Wade’s 101: Your tax dollars at work
By Wade Kwon1040 follies
1. File on time or pay a penalty.
2. File on time and pay a penalty.
3. Check here to donate $1 to starving presidential candidates.
4. Occupation: wage slave.
5. Filing status: bitchy, broke.
6. Dependents: cat, cat, plant, cat.
7. Where it asks if you want to be audited, circle “No.”
8. Meth lab income: Attach Form 23646.
9. Make sure your W-2 has enough zeros.
10. If you’d like to receive special offers and promotions, check here.
Where the money goes
11. More. Flags.
12. More diverted to line pockets now that the ATM (Abramoff Temptation Machine) is broken.
13. Fancier premium mustard for military bases.
14. Fund FCC witch hunt for nipples and cussing.
15. Buy Cheney that “Senate 50-50” tie he’s been wanting.
16. Pay people to ride Amtrak.
17. Subsidize art to foster creative expression, with pocket change from congressional sofa cushions.
18. More research to end heartbreak of psoriasis.
19. Outfit outsourced ports with signage in Arabic.
20. Focus on one mammoth pork project instead of scattered minor ones.
21. And the pork project? National Traveling Museum of Puppies.
22. Promote handjobs as abstinence for teens.
23. Sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.
24. Or ill-tempered mutated sea bass.
25. Cross-promotional campaign with Six Flags to rollercoast for freedom.
26. Those phones aren’t going to tap themselves.
27. Clone Jessica and Ashlee Simpson … before the Germans do.
28. Draft AFTA, the Antarctica Free Trade Agreement.
29. Some decent custom-built torture racks.
30. Allow FDA to approve even crazier drug names.
31. Nuke Hollywood.
32. Stock national parks with plenty of bears, Wi-Fi hot spots.
33. Bomb Baghdad schools as part of “No Iraqi Left Behind” program.
34. Investigate steroid abuse in Iraqi national pastime, ambushing U.S. soldiers.
35. Commission Brooks and/or Dunn to write catchy new Iraqi national anthem.
36. Create 21st century New Deal, employing Iraqis as sand preservationists, ditch pavers, beat poets.
37. Clean up Iraqi environment by removing toxic crude oil from underground.
38. Whip up pro-American fervor in Iraq by “pimping their rides.”
39. Stabilize Iraqi economy by decreasing currency supply and restructuring trade balance, or just give everyone 10 shares in Halliburton.
40. Spend quality time with Iraqi kids spawned by American contractors.
41. Designate some obscure Iraqi species as “endangered,” just to piss them off.
42. Create financial incentives for U.S. corporations to divert jobs headed to Mexico instead to Iraq.
43. Invest in faster, higher-capacity shredders, just in case.
44. Pawn FEMA off on NOAA.
45. Raise retirement age to individual’s IQ.
46. Three-day bender of booze and highway construction projects.
47. Stealth Humvees.
48. Stealth horses.
49. Stealth Segways.
50. Bet half on red, half on black. Can’t lose.
51. Pay Rupert Murdoch for fair, balanced coverage.
52. Etch Bible verses on lunar surface.
53. Send bill to New Orleans for relief supplies, boat rentals.
54. Subsidize farmers growing fat-free tobacco.
55. Develop third Internet for left-handed users.
56. Special election fraud investigation panel into alleged “American Idol” voting irregularities.
57. Buy space shuttles in bulk.
58. More soap for CDC researchers to wash their filthy mitts.
59. America’s 230th birthday deserves its own unique super sweet gala.
60. Finally redesign $2 bill with trendy colors, sponsor logos.
61. Bring back Casual Fridays.
62. Negotiate treaty with forests, confine them to reservations, take land.
63. Train airport security personnel to identify terrorists by smell, taste.
64. Bipartisan effort to destroy third-party organizations.
65. Pray harder.
66. Declare War on Meth, jail addicts, declare victory.
67. Boost our self-esteem with water Zoloft-ization program.
68. Reconfigure food pyramid into food hexahedron.
69. Hire someone to convert intelligence briefings into podcasts for federal officials on the go.
70. Merge Food and Drug Administration with Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
71. Merge Coast Guard with Merchant Marines.
72. Merge executive, legislative and judicial branches.
73. Warehouse repeat offenders in old missile silos.
74. Reinstitute “No pedophiles” rule at Homeland Security.
75. Ensure colorblind policy in government hiring by allowing only whites to apply, interview.
76. Begin public debate on 2010 Census accuracy … now.
77. Pay Medicare in HealthyBucks, redeemable at selected clinics and hospitals.
78. Build cutting-edge fusion reactors to supply power, mutant superheroes.
79. Have FBI investigate possible terrorist attacks on unspecified date at unspecified location with light to heavy collateral damage.
80. Wall off red states, blue states.
81. Bring back Casual Fascism.
82. A new stamp honoring postal rate increases.
83. Brand aliens. Even the legal ones.
84. Sell latest economic forecasts on iTunes.
85. Draw army recruits NBA style, live on television with caps and everything.
86. Push for development of energy-saving hybrid tanks.
87. Butch up the Peace Corps.
88. Cut loose Puerto Rico, Wake Islands.
89. Upgrade VA hospitals to “Blue: Guarded.”
90. Double number of Great Lakes by year’s end.
91. Whatever it is, build in a 3 percent budget increase for next year.
92. Make the United Nations our bitch.
93. Train welfare recipients to eat less, darn socks.
94. Create new OSHA standards for sleeping on the job, surfing the Web.
95. It’s not too late to revive Terri Schiavo, is it?
96. Regulate, pander or destroy.
97. At long last, recognize corporate interests straining to be heard.
98. Formalize relations with Qumar.
99. Find that bug hair in every millionth jar of peanut butter.
100. Mars, bitches.
101. Faith-based governing.
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