Wade’s 101: How we’ll spend the summer

1. Debating “X-Men 3” vs. “Da Vinci”: Who would win, Wolverine or Jesus?
2. Last year: sucking ozone. This year: ozone enemas.
3. Fainting, for dramatic purposes only.
4. Scouring Facebook.com for psycho rants.
5. Missing a kidney.
6. Undermining the new committee chairman.
7. Sending the kids to Border Patrol Camp.
8. Swimming secretly in neighbor’s pool.
9. Peeing secretly in neighbor’s pool.
10. “Tiara Girls” marathon!!
11. Chiseling the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt have more than one campaign issue.
12. Giving up hope.
13. Practicing chastity (involuntarily).
14. Giving 1.10 percent.
15. Recording our trip to the tattoo parlor for YouTube posterity.
16. Getting our freak balanced and rotated.
17. Retooling our business model for a more synergistic platform.
18. Telling made-up stories about how we knew Taylor Hicks back when.
19. Drunk and dizzy. Mostly drunk.
20. Blogging about our annoying co-workers and their stupid habits and their ugly children.
21. Knitting, dammit, knitting.
22. Voting against gay marriage, then filing for divorce. Again.
23. You know what our MySpace page really needs? More glitter.
24. On 6-6-06, the streets shall run with blood. Or snocones. One of the two.
25. Babysitting our illegitimate spawn.
26. Perfecting the recipe for cheap homemade unleaded gas.
27. Catching up on old tax returns.
28. Exporting young professionals to India, Charlotte.
29. Finding Snoop. Dropping it like it’s hot. Then, picking it up again and brushing it off.
30. Xboxing till our thumbs bleed.
31. Camping out one last time at the dirt pile.
32. Sephora you, Sephora me, Sephora them, Sephora we.
33. Fading fast.
34. Changing phone number again. (Thanks, NSA.)
35. Waiting till the very last minute to check wedding registry, end up buying crummy napkins.
36. Having bling bronzed.
37. Campaigning door to door for the status quo.
38. Kicking out freeloading cousin from basement.
39. Making out with online hookups.
40. Then, pancakes.
41. Renewing our car tags. And our faith in God. Whichever expires first.
42. Solving the wacky “Lost” Web game: “Drink your Ovaltine.”
43. Building overpriced condos.
44. Hunting wabbits.
45. Randomly shouting “Melting Pot!” “Mancha’s!” “Magic City Brewery!” “Studio!” “Louie Louie!” “Happy Buddha!”
46. At least four awkward encounters with people we know but can’t remember their names or much else.
47. Hanging in there, baby.
48. Proving Daddy wrong because he never believed in us. Daddy? Daddy??
49. Deporting Katrina refugees.
50. Deporting Muslims.
51. Deporting Latinos.
52. Deporting Vulcan (heathen, with weapon, without pants).
53. Deporting gays.
54. Deporting Arubans.
55. Deporting jobs.
56. Shouting directions to our house into the phone even though we e-mailed you the frickin’ e-vite with the frickin’ map.
57. Refinancing based on low low rates hurry now.
58. Crashing honeymoons.
59. Snakes on an overkill.
60. Painting the town redneck.
61. Wearing “I’m a Katie” or “I’m a Meredith” tee.
62. Pretending we’re really really happy for you.
63. Then, laughing behind your back.
64. Making copies.
65. Trying to get that stupid “Bad Day” song out of our head.
66. Feeling down.
67. Feeling up.
68. Developing a meth with Splenda instead of sugar, which rots teeth.
69. Gossiping about celebrity babies.
70. Getting the band back together.
71. Volunteering for National Guard to get out of jury duty.
72. Sleeping in. In our cubicle.
73. Writing killer TV pilot about mysteriously connected strangers plotting to kidnap host of “SNL”-type show throughout course of one day.
74. When no one’s looking, petting the cat.
75. Putting the BS back into VBS.
76. Groping. For answers, you perv.
77. Spending our way to solvency.
78. Lobbying for a “domed puppy farm” instead of a domed stadium.
79. Trending sideways.
80. Staying out of trouble. Mostly.
81. Keeping score. Always.
82. Selling our now-collectible AmSouth swag on eBay.
83. Snarking mercilessly.
84. One last drink at Dave’s and/or Bailey’s.
85. Taking the long way.
86. Clearing out old “One Tree Hill” eps from the TiVo.
87. Eating healthy, as far as you know.
88. Binging and merging.
89. Heckling the Siegelman-Scrushy trial: “Yo mama’s so corrupt, baby got PAC.”
90. Vacationing at the dollar spa.
91. Driving while talking on the phone, drinking water, changing CDs, looking for the map and ogling pedestrians.
92. Reading “The Purpose-Driven Life” to see if it has a point.
93. Remodeling the rumpus room into a parlor.
94. Needling Barry Bonds. Ha!
95. Being ourselves, for what it’s worth.
96. Then, throwing up.
97. Spacing out.
98. Spacing out.
99. Spacing out. (Wait, did we already say that?)
100. Peacing out.
101. Have a good summer. Stay sweet! 🙂

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Posted: Wednesday, May 31, 2006, 4:03 pm, in Wade's 101.
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