Wade on Birmingham

Tuesday Night Lights: Couples in crisis


Hoover vs. Homewood … Brittany vs. Mark … Brandon vs. Ross … Charlie vs. the English language. It’s a “Two-a-Days” showdown between these young foes.

Who will yell louder? Who will cave in? Who will slink away in defeat? And who will wear the T-shirt of Destiny? Let’s meet our pugilistic pairs.


Ross and Charlie high-five for scoring six.

Highlights from episode 3, season 2 of the MTV reality series …


The grating outdoors: Brittany proposes, while Mark disposes.

Field of schemes: Like most typical teens, Hoover kids like to party in empty fields around a campfire. No, really. Brittany pitches a tent (insert penis joke here) for a possible overnight outing, and her boyfriend Mark is unhappy. This co-ed outing could turn into an orgy, a pimply Buccaneer orgy, after the players leave because they have an early morning practice.

Mark argues with Brittany, calling her a liar when she says no boys will be allowed in the tent (insert second penis joke here). He manages to break his pickup’s tailgate — see what you made him do, Brit?! Looks like drama ain’t just a tall hack on “Entourage.”


Brandon can’t catch a break a practice.

Catch and release: Brandon’s got relationship troubles of his own. Seems as though our young receiver can’t consistently, well, receive. Heck, he’s still stunned from last week’s trip into Rebel country, with Vestavia Hills fans waving Confederate flags and yelling the n-word.

It takes two to drop passes, and Brandon and quarterback Ross can’t seem to get in sync. Luckily, Coach Propst has gentle words of encouragement: “You need to do less studying and more watching football!” He’s worth every penny of the four teachers’ salaries he makes.


Brandon in MTV’s The Shop; Byron advises his brother.

That’s not the only hairy situation, as Brandon talks things over with his barber while getting a haircut, or really, more like a cornrow trim. He also discusses matters with brother Byron, who traded in his wild ’fro with … cornrows.

Where the hell is cheerleading coach Shane Martin, he of the mane attraction? Sigh.


Brittany and Mark, the healing begins with hot wings.

Pitching detente: Mark and Brittany patch things up over dinner at a restaurant. She: Blah blah we weren’t planning an orgy blah. He: Blah blah I feel stupid blah blah I’m sorry blah. And like that, the fight is finished. “So can we stop talking about it?” Mark asks. Yeah, you only think you’re done talking about it.


Coaches = more than one coach,
coaches’ = belonging to more than one coach.

Meanwhile, Propst talks with Ross behind closed door about Ross’ recent flagging performance on the field. Propst says, “Just know that I love you. I think you’re the best quarterback we’ve ever had.” Egad, what have they done with our feisty fearless leader?


Behold the T-shirt of Destiny!

How out there is Hoover? It has game-specific T-shirts for sale. And you can’t spell Hoover or its opponent Homewood without “ho” …



‘Me fail English? That’s unpossible!’

It’s a perfectly cromulent world: At practice, Mark brags about passing the Alabama graduation exam, to which DeJohn responds, “You’d literally have to be classified as retarded not to pass it.” (Hey, I passed it. Eventually.)

Charlie could probably use some tutoring from Mark. His report card shows a 67 in English (and from what we can tell, a 70 in statistics, a 70 in economics, an 84 in science and three 100s, all in phys ed). Charlie stashes the report card under his dresser, along with his dream of being, you know, literate.

Patriot game: The Bucs take on the Patriots, and while Brandon sputters, Charlie snags the impossible catches. Even so, this may be the unhappiest championship team dominating most of the game.

Charlie’s performance earns him MVP, which nets him a medal, a trophy and … the T-shirt of Destiny. His parents beam with pride, unaware of his scarlet D.

The final: 44-21.

“Two-a-Days” airs at 9 p.m. Tuesdays on MTV, repeating throughout the week and available for free online.

Previously: The Vestavia Hills have eyes.
And next: Brandon keeps trying; tension (not the good kind) between Charlie and Kristen.


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Dude, more “Two-a-Days.”

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