introvert’s paradise

Hipsters forced to sit in the back of the (solar-powered) (karaoke) bus.
Automated city council pay raises with compounded interest.
Newspaper printed three times a month on super-secret schedule.
CrossPlex holds IronTribe CrossFit Games; nerds hide in basements.
Drivers use bike lanes as intended … “emergency” parking.
Barbecue-flavored craft beer.
And deep-fried gourmet popsicles.
And throwed trolls.
Our inevitable annexation by Atlanta.
City lands not one but two NFL franchises fleeing gently used stadiums.
UAB football team disbanded for second time, during winning drive of national championship game.
Vulcan gets a tattoo!
No more toxic dumps — cancer injected directly into North Birmingham residents.
Farm-to-table movement grows crops directly in dirt pile on your dinner plate.
Newly rebuilt I-20/59 collapses after looters strip it for copper wiring.
Illegal immigrants escape impoverished Hoover to sneak into the land of promise, McCalla.
Nightly races between Taco, Hot Dog and recently out-of-work Finebaum. (Spoiler: Finebaum cheats.)
As Millennials turn 30, indicated by flashing crystals in their hands, they come to Boutwell for the renewal of Carousel.
The Combloggerator Matrix comes online, mercilessly assimilating all posts and bloggers.
The new Publix? All bread and milk.
The new Trader Joe’s? Speculoos Cookie Mayo.
Fusion-powered Bank for Savings rooftop sign visible from space.
MTV arrives to film an episode of “Pimp My Airport.”
New sport diathlon from combining firing ranges and trampoline parks.
Bessemer revolts, dumping sweet tea into Alabama Splash Adventure.
Airwaves ruled by wacky morning team of Barkley and Bubba.
The gUber app: Users get rides from ’82 Camaros with flame decals (seat belts and airbags optional).
Tiny trailers infest Homewood … with cuteness!
Schools sort children into bins: Soylent Green, Soylent Teriyaki, Soylent Gluten-Free.
St. Paul and the Nicely Mended Bones, thanks to rehab at UAB Hospital.
“Welcome to the Courteney Cox-Kwon Museum and Muffler Shop!”
Everyone lives in at least two condos and parks in their living rooms.
The zoo’s biggest attraction? Man!!!
Advanced parking meters simply explode at random.
A lone survivor crosses the food desert in search of rhubarb.
Self-driving city buses take payment in cash, tokens and stray animals.
Prize2theFuture … ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!
In Trussville, you’re either eastern Walmart or western Walmart.
Loudspeakers from every corner blare sports talk radio nonstop.
“The Walking Dead,” but with fatter, slower zombies.
Drone delivery of tacos is a thing. Like, straight to your greedy tacohole.
City flag? Magician’s hat with a dead rabbit.
City mascot? Diabetes.
Bus terminal smell upgraded to “uptown funk.”
Steel plants converted into discotheques.
Segregation limited to humans, cyborgs and robots.
We finally land a car factory. It’s for the Kia Mucus.
#HashtagCity
(No, seriously. That’s our new nickname.)
Water/sewer bills in convenient podcast form.
Kiddieland reopened to genetically engineered dinosaurs that can never ever go berserk and devour their human masters.
Meat and four, baby.
(The four are also meats.)
Montgomery takes Birmingham’s lunch money, holds the city upside-down over a toilet.
Mayoral debates via Dubsmash.
Quantum technology allows pork to be simultaneously chopped and sliced.
Some dissension over 50-foot Larry Langford bronze statue in Linn Park.
Cyber attack exposes everyone’s real names from al.com usernames.
The World Games never leaves. IT NEVER LEAVES.
Secret NASCAR races inside Century Plaza.
Pop-up eating contests.
Baptists now greet each other at the liquor store and the strip club.
Richard Scrushy holds city hostage with a mustache ray and taunts a helpless public.
Lacrosse, but with balled-up copperheads.
Prominent websites continue to include Birmingham in Top 10 lists, but only ironically.
The Barons move to Mt. Olive.
Giuseppe Moretti LXXXIII discovers the remains of the tiny Statue of Liberty and the horrifying origin of the City of the Apes.
Rectal vaping not only encouraged but mandatory.
Annual city budget is one part speed traps, one part business licenses, one part GoFundMe campaign.
Dome built in wrong shape.
The final phase of gentrification goes perfectly, as every house in Birmingham costs at least $500,000.
The Regions Park Supermax Correctional Facility.
Megachurches become sentient, overcharge for coffee.
Birmingham Bowl played to the death, as per ESPN rules.
Public spaces: dog park, cat park, skateboard park, hoverboard park, Confederate dog park, sacred Indian burial ground park.
Everyone finishes the new Metric Mercedes Marathon, a bracing 26.2 meters.
Clone of Lou Wooster saves city after Ebola epidemic.
Elevated 280 barely used by hover cars.
Paying sales tax requires installment plan.
One-way streets all head north-northeast.
Mountain Brook grows clones each fall for fresh harvest of domestic servants.
The last locally owned company does, in fact, turn off the lights.
GMOs hold Pepper Place hostage.
Thanks to stern billboards, human trafficking down 70 percent.
Everything is as Sun Ra predicted.
By the light of the full moon, Condoleezza stalks the city streets, a grim avenger of the night.
The Second Life version of Birmingham suffers from clone flight.
Graffiti king Moist becomes artist laureate.
We feed the poor feral cats.
Correction: We feed the poor to feral cats.
A revitalized Ensley still only one-third full.
Trains merely slow down at station, as passengers expected to hop off and on quickly.
Bonnaroo juggernaut leaves our festivals with drummer from Blink-182 plus Kenny Chesney.
County bankruptcy paid off, but debt collectors keep calling at all hours.
School days and sporting events begin with civic anthem, “Do I Make You Proud?”
Civil Rights Heritage Trail selfie stations.
Police body cam footage powers entire season of “Cops” and “The First 48.”
Plasma force fields shield buildings from tornadoes, debris and other outside agitators.
Home schooling expanded to home churching, home sporting.
Upon sudden impact, cars equipped to deploy business cards for Alexander Shunnarah.
Red Mountain renamed Peak Birmingham.

• • •

Essays from other contributors are available in the free ebook, “The Future of Birmingham.”

All you need to do is fill out this simple form. We’ll email you a link to download the book. (And, at no extra charge, we’ll add you to the mailing list for the free Y’all Connect newsletter.)

• • •

the real bogeymen

Friday, September 18th, 2015

We act out of fear
to protect ourselves and our
kin, which breeds more fear.

• • •

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golden ghouls

Thursday, September 17th, 2015

The grandmas on the
block like to dress scarily
for shakes and giggles.

• • •

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digital scrapbooking

Wednesday, September 16th, 2015

My jukebox: YouTube.
My photo album: Facebook.
My memory: Shot.

• • •

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the sweetest orchard

Tuesday, September 15th, 2015

Harvesting from the
candied apple tree, wearing
gloves and sneaking bites.

• • •

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The Birmingham channel: Their causes and ours

Monday, September 14th, 2015

A look at Birmingham in videos …

A look at Wine-o-logy during Birmingham Restaurant Week at the Wine Loft downtown. From P Marashi.

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The 500th episode of the weekly webcast, “WeatherBrains”! From James Spann.

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Randy and Anna Anderson visit Artwalk this past weekend. From Randy and Anna.

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No Birmingham vlog, thanks to … Windows Vista. From HanBan Randoms.

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Drone video captures lightning over Birmingham. From al.com.

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Adopt-A-Golden Birmingham teamed up with its Atlanta sister organization fly in 24 golden retrievers from Istanbul. From WVUA-23.

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Andrea Taylor introduced as president and chief executive officer of the Birmingham Civil Rights Institute. From Alabama NewsCenter.

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Samford student Ashley Lyon (along with suitemate Maggie Terp) created an inspirational video for her younger brother Jason, who was diagnosed in June with an inoperable brain mass and is undergoing cancer treatments. From Margie Terp.

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Promo for Birmingham Blaze tryouts on Sept. 26 at Carver High School. From T4Films.

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Modesty XO on the Birmingham city council raises. From Modesty XO.

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Save Our South sues the Birmingham Parks and Recreation Board and city council to stop the removal of the Confederate Soldiers and Sailors monument in Linn Park. From Save Our South.

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Ashley Roberts performs at Unity of Birmingham on Southside. From Unity of Birmingham.

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Interview with the Kellys, clients of Children’s Harbor Family Center. From United for Life Foundation.

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Wall cloud passes north of downtown Birmingham. “Rotation was weak to none, but sure looked impressive on radar.” From Jill Gilardi.

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Danny Hayes hits a solo homer for the Birmingham Barons. From Minor League Baseball.

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AJR, American Authors and Andy Grammer perform in August at Iron City on Southside. From Jojuan.

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Homewood’s ReVamp Health holds its first neon twerk fitness class. From Erin Doe.

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Avery Jones takes a day trip to McWane Science Center and the Birmingham Zoo. From insidemybrain.

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Promo for Bards of Birmingham nonprofit theater company. From Bards of Birmingham.

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Promo for “Great High Priest” EP from Grace and Peace Music at Covenant Presbyterian Church in Homewood. From Grace and Peace Music.

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Greater Birmingham Ministries staff members speak out to reporters on how increasing the minimum wage would improve the quality of life for citizens. From Greater Birmingham Ministries.

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Top White Sox prospect shortstop Tim Anderson in two Barons games versus the Montgomery Biscuits in August. From FutureSox.

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Granny Hubcaps at RimTyme Birmingham in Roebuck. From RimTyme Birmingham.

• • •

Send us links to your videos. | More videos on the Birmingham channel.

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The Future of Birmingham: XX

Monday, September 14th, 2015

Photo courtesy Carole Smitherman

Carole Smitherman served as Birmingham’s first and only
female mayor for 28 days. The city hasn’t seen many women
as CEOs and public officials in its history.

•

Get the full version of this essay in our free ebook.
Details at the end.

•

Women wield power, but in Birmingham, that power has almost always been by their deliberate seizure of it, rather than waiting for its bestowal.

We’ve never had an elected female mayor of Birmingham, and only one in Hoover. Only two of the 25 largest private companies in Birmingham have women in charge. Occasionally, a woman has led the Jefferson County Commission or the University of Alabama at Birmingham, otherwise known as the city’s (and the state’s) largest employer.

Birmingham could do worse than female rule. That’s not a ringing endorsement, but I’m willing to let them have a turn for the next 150 years to be fair. If it goes badly, it’s all on me.

We’d need to find a way to transition out all the men as civic leaders and CEOs, whether by board votes or armed coup. Ballots or bullets, I’m willing to spring for either or both.

Sure, it’s not a meritocracy. But if we’re seriously living in a meritocratic city, we have utterly and totally failed. Birmingham high schools have among the worst graduation rates in the state. The city’s unemployment rate is substantially higher than the state and national averages, as is the homicide rate. Transportation, economic development, infrastructure, stopping brain drain, urban planning — none of these are new issues, and yet we’ve seen very little progress in any of these areas.

Women may not have all the answers, but let’s give them a shot.

Assuming we don’t ship off all the male leaders tomorrow, an alternate plan may be in order. Several professional organizations in Birmingham cater to women, but education should be the starting point.

Birmingham schools started six career academies in 2011: architecture and construction, business and finance, engineering, hospitality and tourism, health sciences and urban educators. (I haven’t seen any numbers to indicate results to date.) I propose a seventh, the Women in Leadership academy.

This is an opportunity for female high school students to learn and grow in an environment designed to push them for maximum achievement. Students can partner with mentors, learn about paths to the top and practice the skills of effective leadership and management.

They might run for office someday. They might start their own companies. They might take over Google and Boeing and Starbucks and JPMorgan Chase. They might win James Beard Awards and Oscars and Nobel Prizes and MacArthur Genius Grants.

I’ll leave it up to the new superintendent of Birmingham schools, Kelley Castlin-Gacutan. Coincidentally, the first appointed female leader for the system.

Let’s make the future brighter for half of our population today, so it will shine even more so for all of us down the road.

• • •

The full version of this essay and many more are available in the free ebook, “The Future of Birmingham.”

All you need to do is fill out this simple form. We’ll email you a link to download the book. (And, at no extra charge, we’ll add you to the mailing list for the free Y’all Connect newsletter.)