1. diner’s choice
   Tell me all about
   
the specials, and bring me an
   
appetizing dish.
    
2. snakes off a plane
   World holds its breath as
   
terror almost strikes again.

   Calamity? Tamed.
    
3. noon shall pass
   Choice at lunchtime is
   
extracubicular jaunt
   
or eating at desk.
    

(more…)

Then
1. Fear of turbans.
2. Fear of white powder.
3. Fear of Osama.
4. Fear of speaking out.
5. Fear of uber-jingoistic country anthems.
6. Fear of yellow cake and aluminum tubes.
7. Fear of knowing too little.
8. Fear of sharing too much.
9. When is it OK to laugh?
10. When is it OK to stop crying?
(more…)

1. drops on in
   Flowers are coming
   thanks to these passing showers
   that soak up the sun.
    
2. uno de mayo
   Workers’ holiday
   marks birth of eight-hour day.
   Almost quittin’ time?
    
3. señor suave visits the patio
   Older gent puffs on
   cigarette and borrowed time,
   with stylish mustasche.
    

(more…)

1. Baptists battle for who will lead them back into wilderness
2. Cops to promote “Puppies for Guns” trade
3. Bus survey arrives late, refuses answers not written on exact change
4. Bureaucrats take extra-long smoke break to make up for late arrival
5. Out-of-work teachers, bankers form long bread line
6. Remodeled restaurant still smells like fried ham
7. Over-the-mountain mayors vow to form ‘kick-ass’ garage band
8. Minor leaguers need seasoning in steroid abuse
9. Brighton mom still ‘phoning it in’ on dinner prep
10. Trussville embraces cultural diversity of Purple Onion

(more…)

1. Still has to hold down a day job.
2. Able to leap tall blondes in a single bound.
3. You try getting hazard insurance for Fortress of Solitude.
4. Easier to clean own suits thanks to Dry-El.
5. Spent last five years hunting predators on MySpace.
6. Batman: cool car, gadgets galore.

   Superman: tiny apartment at $2,000/month and a hot plate.

7. Now fights for truth, justice and red states.
8. Still refuses to answer questions about alleged steroid abuse.
9. What’s on his iPod? Gnarls Barkley, Nelly Furtado, Kryptonian chants and dance remixes at supersonic levels.
10. Is two subs away from a free sandwich.

(more…)

1. Debating “X-Men 3” vs. “Da Vinci”: Who would win, Wolverine or Jesus?
2. Last year: sucking ozone. This year: ozone enemas.
3. Fainting, for dramatic purposes only.
4. Scouring Facebook.com for psycho rants.
5. Missing a kidney.
6. Undermining the new committee chairman.
7. Sending the kids to Border Patrol Camp.
8. Swimming secretly in neighbor’s pool.
9. Peeing secretly in neighbor’s pool.
10. “Tiara Girls” marathon!!

(more…)

1. age of reason
   Passage of time brings
   us one step closer to death.
   At least we have cake.

2. when needles attack
   Nurse hunts for shy vein.
   Don’t make me watch don’t make me–
   I’m … going … to … faint.

3. on the menu
   Sparkling wine, chatter,
   various dead plants, creatures.
   It’s what’s for dinner.

(more…)

1040 follies
1. File on time or pay a penalty.
2. File on time and pay a penalty.
3. Check here to donate $1 to starving presidential candidates.
4. Occupation: wage slave.
5. Filing status: bitchy, broke.
6. Dependents: cat, cat, plant, cat.
7. Where it asks if you want to be audited, circle “No.”
8. Meth lab income: Attach Form 23646.
9. Make sure your W-2 has enough zeros.
10. If you’d like to receive special offers and promotions, check here.
(more…)

1. City council puts meeting videos, bickering sound clips for sale on iTunes
2. Missing cats return with no explanation of disappearance
3. Fan discovers either ‘Alabama’ or ‘Auburn’ could work in football-themed punchline
4. Dance recital fails to spark love of arts in parents
5. Engineering firm debates best crack pipe material
6. Chimp remains mum on gubernatorial candidacy
7. English Village candle store burns down over four days; smells like pumpkin, lemongrass
8. Forest Park crone asks neighbors to turn down ‘wi-fi racket’
9. Leave a penny, take a penny program nets three cents, plastic button
10. Jocks, nerds reach tentative peace accord

(more…)

Find that special someone
1. Direct marketing: “Have you seen me?”
2. Billboards look cheap; electronic billboards are classy.
3. Rent puppy. Meet singles in park. Let dog go free.
4. Bribe bartender to create new highly addictive drink named after you.
5. Craigslist, but only if you’re looking for serial killers with e-mail access.
6. Hire street team to build buzz on your smile, grooming.
7. Hack into freeway signs: “Warning: Hottie ahead.”
8. Invest in trendy Iraqi mail-order bride.
9. Stalk, but don’t look desperate.
10. Bankruptcy hearing crashers.

(more…)

1. blur of days
   I did this Sunday.
   (Or was that last Saturday?)
   Is today Tuesday?!

2. what to wear
   Fall fashion forecast,
   Everything goes in cycles.
   Black is the new black.

3. cubicle blues
   Office pal takes off
      for better job — so happy!
   (Can I have his desk?)

(more…)

1. “My Super Sweet 49”
2. Concept: A celebration of our groovy state’s ranking in education, health, jobs, etc.
3. “Everybody Hates Christmas”
4. Concept: In a world of grinches, one little boy lives by his wit and wits. Then grows up to be the messiah.
5. “Southern Exposure”
6. Concept: Yankee doctor moves to quirky rural Alabama town, is lynched.
7. “My Name Is Phil”
8. Concept: Oprah’s shrink discovers karma, makes a list of patients to heal/medicate.
9. “Survivor: Gardendale”
10. Concept: 16 nonbelievers compete to find liquor, whores in saintly suburb.

(more…)

Originally published July 1995.

The World of Bill Gates
1. Technoweenies, unite!
2. A computer in every pot.
3. Instead of cursive, learn to draw barcodes.
4. In a valley of silicon, he’s the king.
5. You’ll need a PIN just to take a leak.
6. If it doesn’t say Microsoft on the label, it will.
7. Become ergonomically correct or else.
8. At least 10 governors and three cabinet members to be replaced by laptops.
9. His hamster’s name? Windows 95.
10. Seattle is his lady …
(more…)

Bob Riley for governor
1. Not crazy, for a change.
2. When the revolution comes, the revolutionaries will be shot.
3. It’s morning in Alabama.
4. Bow before your new Korean masters.
5. The second term’s the charm.
6. Shriner, I hardly even know her.
7. Robert Renfroe Riley. Renfroe? really??
8. Made Katrina his bitch.
9. Amendment One, Riley 0.
10. Will send O.J. to Aruba to find the real killers.
(more…)

Originally published January 1996.

1. Decorating guru by day, stripper by night (paint stripper, natch).
2. Motto: “If you don’t look good, you don’t look good.”
3. Can pit olives using only her telekinetic powers.
4. What instrument does she play? All of them!
5. Middle name? Fussbudget.
6. She renovates more before 9 a.m. than most people do in a lifetime.
7. If life were a hockey game, she’d be the zamboni guy and wouldn’t need the zamboni.
8. The ugly truth: She’s a housewarmin’ junkie.
9. The weather bureau would name hurricanes after her if they only went a little faster.
10. Likes spackling, hates grouting.

(more…)