To wreck our right to
privacy, Elf on the Shelf
can’t beat Alexa.

• • •

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The mall is dying
a death by a thousand clicks
for online shopping.

• • •

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Santa’s workers bled
and toiled while breathing in
sawdust and benzene.

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It’s shocking what a
few hundred thousand voters
can achieve as one.

• • •

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1. fanfare for the working man
   No vacations, no
   rest. In this country, every
   day is Labor Day.
2. wing it and smile
   Their plans were simply
   to hang out and see where the
   day and night take them.
3. the day the dream died
   The only country
   they’ve ever known is sending
   them far, far away.
4. a tiny step of faith
   It takes some courage
   to care. About someone else,
   a cause, a friendship.
5. paintings and knickknacks around the block
   The artists set up
   shop in bodegas and bars
   and crowded storefronts.
6. the reckoning
   Mother Nature came
   to collect on all debts, past,
   present and future.
7. grizzly hug
   I hold her tightly
   so none of the affection
   slips away from us.
8. peak anxiety
   Money woes, watching
   weight, spousal tiffs, work headaches
   and a wobbly faith.
9. hurricant
   The depression limps
   closer. Even the storm is
   tired of raining.
10. kids today
    With their selfies and
    their avocado toast and
    their vocal fry. Feh!
11. abuse your illusion
    Are we taking steps
    to live our dreams or faking
    it as usual?
12. should’ve ordered moscow mules
    A snowflake and a
    cuck walk into a bar. They
    gag on White Russians.
13. hypocritical oaf
    He asked others to
    stop posting political
    junk. Then he does it.
14. unending embrace
    I hold on tight to
    her with all the love I can
    muster. I hold on.
15. the end of privacy
    Eventually,
    the hackers get our eighth grade
    diaries and rhymes.
16. caravan of crazy
    Slowly winding up
    the interstate, yelling at
    each annoying jerk.
17. hand in hand, step by step
    We take time to mark
    the little milestones as we
    share the path forward.
18. woman’s best friend
    Her sidekick wanted
    nothing more than a few pats
    and full loyalty.
19. shakacon
    Nerds would gather to
    discuss the finer points of
    picking up Klingons.
20. unregulated monsters
    Supervisors looked
    with disdain at free spirits
    who slipped through somehow.
21. keeping score by the decibel
    Shouts rang out up and
    down the street as each team’s fans
    groaned and cheered their fates.
22. teach to the test
    Learn to fill in those
    bubbles in the allotted
    time or get left back.
23. politicize everything
    Let no gesture go
    unremarked and no statement
    go undissected.
24. before the notification bell
    An announcement on
    their relationship status
    was being crafted.
25. be labor
    Each hopeful waited
    to put their time and their back
    into a day’s work.
26. the check isn’t in the mail
    The mailbox was a
    yawning chasm of sordid
    promises, no hope.
27. the instruction manual
    Out the birth canal
    and into the world and then
    into the cold ground.
28. the incoherent stranger
    She came a’babblin’
    to the funeral service
    with pillows for shoes.
29. the crank
    Once confined to the
    basement, the crabby gent ran
    for a Senate seat.
30. loves horses and her boyfriend, too
    She’s a good girl, loves
    her mama. Loves Jesus and
    America, too.
31. the cost of doing nothing
    While we bicker through
    the same arguments on the
    same issues, folks die.
32. the nicer dollar store
    The nicer dollar
    store has better things on sale
    and fewer crime scenes.
33. pearl power
    After 12 years, I
    still get a thrill when hitting
    the Publish button.
34. a partner in prime
    We take on the day
    with no agenda other
    than to laugh out loud.
35. going to unchurch
    Worship football. Pray
    to brunch. Honor thy binge watch
    and thy extra sleep.
36. modern political discourse
    Angry tweet, then a
    gif meme, racist comments and
    whataboutism.
37. co-bucket list
    Whatever we do,
    wherever we roam, we seek
    the funnest of fun.
38. the coolest festival on earth
    He would sail down to
    Antarctica to sing to
    the penguins and seals.
39. medium-distance relationship
    They traded sexts by
    erotic semaphore to
    let their freak flags fly.
40. no quarters necessary
    Tap keys and grow plants
    and zap spaceships and rock hard
    and score lots of points.
41. the healing power of puppers
    The world is toast. But
    at least I can look at dogs
    on the Internet.
42. natty nuptials
    The bride wore a pearl
    strapless gown with beaded trim.
    The groom wore a tux.
43. race track report
    The cars turned and turned
    and turned and turned and turned and
    turned and turned and turned.
44. no more facades
    I want to be my
    best self and my worst self for
    the one I adore.
45. to the bunkers
    Are there really good
    people still left in the world
    or are they hiding?
46. movie night
    We sit close in the
    dark, hand in hand, eyes on the
    screen and each other.
47. cupcake gigante
    In the small pan rose
    a small cake. A small knife spread
    a schmear of icing.
48. months to live
    The doctor put down
    her charts and broke the bad news
    with a steady voice.
49. country music staples
    Trucks, Jesus, women,
    beer, dogs, heartbreak, the outdoors,
    Mama ‘n’ Daddy.
50. a rapist in the making
    He thought nothing of
    his many suggestive texts,
    his whispered come-ons.
51. not too many followers
    My cult is a weird
    mishmash of clean eating and
    freaky solo sex.
52. burn it all down
    Abusers always
    have a way of finding blame
    for all except them.
53. boo all day every day
    Nothing is scary
    enough for Halloween when
    life is a horror.
54. imaginary numbers
    How do we measure
    the unmeasurable? How
    do we count fairies?
55. custom costume
    A sword and pointy
    ears and boxing gloves and a
    princess-y cone hat.
56. at the moment before death
    Life is a series
    of dumb video clips that
    flash before your eyes.
57. make america weird again
    We drink Mountain Dew
    screwdrivers for breakfast and
    eat breakfast at night.
58. hard candy halloween
    A ghost tried to warn
    kids about the dangers of
    plaque and gum disease.
59. the color of hate
    Terrorists come in
    all shades: white, white, white, white, white,
    white, white, white and white.
60. that’s the way love goes
    The confusion that
    comes with budding amour grows
    my anxiety.
61. the unfairer sex
    Men, with their grabby
    hands and lewd remarks and cruel
    attitude. Xwhy?
62. the fortune teller’s creed
    Uncertainty breeds
    anxiety. Better to
    know bad news up front.
63. sunset in the afternoon
    Night begins as soon
    as lunch is done, and the drive
    home slinks through pitch black.
64. the biggest dragonfly ever
    A lone drone swoops through
    the park weaving through tall trees
    and dodging frisbees.
65. when johnny comes limping home
    A nation sends its
    young to war, then leaves them to
    pick up their own pieces.
66. when one become two
    We lie awake, side
    by side, wondering what the
    other wants in time.
67. modest riches
    Bills paid, flat fixed, new
    toaster, new underwear, cash
    for fast food takeout.
68. feed the trees
    The paperwork to
    reduce paperwork is held
    up by no paper.
69. for god and country
    They risked it all for
    apple pie and the Amer-
    ican way of life.
70. ode to a beard
    The scraggly friend who
    cleans up after meals, gives a
    tickler to faces.
71. after goodbye
    The beating goes on,
    a solitary thump. The
    heart wants what it wants.
72. tis better
    Love isn’t lost. It
    hides in the crevasses of
    the poor broken heart.
73. the march of time
    Six more weeks till a
    new year. Six more hours till a
    new day. Keep trying.
74. hushed skeletons
    Cruelty is silence
    smothering the victims of
    sexual violence.
75. let us now praise infamous men
    They built careers on
    stellar reputations and
    silent survivors.
76. hole foods
    I should eat more fresh
    vegetables, he thought as he
    munched on a doughnut.
77. t-shirt curls
    Sometimes, the workout
    is getting into the right
    outfit to sweat in.
78. vacancy
    The empty spaces
    in my heart used to hold some
    very dear partners.
79. the perfect thanksgiving meal
    Buttered toast, popcorn,
    pretzel sticks, jelly beans and
    an ice cream sundae.
80. agenda of entitlement
    Are we doing all
    we can to shame sexual
    assault survivors?
81. all you can gorge
    Have we eaten all
    we can? Eat more. Have we thanked
    everyone? Thank more.
82. black every day
    The middle class spent
    their last dollars on super
    bargains made abroad.
83. shun local
    The old shopkeeper
    braced for the impending wave
    of no customers.
84. garden raiders
    Vermin creep through the
    rows of tender seedlings in
    search of freebie food.
85. wisdom of the crowd
    Sometimes the angry
    mob with pitchforks and torches
    is exactly right.
86. sensible names for pets
    Constance, George, Wilma,
    Matthew, Irwin, Fran, Justine,
    Luther, Kate, Danny.
87. let’s get rid of
    Nazis, gaslighters,
    colluders, sex predators,
    tax dodgers, bullies.
88. an open secret
    Everyone in the
    office knew he was a cad
    but kept it private.
89. a big eastern syndicate
    Christmas isn’t a
    season or a warm feeling.
    It’s raw consumption.
90. trauma on the reg
    Every time she peeked
    online, she re-lived horrors
    from past and present.
91. thirdhand
    They say you never
    get a second chance to make
    a first impression.
92. demotivational speaker
    Inspirational
    quotes couldn’t match the murmur
    of cruel depression.
93. and on earth peace and goodwill towards some
    That uncle on the
    Facebook won’t stop jabbering
    about foreigners.
94. party before country
    We drank from the cup
    of wretched excess before
    dozing in the woods.
95. you can’t spell iambic pentameter without i am me
    Can we find ourselves
    in a poem? Can we learn
    from these brief verses?
96. shade to come
    The hot new color
    for next year is called Putrid
    Melancholy Brown.
97. work harder not smarter
    Employees will keep
    their efforts at a work-life
    balance to themselves.
98. never too early to campaign for votes
    In 3 days, this dumb
    election will be over
    and on to the next.
99. blizzard alley
    Our flaky climate:
    It snows more often in the
    South than days gone by.
100. never underestimate the power of
     Voters, but also
     money, corruption, lying
     and stupidity.
101. in a pear coulis
     On the first day of
     Hanukkah, my rabbi gave
     to me … a latke.

• • •

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Voters, but also
money, corruption, lying
and stupidity.

• • •

Read more haiku.

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Our flaky climate:
It snows more often in the
South than days gone by.

• • •

Read more haiku.

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In 3 days, this dumb
election will be over
and on to the next.

• • •

Read more haiku.

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Employees will keep
their efforts at a work-life
balance to themselves.

• • •

Read more haiku.

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The hot new color
for next year is called Putrid
Melancholy Brown.

• • •

Read more haiku.

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Can we find ourselves
in a poem? Can we learn
from these brief verses?

• • •

Read more haiku.

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We drank from the cup
of wretched excess before
dozing in the woods.

• • •

Read more haiku.

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That uncle on the
Facebook won’t stop jabbering
about foreigners.

• • •

Read more haiku.

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Inspirational
quotes couldn’t match the murmur
of cruel depression.

• • •

Read more haiku.

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They say you never
get a second chance to make
a first impression.

• • •

Read more haiku.

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