Wade on Birmingham

Tuesday Night Lights: Dismember the titans

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Maybe the Hoover Bucs didn’t have the best season ever. Their hopes of a mythic national championship crashed hard earlier in the season. But the high school football powerhouse could still fulfill one record-breaking goal: a fifth straight state championship.

And so, Coach Propst and company are back on familiar turf, battling for the ring in one last game. It’s time for players, couples and teams to face their destiny in the hour-long season finale of “Two-a-Days.”

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The Buc brigade takes the field one last time.

Highlights from episode 9, season 2 of the MTV reality series …

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Answer: embarrassing hair, TV cameras galore,
laminated orange signs.

Last dance, last chance for love: The seniors go through their rituals: last cheerleading practice, last pep rally, last practice, last drill, etc. In case it’s not clear, they announce each fading milestone: “Well, this is our last time on this field together.”

Coach Propst is coy about his plans to return for next season, stating that if a better job comes along, he’ll consider it.

Meanwhile, Brittany confides to her mom about her uncertainty over whether she and boyfriend Mark will end up at the same college. That’s what you get for going to the psychic.

Finally, game day arrives and the Bucs take the field against the undefeated Prattville Lions, whose assistant coach, Lorenzo Pickett, died of an apparent heart attack on Thanksgiving. Pickett had played for the Lions on its last championship team in 1984.

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Only cheerleading coach Shane Martin has the gut to lead this crew.

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Didn’t he do it in the conservatory with a lead pipe?

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Seriously, how do they get that banner to the stadium?
Flatbed truck? Cargo plane?!

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The case for, and against, cornrows.

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Propst has his moment in the sun.

The fifth element: Prattville jumps to a quick 14-0 lead, as Hoover flails about. Quarterback Ross runs one in to put the Bucs on the board, but the Lions answer with a third touchdown. It’s 21-7 at the half. Not looking good.

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Ross reamed

Ross is smashed hard, sending him down and eventually to the sidelines. His backup hands off for a quick 5-yard touchdown run, 21-14. It’s back within reach.

Ross returns to the game, but throws another interception. That turns into another Prattville TD, which leads to a fifth one and seals Hoover’s fate.

The final? 35-14, before an estimated crowd of 30,000. The streak ends at four consecutive state championships, with a 14-2 record for the season.

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Drive for five: Prattville scores a fifth TD.

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When a 14-2 record isn’t enough …

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More agony of defeat.

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Loser talk.

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Even the plaque is mocking them.

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1. Coach Birdwell made us run laps in junior high.
2. Seriously, how about that track team? Now there’s a dynasty.

Couples of loose ends: The players clean out their lockers for the final ritual (not counting signing day or the year-end banquet). Coach Propst says that this year’s team wasn’t hungry enough.

But before the show concludes, it’s time to see whether the couples we somewhat care about will stay together or fall apart.

Mark and Brittany head out for a hunt, but end up sitting and discussing their future. Mark doesn’t want to Brittany to follow him if he plays football somewhere, only to be bored or disappointed. Clearly, she’s torn.

Ross and Elliot skip the camouflage and guns and dive right into The Talk on the couch. They both look forward to the long-distance thing with all the enthusiasm of another skull-rattling tackle. Of course, they’re not much of a couple 2 feet apart, so what’s 200 or so miles?

Charlie and Kristen mask their anxiety with the usual. Charlie makes dumb joke about girls doing his laundry at college; Kristen makes weird face and so-so comeback. Zing?

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What’s in season for Brittany and Mark? Love. And squirrels.

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Charlie: barely passing in English,
barely passing in his relationship with Kristen.

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Ross + Elliot + distance = meh.

Parental control: Call it gender wars, or call it skillful editing, but we detect a distinct difference between the father-son chats and the mother-daughter chats.

Charlie and his dad play catch (really) at the park. When they sit down for their spontaneous unscripted banter, Charlie’s dad tells him he’s proud of him, but that he needs to work hard in college to achieve. The girlfriend is never mentioned.

While shopping, Elliot and her mom discuss the Ross situation. Well, more like Mom keeps bringing it up and Elliot avoids it because she’s afraid they won’t make it as a couple. And you’ll remember earlier when Brittany was discussing the Mark situation with her toothsome mom.

The message: Boys, concentrate on your studies and your future. Girls, concentrate on your boys.

Sigh.

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Charlie, the Sanjaya of ‘Two-a-Days,’ and his dad bench themselves.

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Ross and DeJohn, who’ve played football together for 11 years,
watch a video of their peewee days. If they’re this nostalgic now,
they’ll be unbearable at middle age.

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Brandon and Byron are Clemson bound on signing day.

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Hello, nameless extras. Enjoy your 2 seconds of camera time.

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Mark starts boxing: ‘Football’s a little bit worse on
your body, but boxing’s probably worse on your face.’

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Remember when Charlie boxed a pencil, and lost? Good times.

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Mark tells Brittany he’s going to Alabama with her, forget
about football. Which sparks this sizzling eyes-open smooch.

Where are they now? Technically, still in high school. But for our main players …

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“Two-a-Days” aired at 9 p.m. Tuesdays on MTV, repeating throughout the week and available for free online.

Previously: The hatred continues against Vestavia Hills.

Also:

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Dude, more “Two-a-Days.”

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