Wade on Birmingham

Wade’s 101: Superman 2006

  1. Still has to hold down a day job.
  2. Able to leap tall blondes in a single bound.
  3. You try getting hazard insurance for Fortress of Solitude.
  4. Easier to clean own suits thanks to Dry-El.
  5. Spent last five years hunting predators on MySpace.
  6. Batman: cool car, gadgets galore.

    Superman: tiny apartment at $2,000/month and a hot plate.

  7. Now fights for truth, justice and red states.
  8. Still refuses to answer questions about alleged steroid abuse.
  9. What’s on his iPod? Gnarls Barkley, Nelly Furtado, Kryptonian chants and dance remixes at supersonic levels.
  10. Is two subs away from a free sandwich.
  11. Some idiot archvillain keeps signing him up for magazine subscriptions under “Cal L. Bytes.”
  12. His agent keeps booking him for Aquaman’s gigs.
  13. Saves world from giant asteroid, but does he get a cut of the merchandising? No-o-o-o.
  14. It’s a bird. It’s a plane. Nope, it’s a bird.
  15. Why does Wolverine get to host the Tonys?!
  16. Surgeon General determines prolonged exposure to X-ray vision has been known to increase risk of cancer.
  17. Every redneck with a ‘tude has to tug on the damn cape.
  18. Supergirl’s weakness? Paris Hilton and rum benders.
  19. For the last time, stop shooting and/or throwing guns at him.
  20. Declining Justice League now simply “Coalition of the Super-Willing.”
  21. Superman’s real curse is a weakness for Bunco.
  22. Showdowns take twice as long because foes can’t decide which flavor of kryptonite to wield.
  23. Earth 2: Superman can’t swim.
  24. Earth 3: Daily Planet is a tabloid, and Clark Kent stuck covering celebrity births.
  25. Earth 4: Everyone else is from Krypton, while Superman’s from Brazil.
  26. Earths 5-9: Superman has varying number of kidneys (don’t ask).
  27. Earth 10: Superman impervious to smell of freshly baked bread.
  28. Hasn’t updated his blog in months.
  29. In Metropolis: car thefts, down; purse snatchings, down; Superman-related crimes, way up.
  30. Strong enough to lift tanks, but can’t pick up a dinner check.
  31. Faster than a speeding Kennedy.
  32. More powerful than a loco Dick Cheney.
  33. Recent interviews break down into long sales pitches for Kryptoscientology.
  34. Unable to upgrade library crystals to high-def.
  35. Pet peeve: rescued citizens who blurt out “Entourage” spoilers before he can watch on DVD.
  36. Earth dad still wants him to be “next Tiger Woods.”
  37. Space dad lectures him constantly about getting a real job, protecting secret identity from telemarketers.
  38. Earth mom tells him to marry plain Sally from Smallville.
  39. Space mom lays on galactic guilt trip from beyond the grave.
  40. Holds raves in the Phantom Zone.
  41. Kisses librarians to make them forget about his overdue books.
  42. Actually knows Seinfeld.
  43. Too cheap to buy DVR. Instead, flies back in time to catch missed dialogue.
  44. Cape looks flashy, but keeps getting snagged on telephone poles.
  45. If he walks, people ask him why he isn’t flying.
  46. If he flies, people ask him if he’s too good to walk.
  47. Once lobbied to have Samuel L. Jackson play him in the movie.
  48. Lois doesn’t always understand that school buses on fire come first.
  49. Tried to win Lois by juggling horses.
  50. “Accidentally” eavesdrops on Lois’ cell calls to friends, mother.
  51. Loves Lois for who she is: pushy reporter with a savior fetish.
  52. His nickname for Lois: “The Lane Attraction.”
  53. Tells Lois this is absolutely the last time he’s flying her to coffee cart on Seventh because it has better lattes.
  54. Always pulling that “And how many nuns did you save today?” crap with Lois.
  55. Lets Lois win at arm wrestling.
  56. Hides especially naughty fan mail from Lois.
  57. Sees right through her.
  58. X-Men: teen mutants with angst.

    Superman: grown man with tights.

  59. Would rather talk it out.
  60. The glasses help correct slight astigmatism in the right eye.
  61. Don’t get him started on who’s faster, him or Flash.
  62. His other secret identity? Kenny, the guy who cuts in line at the subway.
  63. Tries to rap. Can’t rap. Shouldn’t rap, really.
  64. Goes to the movies by sitting on fire escape, uses X-ray vision and super hearing.
  65. Same with concerts.
  66. Spider-Man sticks to walls. Is that even a power?
  67. Keeps meaning to, but hasn’t seen the sights around home state of Kansas.
  68. Perry White won’t give him comp time or replace broken desk chair.
  69. Has girlfriends in every time zone.
  70. Constant harassment from Minutemen over undocumented alien status.
  71. Loves an aromatherapeutic candlelit bath every so often.
  72. Still wants credit for the times he saved the world but no one remembers, or it happened in space.
  73. Loves writing, hates reporting.
  74. Tired of lazy hecklers calling him “Stupidman” or “Superretard.”
  75. Says he voted in last election, but actually spent day golfing with Green Lantern.
  76. Thinks he could kick the Powerpuff Girls’ ass.
  77. Has a thing for villainesses.
  78. Pretty much does everything with his bare hands.
  79. Seriously, how does Wonder Woman find that invisible jet? Refuel it? Know when to replace the tires?
  80. Considering retirement by 39.
  81. Never knows what to say to Jimmy Olsen on the elevator.
  82. Kryptonite makes him temporarily incontinent.
  83. Promises sick kids in hospital that he’ll knock Cubbies out of park, just for them.
  84. Daily Planet Web site always cutting off his stories in mid-senten
  85. Sick to death of corn and wheat.
  86. Chicks dig the hair curl.
  87. Can’t write checks any more at the corner deli since the whole thing three years ago.
  88. Gen. Zod is a general the way Capt. Crunch is a captain.
  89. Has dreams where he can fly. Wakes up in a volcano.
  90. For some reason, Lex Luthor keeps sending him stupid blog quizzes and personality tests.
  91. Hulk smash puny humans.

    Superman suck up to puny humans. (Hulk laugh at Superman.)

  92. Goes commando at night. Sometimes on foggy days.
  93. Man of Steel was once Dork of Sixth Grade.
  94. It is forbidden to interfere in the course of “Dancing with the Stars.”
  95. Can outwit Brainiac, but not Windows XP.
  96. Stupid lead wrapping paper with those stupid red-and-blue bathrobes for stupid surprise birthday parties.
  97. Wishes it really were hip to be square.
  98. Bizarro loves being filler in comedy list. Bizarro loves everything and everyone.
  99. Working on first novel about a single gal’s misadventures in dating, dieting, urban life and the right shoes.
  100. Oh, it’s already been broughten.
  101. Up, up and (wait for it …) away.

• • •

Read more Wade’s 101.

1 Yip for “Wade’s 101: Superman 2006”

  1. Dairy of a Madman » Nerdsexy? No, nerdfunny!*
    Thursday, June 29, 2006, 4:30 pm

    […] When he started his blogs last year, he brought back the 101 idea, and this time around he hits Superman. While he’s not the comic nerd I am, he’s well versed (like no one I know, frankly) in pop culture — and you’ll be amazed at some of the things he remembered to poke fun at. So go, now, and read Wade’s 101: Superman 2006. You will believe a man can try. […]

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