Wade on Birmingham

Wade’s 101: Birmingham’s 2020 Summer Olympics


Torch Relay
1. Stops to light a lot of smokes along U.S. 31.
2. And to roast a pig.
3. Chased by dogs, nearly extinguished by fire hoses.
4. Flame changes to green if no traffic fatalities occur.
5. Due to severe drought conditions, torch transported by hearse surrounded by trooper cars most of the time.
6. As per contract, torchbearers must smile while using sponsor’s product, Cialis With Lime.
7. Fire bad. But free publicity good.
8. Charles Barkley runs it into Legion Field, tripping over his mouth a couple of times.
9. And lighting the cauldron, it’s the 1980 Birmingham Bulls squad!
10. And parking the cars, it’s the 1980 Birmingham Bulls squad.

11. Synchronized Whining
12. Shot-Spotting
13. Monathlon, the endurance sport consisting of bass fishing and bass fishing alone
14. MAX Riding (one lone bus circling)
15. Republican Outing
16. Freestyle Club Shootings
17. Sewer Refinancing
18. Quoting Scripture Out of Context
19. Extreme Bum Fighting
20. Redneck Toss
21. Texting (team and individual)
22. Regional Cooperation (demonstration sport only)
23. Running to Wal-Mart for Just a Moment to Pick Up a Few Things
24. Rubbing It in Atlanta’s Face
25. Something about Web 37.0 …
26. Wii Judo
27. Basque Pelota (Google it, losers)
28. Race Baiting
29. Forensic Accounting
30. Cross-Country Eating
31. Abstinence Until Gay Marriage
32. Pig Wrasslin’!
33. Waterboarding
34. Figure Skating, because dammit, our biggest dreams will become reality if we work hard enough.

35. The Langford Institute for Unicorns and Tax Shelters
36. Suzuki Boy!
37. Golden Flake Steroids
38. Really Old Navy
39. The Furnace (now with 12 convenient sexy locations)
40. Tallulah’s Pharmaceuticals and Preserves
41. Powdermilk Biscuits
42. The Guild of Calamitous Intent
43. Wikipedia the Magazine
44. Mercedes-Benz, but we pay them to be a sponsor
45. Visionland
46. Whatever megabank that exists from all current banks merged together
47. Just for De Feet
48. The Jews

49. Dome 1, near the dog/horse/ostrich track
50. Dome 2, North Birmingham/South Huntsville
51. Dome 3, the Shuladome
52. Dome 4, over by— who are we kidding? This city will never build a fourth dome. That’s crazy talk.
53. The Y in Bessemer
54. The non-Latino parts of Hoover, Vestavia Hills and Pelham
55. Your aunt’s back yard. Because the church parking lot already has a carnival.
56. The giant hole where the sewer used to be
57. Railroad Reservation Park and Badminton Bubble
58. The prison planet of Teegeeack

Faster, Higher, Stranger
59. Like 2008 Olympics, completely in Chinese.
60. Team USA wins big, but Team America World Police takes just one silver, in taekwondo.
61. Testing positive for meth earns you a whuppin’.
62. Opening ceremonies features all 620 “American Idol” performers.
63. Head gymnastics judge: bitter old man Simon Cowell.
64. An efficient jitney fleet runs citywide.
65. Flashing light on hand crystal indicates approaching Lastday, and time for Carousel.
66. New Vulcan dances to music.
67. Old Vulcan rusts.
68. In case of tie, winner determined by E-meter scan.
69. Sixth Olympic ring added for inflation.
70. Coming out of retirement, Rick makes fun of the Asian countries, Bubba mocks the African ones.
71. Hannah Montana grabs herself at closing ceremonies; riot ensues.
72. Team Japan, all transforming robots, celebrates gold medal haul with killing spree.
73. Screw metrics! Every event in feets, pounds and gallons.
74. All national anthems played on banjo.
75. Medals available in plain and “God Bless America” varieties.
76. Countries harboring terrorists are so not invited.
77. Countries we have bombed get in free, with complementary pat-down.
78. Country with worst finish immortalized with flag decal, upon which Calvin pees.
79. Entire event powered by combination of solar and wind— just kidding. It’s still oil and coal, hippies.
80. But the Olympic Village will recycle needles and shattered dreams.
81. Chinese there just to laugh at our utter dependence on their cheap goods and taunting fortune cookies.
82. Russians decry lack of Eastern European escorts.
83. Iranians scream “Death to America!” when line at Milo’s tent slows to a crawl.
84. Jamaicans enjoy a fattie with Alan Hunter.
85. Canadians and Mexicans go continental on our asses.
86. Homesick Cubans huddle around a sad, sputtering box fan.
87. The Swiss harvest sleeping athletes’ kidneys.
88. Unified Korea tries to convert heathen Baptists to Buddhism.
89. Thetans try to add third kidneys to sleeping athletes.
90. Brookies shop. It’s what they do.
91. Rebels make one last stand for states’ rights, human enslavement.
92. Replicants dream of electric sheep.
93. Euro-Disneyans give the black power salute on medal stand.

94. “Breathe our ozone-rich spirit.”
95. “Welcome to the Pittsburgh of the World!”
96. “Ten p.m. curfew strictly enforced.”
97. “Birmingham, where we’re as sweet as our tea, and we have the diabetes to prove it.”
98. “Next year in Jacksonville.”
99. “Y’all foreigners is welcome back any time.”
100. “The Iron Bowl of Non-Football Spectacles!”
101. “Suckers!”

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