Wade on Birmingham

Wade’s 101: Love sucks

  1. I know that of which I speak.
  2. Let’s face it: Tis better to have loved and won.
  3. Now is the winter of our dysfunction.
  4. If you love someone, set them… up?
  5. I laugh in the face of commitment.
  6. Some call me the gangster of love (and I’ve ordered a hit on Cupid).
  7. Bad question: Who are you, and what are you doing in my bed?
  8. Worse question: Who are you, and what are you doing in my pants?
  9. I may be cheap, but I’m also easy.
  10. Today’s mantra: shoulda seen it comin’, shoulda seen it comin’, shoulda seen it comin’…
  11. Love means never having to say “Piranha are eating me alive!”
  12. If love makes the world go round, mine could use a little push.
  13. Those three little words that mean so much: Credit cards accepted.
  14. “I just need some space.” Cringe factor: 7.
  15. There’s a new self-help video for recovering “love” sufferers called I’m Okay, You’re a Lying Sack of Shit.
  16. You know what they say about too much lovin’? (No, I’m asking you.)
  17. The 900 line I’m starting offers affection and tenderness.
  18. Operators standing by live to cuddle long-distance.
  19. Sample: “Oh honey, you know you’ll always be the one for me” ($2.99/min. MC/VISA).
  20. Press 1 for commitment, 2 for sincerity, 3 for mushiness.
  21. Press 4 for wooing, 5 to hear “I love you” repeated non-stop.
  22. At any time you may press the star key to speak to Barry White.
  23. But it’s not all migraines and sweaty palms…
  24. That part about for better or for worse? It ain’t a multiple choice question…
  25. Pickup line for the rest of the decade: “I know you’re my therapist, but you have the most gorgeous eyes.”
  26. When they toss the bouquet at a wedding, bat it down and stomp it into petal dust.
  27. Always a stalker, never a stalkee.
  28. Who wrote the Book of Love? The same guy who wrote Catch-22.
  29. Nothing says “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” like a binding pre-nuptial agreement.
  30. The best cure for a broken heart? A swollen gland.
  31. Romeo and Juliet? I love happy endings.
  32. Flirting: the love that dare not speak its name.
  33. Dating services: no-fuss one-stop pimping.
  34. Adultery: love to go.
  35. Loneliness: I prefer “love-challenged.”
  36. Bulimic love: Instead of binge purge binge purge, it’s fumble despair fumble despair.
  37. Second guessing: the cool-down routine after an invigorating break-up.
  38. “Boy meets girl, boy loses girl in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year’s Day.”
  39. Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match…
  40. Find me a find, catch me a catch…
  41. Bartender, bartender, lend me a match…
  42. Pour me a drink (I’m going to retch).
  43. Every song reminds you of her, even though you’re listening to talk radio.
  44. In my language, “love” would just be another synonym for “ha!”
  45. Instead of escort services, how about rebound services?
  46. What was I thinking?!
  47. Dating: that nervous tic.
  48. Love: that queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach.
  49. Relationships: that constant pounding in your skull.
  50. Break-ups: that overwhelming sense of doom, with occasional bursts of gloom.
  51. Even my blow-up doll left me (for the Michelin Man).
  52. “Is that the salad dressing you bought?” meaning either “Oh, there it is” or “You got the wrong kind you incompetent jackass.”
  53. It’s a fact: Love causes cancer.
  54. And it’s been proven harmful in small children and animals.
  55. Pride? Yeah, right!
  56. Sayonara, self-esteem.
  57. “Maybe we should start seeing other people” Cringe factor: 6.
  58. Ah, bitterness.
  59. Everything’s better with bitter.
  60. Bitterness is a many splendored thing.
  61. Bitter? I hardly even know her! (rim shot)
  62. I’d like the break-up haircut please, extra conditioner.
  63. How do I want my coffee? Black, like your heart!!!
  64. How do I want my eggs? Scrambled, like my soul.
  65. I’d now like to take back every love poem, haiku, and rondo.
  66. We’re shipping troops overseas? Send me!
  67. Testing new pharmaceuticals? Pick me!
  68. Balancing the budget? Me me me!!
  69. “If it weren’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have no luck at all.”
  70. “It’s not you, it’s me.” Cringe factor: 9.
  71. You get along, they fight constantly.
  72. You break up, they’re still together.
  73. Ain’t love grand?
  74. I’ve got the lovesick to my stomach makes me wanna holler les’ better blues.
  75. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you.
  76. Ah television, you’ll never leave me.
  77. Sweet sweet beer, you’ll never forsake me.
  78. Dear chocolate, promise me you’ll always be my one and only.
  79. Lovely nicotine, you’ll… oh, forget it.
  80. Breakup Express, a new service featuring quick courteous delivery to your door of the dreaded news.
  81. The Love Doctor is in.
  82. Advice to singles: You are not alone (no, wait, you are).
  83. Advice to steadies: Yes, that is a gun pointed at your head.
  84. Advice to the lovelorn: Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stranger.
  85. Advice to the engaged: Pawn your rings.
  86. Advice to newlyweds: separate honeymoons.
  87. Advice to divorcees: I told you so.
  88. That’s okay, my friends never liked you anyway. Nyaah.
  89. It’s good to have a sense of humor, so it can get crushed, too.
  90. “I gave her my heart, and she gave me a pen.”
  91. Who gets custody of the stuffed animals?
  92. I believe my inner child is saying, “KILL ME NOW!! KILL ME NOW!!”
  93. Everyone’s fave question: “Whatcha thinking about?”
  94. Everyone’s fave response: “Umm… nothing?”
  95. I’m allergic to puppy love.
  96. Let’s fight over the wagon wheel coffee table.
  97. “I just don’t love you anymore.” Cringe factor: 9.6.
  98. Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk.
  99. “As contestants in the Relationship Game, here are some lovely parting gifts. Thanks for playing. Suckers.”
  100. Isn’t co-dependency fun?
  101. Love sucks, and then you die.

Despite all his rage, Wade Kwon is still just a rat in a cage.

Originally appeared in the February 1996 issue of Black and White.


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Read more Wade’s 101.

4 Yips for “Wade’s 101: Love sucks”

  1. Southtrek
    Sunday, February 11, 2007, 10:07 pm

    I’m reading your 101 while listening to Loudon Wainwright III’s “People In Love”, how appropriate.

  2. Ginny
    Monday, February 12, 2007, 3:11 pm

    So much has changed in 11 years. Or, not.

  3. Wade
    Tuesday, February 13, 2007, 9:16 pm

    Some things are timeless. Like good music. Or the pain of love.

  4. Cowboy Caleb – Love Sucks 101
    Sunday, September 16, 2007, 10:45 am

    […] Love Sucks 101 – hilarious! […]

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