Wade’s 101: 9/11 + 5

Then
1. Fear of turbans.
2. Fear of white powder.
3. Fear of Osama.
4. Fear of speaking out.
5. Fear of uber-jingoistic country anthems.
6. Fear of yellow cake and aluminum tubes.
7. Fear of knowing too little.
8. Fear of sharing too much.
9. When is it OK to laugh?
10. When is it OK to stop crying?
11. First stop, Afghanistan.
12. Next stop … Iraq?!
13. Color-coded alert-level chart: “I’m feeling orange to blue.”
14. “Let’s roll.”
15. “Fahrenheit 9/11.”
16. “My Pet Goat.”
17. “… or the terrorists will have won.”
18. “Coalition of the Willing.”
19. “Axis of Evil.”
20. “Ground Zero.”
21. “Freedom fries.”
22. “Mission accomplished.”
23. Everywhere you look, flags.
24. My friend watched the Pentagon aftermath, not on TV, but from her apartment picture window.
25. A colleague worked in the World Trade Center up until the week before 9/11.

Now
26. Mired in Iraq.
27. Frustrated by FEMA.
28. Pickpocketed at the pump.
29. Divided by red and blue.
30. Taunted by Osama on YouTube.
31. Shoeless at the airport.
32. Mourning more attacks in Madrid, in London …
33. Got Saddam.
34. The ironically prescient commercial where Sierra Mist is confiscated at the airport security checkpoint.
35. Exporting flawed democracy.
36. The height of hypocrisy.
37. “They hate our freedom.”
38. “Too soon.”
39. “Support our troops.”
40. “America, fuck yeah, comin’ again to save the motherfuckin’ day, yeah.”
41. “Why We Fght.”
42. “No-fly list.”
43. I sometimes wonder why people continue to remain oblivious to the world outside America.
44. And I ask myself, are we better off than we were five years ago?
45. Phones are tapped.
46. E-mails are checked.
47. Bank records are scanned.
48. Everyone is suspect.
49. Freedom isn’t free.
50. But are we?

Soon
51. We catch Osama in a McDonald’s in São Paulo.
52. Iraq is left with a stable democracy amidst a fractured landscape.
53. We buy off Iran with guns and Starbucks.
54. North Korea throws a nuclear temper tantrum and is roundly ignored.
55. Israel, Lebanon begin negotiations over mutual hatred of Bono’s meddling via his Rock Talk summit, sponsored by iTunes.
56. The World Trade Center site is moved to Jersey for practical reasons.
57. Daily retina “loyalty” scans.
58. In a tight race between Condi and Hillary, the Supreme Court awards Dubya a third presidential term.
59. The term “9/11” is changed to “Patriot or Else Day.”
60. The Pentagon adds the F and G rings, and a chewy caramel center.
61. No solid conclusions are drawn from additional investigations, as the terrorist attacks are attributed to overtaxation.
62. Iraqi restaurants rule!
63. For some reason, we get Ramadan off.
64. Bipartisanship succeeds, sort of, as Republicans annex the Democratic Party.
65. A new generation raised on duck and cover your ass.
66. Madonna has a Muslim phase.
67. Cops and firefighters rewarded with additional pay cuts.
68. The terrorists win, but only because we let them, and they cheat, and it’s all about sportsmanship.
69. Instead of fluoride, Cipro added to water supply.
70. Most of the world’s problems end with global warming.
71. Cut and/or run.
72. “Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States: The Video Game.”
73. We get over it, yet, we never really get over it.
74. It doesn’t seem like it, but eventually, we’ll learn to put aside hatred for the greater good.
75. Or die trying.

Future
76. Our great-great-grandchildren can do Arabic pickup lines.
77. We live in fear, but more of a steady-background-noise type of fear.
78. The 100th anniversary marked with fireworks and linen sales.
79. Some forgiveness, some forgetfulness.
80. Oil is discovered at Ground Zero.
81. But hovercars run on mulch at this point.
82. Unearthed blogs recall where people were the moment they found out, which for many was at a computer typing their blogs.
83. We actually make nice with the Germans.
84. But not the Finns.
85. Terrorism is finally outlawed.
86. Constitution now reserved for special occasions.
87. The new, new normal. Much like the old, old normal.
88. The gene for zealotry is isolated, removed, shot and burned.
89. In a hotly debated decision, the jihad against America is renewed for another season.
90. And the revolution will be televised, but more people end up watching a lingerie fashion show followed by a gritty cop drama.
91. The master race is Asian.
92. The master religion is Zoroastrianism.
93. No one’s really happy about either.
94. Alert levels now determined by audience vote.
95. Terrorists given right to marry other terrorists.
96. Planes are safer, but not completely safe.
97. Stadiums are safer, but not completely safe.
98. Children are safer, but not completely safe.
99. Fear keeps us sharp.
100. But hope lives on.

A moment of silence
101.

• • •

Read more Wade’s 101.

Posted: Monday, September 11, 2006, 11:17 pm, in Wade's 101.
For this entry: E-mail | comments feed | trackback.