
    Get off of your phone.
  96. midway at the science fair
    At one end, splicing
    genes. At the other end, can
    rocks feel emotions?
  97. make alabama great again
    Water fountains for
    every race. Schooling till eighth
    grade. Guns and Bibles.
  98. baseball bonanza
    Parading cars and
    junk food races keep the old
    ballpark at peak fun.
  99. slackergy
    The team left it up
    to group chat, management by
    quips and emoji.
  100. a template for our fears
    Patient zero brings
    horror and end of world for
    brain-dead citizens.
  101. a stroll in the garden
    Take in a light scent
    of blossoms and beginnings,
    of all that is spring.

• • •

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Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 37

Wednesday, January 6th, 2016

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  1. life in the future
    Phones without backups
    and stolen identities
    and dead batteries.
  2. The Future of Birmingham: 5-7-5
    The Two Ms. Davises

    Part 1
    Wander block by block
    to meet residents held back
    by artlessness, fear.

    Part 2
    The schools drive away
    people. The politics drive
    away people, too.

    Part 3
    Only the stubborn
    and the impoverished stay
    behind, fate be damned.

    Part 4
    They need their city
    to be more than it is, to
    be kinder, safer.

    Part 5
    They need some steady
    income, and a way to get
    around easily.

    Part 6
    The townsfolk campaign
    for new leaders, not the crooks
    who line their pockets.

    Part 7
    Let Ms. Davis take
    charge, they say. She’ll stand up for
    our community.

    Part 8
    Reluctantly, Ms.
    Davis agrees, though her job
    and kids rule her days.

    Part 9
    “Mayor Davis Wins!”
    the headlines read. City Hall
    welcomes its new chief.

    Part 10
    She fixes potholes,
    fields complaints, cuts taxes and
    works past 11.

    Part 11
    The voters keep tabs
    on the mayor, who always
    looks out for their needs.

    Part 12
    Her teen daughters and
    little boy see her only
    on TV at night.

    Part 13
    The eldest stays with
    a friend for weeks. The middle
    child’s grades soon plummet.

    Part 14
    And the youngest gets
    into fights at school, so the
    principal calls Mom.

    Part 15
    The municipal
    house is in order, barely.
    Her house is a wreck.

    Part 16
    “Mayor Davis Quits!”
    the headlines read. City Hall
    loses its old boss.

    Part 17
    She gathers her brood
    into a sweeping hug and
    holds on for dear life.

    Part 18
    Madame Mayor goes
    back to humble matriarch,
    putting kids to bed.

    Part 19
    Her civic progress
    was quickly undone. All the
    neighbors wailed and moaned.

    Part 20
    Ms. Davis served out
    her real term to her three-child
    constituency.

  3. the 12 days of no mas
    The station’s Christmas
    music played from September
    till … I burned it down.
  4. dusty assets
    In their rush to build
    a future, they forgot what
    treasures the past held.
  5. drama at 2030
    Toddler bedtime is
    a mix of dancing, tears, light
    bargaining and hugs.
  6. ingredients for a costume
    Hidden stitching, a
    wig, maybe an accent, props
    and a loss of self.
  7. mostly hands-free commute
    Self-driving cars will
    give us the freedom to flip
    off other riders.
  8. on turning 10 in blog years
    Welcome to my blog.
    Today, it turns 10 years old.
    Now where is the cake?
  9. a meeting 212 years in the making
    The world’s oldest man
    and woman should hook up for
    burgers and moshing.
  10. the little highway that couldn’t
    Traffic kept the lanes
    thick with cars. More lanes, more cars.
    Fewer lights, more cars.
  11. a reflection in hilarity
    Let us laugh at our
    foibles and shortcomings till
    we forget hatred.
  12. cover up your point
    Empathy is when
    you see my point. Comedy
    is when I see yours.
  13. soulful turmoil
    The inner child and
    the spirit animal got
    into such mischief.
  14. when you’re too in love to let it go
    Lights will guide you home
    and ignite your bones, and I
    will try to fix you.
  15. the guide to carving the perfect jack-o’lantern
    Make a scary face
    and carve it into the side
    of a fresh pumpkin.
  16. forever pork
    Barbecue is the
    perfect food, except if you
    ask the pig himself.
  17. winter 2015 in the south
    El Niño will bring
    his chilly chattering and
    a damp demeanor.
  18. the tiniest inkling
    What do we under-
    stand of the world and our place
    in bettering it?
  19. yoso: you only study once
    Homework is always
    best done at the last minute
    and with little thought.
  20. two-wheeled wanderers
    The new cyclists rode
    for blocks before stopping to
    admire the streets.
  21. chains of desire
    What defines a cool
    city is not retailers
    but local flavors.
  22. the wisdom of christopher turk
    Mothers and daughters
    they speak so fast, but they speak
    so true.” And they’re back!
  23. chocolate ghosts and sugar phantoms
    What good is stocking
    up early for Halloween
    if I eat it all?
  24. barbell bummer
    He loves to lift weights.
    His arms love it. His hips, too.
    His back … not so much.
  25. the precise baker
    Measure and weigh, sift
    and let sit. Check for doneness,
    frost after cooling.
  26. tongs and tongues at the ready
    Pastry chambers at
    the Mexican bakery
    tempt with scents and hues.
  27. broken people
    Broken people get
    up in the morning and sleep
    at night still broken.
  28. the anti-halloween sport
    Bobbing for apples
    is too healthy. Exercise,
    fruit and water? Pass.
  29. the shaming of a lifetime
    An Internet faux
    pas warrants derision and
    humiliation.
  30. the hierarchy of candy
    Good chocolate, Pop
    Rocks, Reese’s Cups, gummy bears,
    Peanut M&Ms.
  31. the clothes make the myth
    Layer on layer
    of artifice to reveal
    a hidden true self.
  32. the lone checker
    The late shoppers made
    their way, baskets in hand, to
    pay for and bag their fare.
  33. even pagans need love, too
    In the dark of the
    suburban streets, a gang of
    devils hunted treats.
  34. an extra hour
    An extra hour
    to sleep, to meditate, to
    worship and to love.
  35. organizational perils
    Everything goes in
    this bin, save for the odds and
    ends that go elsewhere.
  36. uplifting the powerless
    A laptop with a
    dying battery. A man
    with a screwdriver.
  37. the neverending worry
    I have so many
    things I want to do today.
    This week. This lifetime.
  38. the humane condition
    We all make mistakes.
    Some of us forgive ourselves.
    Others agonize.
  39. candy crushers
    Let’s stop calling them
    “smartphones.” They’re making us all
    dumber with each glance.
  40. at my annual flu shot
    With a single stick,
    I banish thee foul virus— ACK!
    OH MY FRAGILE ARM!
  41. rise of the telepresence robots
    Gail rolled from cube to
    cube, awkwardly chit-chatting
    through a cracked iPad.
  42. le mot unjuste
    The best insult cuts
    deep and without sting, letting
    the blood drain for days.
  43. a many-splendored box
    Shipping containers
    to live in, to shop in, to
    work in, to ship stuff.
  44. valor
    They did the job, and
    they did it with courage and
    grace. We thank them all.
  45. contrary to popular beliefs
    College students face
    down the biggest and smallest
    of injustices.
  46. ideas for superhero movies
    Heroine vs.
    female villain. Musical!
    4D. Masks for all.
  47. vive la paris
    Liberty always.
    Equality forever.
    Fraternity now.
  48. the lone waiter
    Five parties walked in
    needing tables, and a tot
    just swiped the menus.
  49. the magic coupon
    “Good for one free hug.”
    It never expired, and
    it never ran out.
  50. never us
    Them is who we keep
    out. Them is who we fight, who
    we fear, who we blame.
  51. otherworldly acquaintances
    In another life,
    we could be great friends or at
    least, not as distant.
  52. trample the earth or build virtual worlds
    Sharing Minecraft vids
    is the riding dirt bikes of
    this generation.
  53. little triumphs
    The cart that doesn’t
    wobble. The line that moves the
    fastest. A rainbow.
  54. spycraft for dummies
    Secret agents work
    with secret agencies on
    secret agendas.
  55. hello, can you hear me?
    I pick up the phone,
    but no one responds. Again.
    Adele butt-dialed me.
  56. permanent shiver
    His skin went from pink
    to grayish-blue, icicles
    forming on his nose.
  57. let the turkey thaw
    Seventeen pounds of
    frozen fowl sit in the fridge
    before the big roast.
  58. from her beacon-hand glows world-wide welcome
    “Give me your tired,
    your poor, your huddled masses
    yearning to breathe free.”
  59. except for the turkey
    Count your blessings. An
    attitude of gratitude.
    So very thankful.
  60. in line to buy a tv and sweaters
    Eating Thanksgiving
    dinner in the chilly night
    to save a few bucks.
  61. in line to buy a tv and sweaters
    Eating Thanksgiving
    dinner in the chilly night
    to save a few bucks.
  62. the weakness of the soul
    He had nothing to
    do with the problem yet still
    found room for self-blame.
  63. top dogs and strays
    The best ones can be
    underappreciated
    but still remain true.
  64. meanwhile at the north pole
    The elves tested each
    drone for their delivery
    flight on Christmas Eve.
  65. the degraded outdoors
    Why must we spoil
    these lovely days and nights out-
    side with TV screens?
  66. support your local librarian
    Bring a coffee and
    sweets for the finder of good
    books and deep knowledge.
  67. the shortcut through the alley
    Their night out ended
    with a gun in their faces
    and wallets long gone.
  68. well of corruption
    Everyone was on
    the take: cops, lawyers, mayors,
    judges, everyone.
  69. the road never taken
    Off in the distance
    are dreams never dreamt and plans
    never carried out.
  70. another holiday for pennies
    Wrapping paper from
    grocery bags and stocking
    stuffers from the job.
  71. pound the alarm
    Be vigilant for
    those who use foreign numbers:
    The metric system.
  72. a tinsel economy
    Two strands for a pie.
    A whole roll for a roast goose.
    No refunds or trades.
  73. a walmart world
    Discounts everywhere
    built on dirt cheap labor and
    even cheaper crap.
  74. dot’s all
    The true fate of a
    text rests on whether it ends
    with a … period.
  75. toothy transaction
    She breaks in to steal
    your bones and leave cash for them.
    An oral pawn shop.
  76. the tiniest kitchen
    Chop veggies or sift
    flour. Wash one dish or snack
    on chips. Soup for none.
  77. a heat miser holiday
    Warm December days
    perfect for swimming pools and
    suntans and Noel.
  78. the perfect office present
    Coffee or small gift
    cards or engraved luggage tags
    or another round.
  79. happy life day
    Let the fur fly and
    the sabers sizzle on this
    spacey holiday.
  80. brawl at city hall
    That time the mayor
    and council member traded
    blows instead of words.
  81. there is no try
    “The Force will be with
    you. Always.” “Let the Wookiee
    win.” “Do. Or do not.”
  82. rules for distributing candy from a christmas parade float
    Actually, there’s
    only one rule to keep in
    mind: Do not run out.
  83. heart attacks and respiratory failure
    The students save the
    dummy’s life repeatedly.
    Make better choices!
  84. the case for going out
    Outside is hiking
    and new restaurants and fresh
    scenery and friends.
  85. tropical noel
    The flip-flops are hung
    by the chimney with care. Cold
    beers will soon be there.
  86. vacation mode engaged
    The body is in
    the office, but the mind is
    somewhere on Pluto.
  87. adolescent holiday madness
    Waiting for Santa
    is unbearable when you
    want nothing but toys.
  88. baby, it’s warm outside
    I really can’t stay
    I’ve got to go away. This
    evening has been … gross.
  89. the 2015th noel
    The angel did tweet,
    was to certain poor shepherds
    in fields as they sleep.
  90. hanlon’s haiku
    Don’t attribute to
    malice that which is explained
    by stupidity.
  91. typhoons in dixie
    Downpours without end.
    Lightning, thundering, flooding.
    Christmas underwater.
  92. a coalition of the unwilling
    Across Bama, a
    wide range of awful leaders
    keep us from progress.
  93. unfinished business
    The new year cometh,
    but my planner has a bunch
    of to-dos to do.
  94. ridesharing for fun and profit
    Amateur cabbies
    hauled load after load of boors
    and drunkards homeward.
  95. resolutions day 365
    Did we lose all the
    weight and make all the money
    and enrich our lives?
  96. a leap year ahead
    Enough time to do
    all the things we planned with an
    extra day to laugh.
  97. body language lessons
    The heart wants better
    but reflexive eye rolls are
    a dead giveaway.
  98. the south’s weight will rise again
    Fat shaming no more.
    Take pride in our expanding
    borders and big bones.
  99. the purring of motors
    Not crickets, but the
    refrigerator. Not cats,
    but the high street lights.
  100. middle class 1914-2015
    Blame whomever, we’re
    facing long years of working
    and not getting by.
  101. carpe assets
    Seize the moment. Seize
    the day. Seize everything. The
    new police motto.

• • •

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magnetic fridge poetry

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Wade’s 101: Haiku retrospective 36

Monday, September 28th, 2015

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  1. rehearsals, day 17
    He would speak into
    the remote for hours. The
    dog was not impressed.
  2. just another day in the walmart parking lot
    Wrong-way Willie went
    barreling up the one-way
    lane dodging shoppers.
  3. the reset button
    Push it and start all
    over. Push it and wipe those
    cares away. Push it.
  4. the alpha and the part that comes after alpha
    That half of the year
    went by so quickly that this
    half will surely drag.
  5. after solving the artist royalties problem
    Taylor Swift fixed my
    iPhone at the Genius Bar
    while singing “Bad Blood.”
  6. driving to fun park usa
    Junior and Little
    Miss stare at the streaming flick
    while Mom stays alert.
  7. magic in the library
    Each shelf held the key
    to worlds unexplored and dreams
    and nightmares and frogs.
  8. missing mutt
    He felt a dog-sized
    hole in his life with an ache
    for a wagging tail.
  9. l-o-v-e in the u-s-a
    No court, no law can
    stop the force of love as it
    spreads from heart to heart.
  10. dear brutus
    The fault lies not in
    our stars but in ourselves, that
    we are underlings.
  11. the middle is always chaos
    The start looks like fun,
    and the end looks perfect but
    far off. Keep going.
  12. this is going to be the best half-year ever
    Lose 10 pounds, join a
    book club, eat healthier, watch
    “Game of Thrones,” try meth.
  13. the prison explosion
    Time to figure out
    who we’re mad at and who we’re
    really afraid of.
  14. firecracker follies
    Bang! Pop! Rat-a-tat-
    tat! Up and down the street boom
    the sounds of freedom.
  15. this land is our land
    America smokes
    pot, marries anyone and
    plays so much soccer.
  16. littlest victories
    Odometer rolls
    and the 12th free sandwich and
    palindromic times.
  17. flying fingers
    The violinist
    practiced to make performing
    look so effortless.
  18. from cradle to bigger cradle
    Helicopter mom
    and dad kept Junior tethered
    long past puberty.
  19. back of the industrial park
    Freight slipped onto docks
    unnoticed, cargo bound for
    here or overseas.
  20. lost in the grind
    I can crunch numbers
    or test theories, but my best
    side is creative.
  21. the stash
    Frozen balls of dough
    turn any sad day into
    fresh-baked cookie time.
  22. a state of limbo
    A life that is full
    and empty, blessed with friends but
    without constant love.
  23. melt into the sidewalk
    The dog just ambles
    and pants, dragging the leash and
    human in the heat.
  24. the power of nerds
    Postmodern culture,
    a mashup of comic books
    and highbrow humor.
  25. box office heroes of summer 2015
    Dinosaurs, Mad Max,
    the Avengers, Minions and
    a girl’s emotions.
  26. less comprehension in less time
    Words flash faster and
    faster, books and novels speed
    by the keen reader.
  27. writer’s blech
    What is the term for
    trying to write but held back
    by lack of talent?
  28. even majorities are minorities
    Everyone’s a vic-
    tim, everyone else is to
    blame, martyrs for life.
  29. the anxious mind
    A churn of worries
    that never comes to pass in
    a state of alarm.
  30. follicle frolic
    Hair grows so subtly
    you can barely feel it ooze
    out of your scalp holes.
  31. armed with popcorn and candy
    The kids scrambled to
    their seats to escape the heat
    with movie magic.
  32. citations no extra charge
    Inspiration comes
    from the unlikeliest spots,
    like term paper sites.
  33. make room for hashtags, too
    The Library of
    Congress must build shelves to store
    tweets and emoji.
  34. not hot enough for that
    The gluten-free ice
    cream truck circled round the block
    with zero takers.
  35. fast asleep in the urban jungle
    Car alarm at 2
    a.m.: Let me sing you the
    song of my people.
  36. little girl lost
    A voice, distinct and
    true, silenced too soon by a
    misguided lifestyle.
  37. friday evening downpour
    Skies darken, thunder
    erupts and sheets of rain wash
    the earth thoroughly.
  38. among the charlatans
    A sense of purpose
    may never ring true yet can
    guide us to safety.
  39. the neighborhood crank
    A loner with an
    agenda finds almost no
    support for changes.
  40. concrete rain
    Bits of freeway fell
    in storms of debris as cars
    shook the bridges loose.
  41. the pizza accords
    First party agrees
    to extra cheese, while second
    party requests ham.
  42. the meltening
    The molecular
    structure of all things breaks down
    in this goddamn heat.
  43. shuffle off this mortal coil? check.
    The to-do list will
    never be done. The good news
    is we’ll all be dead.
  44. the longest con
    Living a robust
    perpetual denial
    about growing old.
  45. annual assigned reading 3-day cram session
    IfIhurryI-
    canreadallmysummerbooks-
    beforeschoolstartsback.
  46. a town without a watchdog
    Graft flowed to outstretched
    hands, while the downtrodden fought
    for their measly crumbs.
  47. early onset adulthood
    When spouses become
    singles. When daughters become
    caretakers. And on.
  48. beyond needs fulfilled
    What gives you pleasure?
    Is it intellectual,
    physical or more?
  49. settling in by the pool
    A tall iced tea and
    a glossy magazine was
    all she required.
  50. as seen on body cams everywhere
    The thin blue line is
    spattered with blood red streaks and
    black-and-blue lesions.
  51. the poison of nostalgia
    Living in the past
    seems to be the drug of choice
    among lost people.
  52. the skim
    Each dawn brings a fresh
    opportunity to fleece
    everybody else.
  53. liquid butter cut-off
    Summer ends when we
    run out of blockbuster flicks
    to watch with popcorn.
  54. not quite ready for the bell
    Reluctant pupils
    enter the classroom with heads
    full of fireflies.
  55. long after graduation
    The gossip girls shared
    conspiratorial laughs
    in the locker room.
  56. stillness along the ocean
    She looked out onto
    the gulf one last time, ready
    for the next voyage.
  57. a good mom
    Nothing would keep her
    from scolding, feeding, reading
    to, raising her girls.
  58. the festival of fall approaches
    A carnival of
    colorful trees and hazy
    nights heads for our block.
  59. every saturday over coffee and carburetors
    The parking lot filled
    with classic hot rods, gearheads
    and fans of sweet rides.
  60. sensation of singing
    The lyrics rolled by
    on monitors for us to
    belt out tipsily.
  61. fourth wave feminism
    Ladies choose to be
    objectors, objectified,
    their bodies their selves.
  62. emoji nation
    We started out with
    Shakespeare and ended with a
    suggestive eggplant.
  63. chores, then domination
    I’ll be ready to
    conquer the world as soon as
    I wash the dishes.
  64. the most awkward sales pitch ever
    It comes with something …
    let me ask my manager
    and not call you back.
  65. a reasonable exit strategy
    Put down the empty
    glass and slip out the back door
    with hoarded brownies.
  66. the cost of fame
    He made a deal with
    the devil, then acted shocked
    at the devil’s scam.
  67. misanthropic awakening
    The more you get to
    know people, the more you want
    to crawl back in bed.
  68. jersey sore
    The coach yells at the
    team. The players run their drills.
    Practice never ends.
  69. dare defend
    Fields of cotton, lush
    forests, manmade lakes, kind hearts
    in Alabama.
  70. shop and chop
    The big dinner needs
    sliced and diced vegetables and
    meats at the ready.
  71. proration 2015
    It’s the second week
    of school, and they’re already
    out of chalk and milk.
  72. dinner party achievement unlocked
    The satisfaction
    from a well-cooked gourmet meal,
    but mostly fullness.
  73. scattered but not forgotten
    Refugees from the
    storm found new homes far from the
    shores of destruction.
  74. the wandering governor
    He flew across the
    land with his wife sometimes and
    his mistress sometimes.
  75. twisted mobility
    The scooter helped her
    up and down the hall, if not
    back on her own feet.
  76. harvest of shame
    The biggest garden
    foe was not cat nor bunny
    but incompetence.
  77. electoral collage
    They rigged the ballot
    so only predetermined
    elites could win votes.
  78. the farm’s last stand
    The last jar of peach
    preserves and basket of plump
    tomatoes has sold.
  79. and don’t forget thursdays
    Friday night is for
    football, as is Saturday,
    Sunday and Monday.
  80. work-life balance
    First comes work, then comes
    life, and bringing up the rear
    is balance. Then … death.
  81. shells
    The exterior
    hides everything — joy, sadness,
    pain — within ourselves.
  82. mired in perceptions
    Paranoia bears
    a strong resemblance to a
    nonstop awareness.
  83. left to our own devices
    We can do almost
    anything we put our minds
    to, except focus.
  84. a post-9/11 world
    More patriotic,
    more alert, more fearful, more
    wary, more grateful.
  85. smiles for meters
    Is happiness a
    constant? A pool that slowly
    drains? A deep, deep font?
  86. the strain of babysitting pupils
    Fights stopped: Around 5.
    Phones confiscated: 13.
    Lessons taught: 0.
  87. before you know it it’s mlk day
    It’s time for Hallo
    weenThanksgivingVeterans
    DayChristmasNewYear’s.
  88. the sweetest orchard
    Harvesting from the
    candied apple tree, wearing
    gloves and sneaking bites.
  89. digital scrapbooking
    My jukebox: YouTube.
    My photo album: Facebook.
    My memory: Shot.
  90. golden ghouls
    The grandmas on the
    block like to dress scarily
    for shakes and giggles.
  91. the real bogeymen
    We act out of fear
    to protect ourselves and our
    kin, which breeds more fear.
  92. sidewalk campaigning
    Cleanup and paving
    crews show up every 4 years
    before elections.
  93. a time of falling leaves and pumpkin spice and christmas sales
    When does fall start? Ask
    a weather forecaster, a
    poet and a child.
  94. introvert’s paradise
    Coffee and good books,
    jazz and blueberry pancakes.
    Not a soul for miles.
  95. the funniest person online is a pickpocket
    Authorship is dead.
    Digital miscreants take
    anything for fun.
  96. strength in numbness
    My superpowers
    are procrastination and
    working on deadline.
  97. stork 2.0
    A drone came to my
    front door to deliver a
    newborn and cigars.
  98. the decimal decimation
    If we scrimp and save
    and hold off on paying some
    bills, we can eat soon.
  99. a crowded field
    Fall TV endures
    as a launch point and graveyard
    of few sparks, quick ends.
  100. it’s a quiet afternoon at the taco truck
    The cook preps his stuff,
    while another fixes the
    awning. A third drinks.
  101. desperate men call for desperate measures
    The mass of men lead
    lives of quiet despera-
    tion, As they deserve.

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magnetic fridge poetry

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The Future of Birmingham: 101

Friday, September 18th, 2015
Vulcan

Photo: Greg Willis (CC)

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The Future of Birmingham

  1. Hipsters forced to sit in the back of the (solar-powered) (karaoke) bus.
  2. Automated city council pay raises with compounded interest.
  3. Newspaper printed three times a month on super-secret schedule.
  4. CrossPlex holds IronTribe CrossFit Games; nerds hide in basements.
  5. Drivers use bike lanes as intended … “emergency” parking.
  6. Barbecue-flavored craft beer.
  7. And deep-fried gourmet popsicles.
  8. And throwed trolls.
  9. Our inevitable annexation by Atlanta.
  10. City lands not one but two NFL franchises fleeing gently used stadiums.
  11. UAB football team disbanded for second time, during winning drive of national championship game.
  12. Vulcan gets a tattoo!
  13. No more toxic dumps — cancer injected directly into North Birmingham residents.
  14. Farm-to-table movement grows crops directly in dirt pile on your dinner plate.
  15. Newly rebuilt I-20/59 collapses after looters strip it for copper wiring.
  16. Illegal immigrants escape impoverished Hoover to sneak into the land of promise, McCalla.
  17. Nightly races between Taco, Hot Dog and recently out-of-work Finebaum. (Spoiler: Finebaum cheats.)
  18. As Millennials turn 30, indicated by flashing crystals in their hands, they come to Boutwell for the renewal of Carousel.
  19. The Combloggerator Matrix comes online, mercilessly assimilating all posts and bloggers.
  20. The new Publix? All bread and milk.
  21. The new Trader Joe’s? Speculoos Cookie Mayo.
  22. Fusion-powered Bank for Savings rooftop sign visible from space.
  23. MTV arrives to film an episode of “Pimp My Airport.”
  24. New sport diathlon from combining firing ranges and trampoline parks.
  25. Bessemer revolts, dumping sweet tea into Alabama Splash Adventure.
  26. Airwaves ruled by wacky morning team of Barkley and Bubba.
  27. The gUber app: Users get rides from ’82 Camaros with flame decals (seat belts and airbags optional).
  28. Tiny trailers infest Homewood … with cuteness!
  29. Schools sort children into bins: Soylent Green, Soylent Teriyaki, Soylent Gluten-Free.
  30. St. Paul and the Nicely Mended Bones, thanks to rehab at UAB Hospital.
  31. “Welcome to the Courteney Cox-Kwon Museum and Muffler Shop!”
  32. Everyone lives in at least two condos and parks in their living rooms.
  33. The zoo’s biggest attraction? Man!!!
  34. Advanced parking meters simply explode at random.
  35. A lone survivor crosses the food desert in search of rhubarb.
  36. Self-driving city buses take payment in cash, tokens and stray animals.
  37. Prize2theFuture … ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!
  38. In Trussville, you’re either eastern Walmart or western Walmart.
  39. Loudspeakers from every corner blare sports talk radio nonstop.
  40. “The Walking Dead,” but with fatter, slower zombies.
  41. Drone delivery of tacos is a thing. Like, straight to your greedy tacohole.
  42. City flag? Magician’s hat with a dead rabbit.
  43. City mascot? Diabetes.
  44. Bus terminal smell upgraded to “uptown funk.”
  45. Steel plants converted into discotheques.
  46. Segregation limited to humans, cyborgs and robots.
  47. We finally land a car factory. It’s for the Kia Mucus.
  48. #HashtagCity
  49. (No, seriously. That’s our new nickname.)
  50. Water/sewer bills in convenient podcast form.
  51. Kiddieland reopened to genetically engineered dinosaurs that can never ever go berserk and devour their human masters.
  52. Meat and four, baby.
  53. (The four are also meats.)
  54. Montgomery takes Birmingham’s lunch money, holds the city upside-down over a toilet.
  55. Mayoral debates via Dubsmash.
  56. Quantum technology allows pork to be simultaneously chopped and sliced.
  57. Some dissension over 50-foot Larry Langford bronze statue in Linn Park.
  58. Cyber attack exposes everyone’s real names from al.com usernames.
  59. The World Games never leaves. IT NEVER LEAVES.
  60. Secret NASCAR races inside Century Plaza.
  61. Pop-up eating contests.
  62. Baptists now greet each other at the liquor store and the strip club.
  63. Richard Scrushy holds city hostage with a mustache ray and taunts a helpless public.
  64. Lacrosse, but with balled-up copperheads.
  65. Prominent websites continue to include Birmingham in Top 10 lists, but only ironically.
  66. The Barons move to Mt. Olive.
  67. Giuseppe Moretti LXXXIII discovers the remains of the tiny Statue of Liberty and the horrifying origin of the City of the Apes.
  68. Rectal vaping not only encouraged but mandatory.
  69. Annual city budget is one part speed traps, one part business licenses, one part GoFundMe campaign.
  70. Dome built in wrong shape.
  71. The final phase of gentrification goes perfectly, as every house in Birmingham costs at least $500,000.
  72. The Regions Park Supermax Correctional Facility.
  73. Megachurches become sentient, overcharge for coffee.
  74. Birmingham Bowl played to the death, as per ESPN rules.
  75. Public spaces: dog park, cat park, skateboard park, hoverboard park, Confederate dog park, sacred Indian burial ground park.
  76. Everyone finishes the new Metric Mercedes Marathon, a bracing 26.2 meters.
  77. Clone of Lou Wooster saves city after Ebola epidemic.
  78. Elevated 280 barely used by hover cars.
  79. Paying sales tax requires installment plan.
  80. One-way streets all head north-northeast.
  81. Mountain Brook grows clones each fall for fresh harvest of domestic servants.
  82. The last locally owned company does, in fact, turn off the lights.
  83. GMOs hold Pepper Place hostage.
  84. Thanks to stern billboards, human trafficking down 70 percent.
  85. Everything is as Sun Ra predicted.
  86. By the light of the full moon, Condoleezza stalks the city streets, a grim avenger of the night.
  87. The Second Life version of Birmingham suffers from clone flight.
  88. Graffiti king Moist becomes artist laureate.
  89. We feed the poor feral cats.
  90. Correction: We feed the poor to feral cats.
  91. A revitalized Ensley still only one-third full.
  92. Trains merely slow down at station, as passengers expected to hop off and on quickly.
  93. Bonnaroo juggernaut leaves our festivals with drummer from Blink-182 plus Kenny Chesney.
  94. County bankruptcy paid off, but debt collectors keep calling at all hours.
  95. School days and sporting events begin with civic anthem, “Do I Make You Proud?”
  96. Civil Rights Heritage Trail selfie stations.
  97. Police body cam footage powers entire season of “Cops” and “The First 48.”
  98. Plasma force fields shield buildings from tornadoes, debris and other outside agitators.
  99. Home schooling expanded to home churching, home sporting.
  100. Upon sudden impact, cars equipped to deploy business cards for Alexander Shunnarah.
  101. Red Mountain renamed Peak Birmingham.

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