Wade’s 101: Bill, Hillary and Kev

Originally published July 1995.

The World of Bill Gates
1. Technoweenies, unite!
2. A computer in every pot.
3. Instead of cursive, learn to draw barcodes.
4. In a valley of silicon, he’s the king.
5. You’ll need a PIN just to take a leak.
6. If it doesn’t say Microsoft on the label, it will.
7. Become ergonomically correct or else.
8. At least 10 governors and three cabinet members to be replaced by laptops.
9. His hamster’s name? Windows 95.
10. Seattle is his lady …

11. Where do you want to go today? (Answer: Nowhere with you.)
12. Goodbye, dial tone. Hello, Muzak.
13. Two words: sex machine (batteries not included).
14. Those who can, do. Those who can’t, run the technical support hotlines.
15. His motto: Eccentricity pays.
16. The fax machine won’t be just another piece of office equipment, it’ll be sportswear.
17. The Prez sez, “Get your digital ya-yas while you can.”
18. Your life now comes in two formats: CD-ROM or optical disk.
19. Everywhere you look … geeks.
20. His watch can paralyze a man a thousand feet away.
21. The Microsoft Network whitens teeth *and* freshens breath.
22. Capital punishment: the big rat in the cage strapped to your face (“Bill Gates is watching”).
23. He’s really much shorter in person.
24. The next phase involves fast food, plastic cash, and flyin’ sheep.
25. Was sent here in rocketship after his home planet exploded.
26. Get your money for nothing (and your chat for free).
27. … one nation under Gates, with high-speed processing and network capability for all.
28. Usually only CEO left when choosing up sides for star chamber volleyball.
29. The most popular religious denomination: Solitaire.
30. “You must first dial Bill Gates when calling this number. Please hang up and try your call again.”
31. If it bleeds, we can upgrade it.
32. The new Beastie Boys album? “Licensed to Bill.”
33. Golf carts that can reach speeds up to 300 m.p.h.
34. Would eventually like to meet Mimi Rogers.
35. Search warrants now available at your local drugstore.
36. (for advanced users) Moods must be expressed by typographic symbols, such as 🙂 and :-P.
37. (for advanced users) Who’s Bill Gates???
38. (for advanced users) Vaporware made cheaper and better.
39. (for advanced users) Q: How many Microsoft customers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
40. (for advanced users) A: Three — one to register it, one to use it illegally in eight different sockets, and one to rewire the light switch.
41. For extra cash, moonlights as an aerobics instructor.
42. Your pudding tastes like laser toner.
43. Seriously believes he’s got a lock on that whole “He who dies with the most toys, wins” thing.
44. One nation, one station.
45. Beam me up, Mr. Gates.

The World of Hillary Rodham Clinton
46. Women rule like Amazons, men cry like faucets.
47. The graft stops here.
48. Everything she touches turns to red tape.
49. Started secret bombing campaign in Whitewater, Ark.
50. Bill plays the sax, she plays the Dole.
51. To paraphrase the Beatles, health care is a warm gun.
52. Anything Tipper does, Hillary can do better. (“No, she can’t.” “Yes, she can.”)
53. Nagging feeling that you’re not getting your fair share.
54. Random White House gunfire interrupting Chelsea’s violin practice.
55. Camp David is neither a camp nor a David. Discuss.
56. Touching Howell Heflin gives you cooties.
57. Strom Thurmond is an old cootie.
58. The secret ingredient to her chocolate chip cookies? Care.
59. More hairdos than a wig shop.
60. Uses banana magnet to post launch codes on the fridge.
61. Could snap you like a twig.
62. Ambassador of Good Will: Dave’s mom.
63. Believes in truth, justice, and the American Gladiators (ooh, Nitro!).
64. Fall agenda: distributing free condoms in Bosnian high schools.
65. Her diary’s name? Rush.
66. She is woman, hear her roar …
67. Laughing all the way to the bank with 50 percent cut of profits on “Who Elected Her?” bumper stickers.
68. Air Force One, Braves 0.
69. Every now and then, Newt’s mom gets mysterious 3 a.m. crank call.
70. Loves to hunt possum.
71. Remember Cleopatra?
72. Campaign slogan: “Don’t Make Me Angry; You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry.”
73. In case of emergency, liberal media elite prepares escape pod.
74. She’s not an AIDS policymaker, but she plays one on TV.
75. Her Secret Service code name: “Kitten.”
76. With $100,000 income from trading cattle futures, bought pair of Olympic '96 table tennis tickets.
77. Her favorite attorney? The one in the mirror.
78. Once drank five jumbo Dr Peppers at a screening of “Batman.”
79. 100 percent bimbo free.
80. The Prez sez, “Whatever Hillary says, right dear?”
81. Big fat tariffs on Japanese luxury cars? Her idea.
82. Secretly penning tell-all book, “How a Bill Becomes a Lawsuit.”
83. Voted “Most Likely to Tax and Spend” in high school.
84. Socks could take Millie in a fair fight.
85. To fight crime, moonlights as Janet Reno’s Boy Wonder.
86. Has faked it since 1966.
87. Likes odd-numbered amendments, hates even-numbered amendments.
88. Owns patent on bong as big as your head.
89. Try our thick juicy balanced budget.
90. Something tells me we’re not in Arkansas anymore.

Marry Me, Kevin Macdowell
91. Hey, there …
92. You with the stars in your eyes.
93. Some call it chance.
94. I call it fate.
95. Looks like Adam West.
96. Sounds like Norm MacDonald.
97. “I’m Kevin MacDowell, and now the fake news.”
98. Take me now, you blow-dried news-reading desk-bound superstud.
99. They should’ve called the movie, “Anchorman Forever.”
100. I’ll see you at 5, 6, and 10 — in my dreams.
101. Oh, nevermind …

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