Gift of the Magi City

Now that you’ve stuffed yourself silly, it’s time to move on to the next holiday sport of the long weekend: extreme shopping.

Let us first dispense with the “hot” gifts of 2005. And by hot, we mean “available everywhere.”

The chocolate fondue fountain ($50). Guaranteed to be in the discount aisle by February, this year’s counter clutterer regurgitates a never-ending cascade of warm rich sweet chocolate. Though if you’re stuck at someone’s New Year’s party, it’ll likely be the crappy chocolate that’s one step up from carob. Yuck.
For the past decade, we’ve had one household appliance after another thrust upon us at Xmas time, so if that aunt you hate to shop for (because you secretly hate that aunt) needs another gift, you can stick her with some gadget you picked up at the Houseware Hut. You did get her a rotating pizza oven, quesadilla maker, iced tea brewer, s’mores grill and fondue kit, didn’t you?

Where, oh where, is the “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” tie-in?!
The gas pump liquor dispenser ($40). Tacky, tacky, tacky. J. says it’ll be appearing in dorm rooms everywhere when kids head back to school in January, but we say it’s destined for rumpus rooms and sleazy dens across America.
Hey, why not combine the recent headaches over soaring gas prices with a whimsical retro toy that dispenses alkyhawl? Again, beware the el cheapo booze most folks will fill 'er up with. Better make ours Super Premium Unleaded.

If they do pop up on campus, listen for something other than “Chug! Chug! Chug!” — maybe “Pump! Pump! Pump!”
Tumble Time Tigger ($20). You know the retail season is in trouble when this is the closest thing you’ll see to a Furby or Tickle-Me Elmo. Our pal Tigger does cartwheels and handsprings (pawsprings?) on demand to a child’s demented clapping.
Let’s face it, if the manufacturer really wants to merchandise the Disneyfied version of A.A. Milne’s classic children’s tale, go all the way: Suicidal Eeyore. Will he blow his brains out? Set himself on fire? Never wake up from a despondent stupor? The possibilities are endless, even if Eeyore isn’t.

Tigger, please.
Plasma TV sets ($1,000-up). Their time has come. They will not be denied.
We predict this is the year the masses give in to that finest of opiates, widescreen HDTV. The prices have dropped considerably, and whether you’re into slim or projection, LCD or plasma, you won’t let another Christmas pass by without a serious upgrade to your tube.

What gets us is the ol’ switcheroo at the big-box electronics stores. We’ve noticed that the HDTV picture is breathtakingly brilliant on the larger pricier models, but downright staticky on the smaller (below 40 inches) sets. Hmm …

No matter. We couldn’t picture ourselves watching “Freddie” on anything less than 70 inches.

Please please steer clear of these items. We beg you.

But before you head out for Black Friday — sorry, African-American Friday — a few last-minute tips.

First, if you really want to be ahead of the pack, the Riverchase Galleria is having its fifth annual Rockin’ Shoppin’ Eve from 3 to 7 a.m. Friday. Mobile-based band the Tip Tops will be there to ~~drive you to drink~~ entertain you with Motown sounds. Only half of the mall’s 200 stores will be participating.
Second, DealMac.com reports that Wal-Mart, in addition to already posting its specials online, will match competitors’ prices on Friday. See the story from Reuters.
Third, as part of Google’s ongoing attempt to take over the world (estimated complete date: 2009), the search engine-plus added something to Froogle, its shopping search engine.
The Local feature allows users to look for products in their area. For instance, if you were to look for “plasma tv” in the Birmingham 35203 area, you’d find more than a dozen hits.

And you’re going out in all that traffic because … ?